Hate It Or Love It ATL: 1/1/12

ASK THE SAVIOR FOR HELP....

With all that is going on in the world today, it is so easy to get discouraged. Throwing in the towel and giving up seems the easiest thing to do. I encourage (as I encourage myself), don’t give up. Ask the Savior to help you.

When it seems like the storm you’re going through is a category 5 hurricane, ask the Savior to help you.

When traveling through the valley and you just can’t take another step, ask the Savior to help you.

When your bills outweigh your money, ask the Savior to help you.

When sickness racks your body and relief seems nowhere to be found, ask the Savior to help you.

When people disappoint you, hurt you and use you, ask the Savior to help you.

When life just seems too much to bear, ask the Savior to help you.

No matter what you are going through, there is no sickness God can’t heal, no pain He can’t soothe, and no problem He can’t solve. We just need to call upon Him.

I think these words from Yield Not to Temptation sum it all up nicely:

Ask the Savior to help you,

Comfort, strengthen and keep you;

He is willing to aid you,

He will carry you through.

To Him that o’ercometh, God giveth a crown,

Through faith we will conquer, though often cast down;

He who is our Savior, our strength will renew;

Look ever to Jesus, He’ll carry you through.

January 30, 2012

THE FIRST....ONE OF THE PROUDEST MOMENTS IN BLACK HISTORY

SHIT PEOPLE FROM ATL SAY....REAL TALK...

PERCEPTION OF BLACK MEN IN AMERIA....

President Obama (almost) single handedly has changed the perception of what it means to be a BLACK MAN in America....on all levels from education, to family man, to being well spoken and articulate...

January 25, 2012

SO SO HOT....WEDNESDAY MOTIVATION....

RESPECT OVER LOVE...

If you have to choose between love and respect, always choose respect. You can have respect without love but will loose love with no respect.

WHO RAN IT....NEW SCHOOL VS. OLD SCHOOL....

WELL SAID....

When you stop chasing the wrong things you give
the right things a chance to catch you.

30 THINGS TO STOP DOING TO YOURSELF....

As Maria Robinson once said, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. But before you can begin this process of transformation you have to stop doing the things that have been holding you back.

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1.Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

2.Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

3.Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Read The Road Less Traveled.

4.Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

5.Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

6.Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

7.Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

8.Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

9.Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
10.Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

11.Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

12.Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

13.Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

14.Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

15.Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

16.Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

17.Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

18.Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

19.Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
20.Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

21.Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

22.Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

23.Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done. Read Getting Things Done.

24.Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

25.Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

26.Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

27.Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

28.Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

29.Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

30.Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

January 24, 2012

SELF HATRED OVER SKIN COLOR....STILL DEALING WITH THIS IN 2012??

Skin colour is typical social hang-up in black communities. But just when think time heals all wounds, things get worse. In the slums of Jamaica skin bleaching is a growing crisis, reported Repeating Islands

"Mikeisha Simpson covers her body in greasy white cream and bundles up in a track suit to avoid the fierce sun of her native Jamaica, but she’s not worried about skin cancer.

The 23-year-old resident of a Kingston ghetto hopes to transform her dark complexion to a cafe-au-lait-color common among Jamaica’s elite and favored by many men in her neighborhood. She believes a fairer skin could be her ticket to a better life. So she spends her meager savings on cheap black-market concoctions that promise to lighten her pigment."

WORDS OF WISDOM...

THE WAY YOU TREAT YOURSELF SETS THE STANDARD FOR OTHERS ON HOW YOU DEMANRD TO BE TREATED. DON'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN RESPECT.

January 23, 2012

STRESS BUSTING SECRETS FOR BUSY PROFESSIONALS....GREAT IDEAS

Everybody’s job is stressful, but not everyone suffers equally. Unfortunately, all that mental anguish has serious consequences: A new study from Yale University reports that prolonged stress actually shrinks the size of your brain, raising the risk of cognitive disorders and reducing your brain’s ability to deal with that stress.

Here are some tips that may help you manage your own stress and deal with the many daily challenges you may face.

Strategize. Take the time to thoroughly study the issues you face, including potential unintended consequences and plan Bs and Cs—like a chess player, or, well, a general. Think it through until you’re at least 80 percent sure, then go for it, and don’t be afraid to course-correct over time. Being ready to adjust makes the surprises in your job less stressful.

Laugh it off. After a bad day, laugher can help to assuage stress. Share a joke with friends or play a practical joke on a co-worker, but make sure you know the person well, and be ready to have your target prank you back.

Take a 5-minute vacation. Shut the door to your office, turns off the lights, pop on the headphones, and blasts some tunes. It’s not a thinking time, it’s an only-in-the-music time. Once your head is clear, your ready to face the next challenge.

Confide in your coworkers. Nobody else understands the stresses of your job better than a coworker. Venting to a buddy midday can help you remember you’re not alone in dealing with stress, and a good friend can even ease some burdens if you’re feeling pinched.

THE LOST ART OF FACE TO FACE NETWORKING....

It's 2012, so we've all mastered the finer points of social networking, right? But in an age of personal-brand-building, it's easy to forget that networking in person is one of the most beneficial ways to market yourself. After all, it's the genuine, personal connections that make an impact--not the random Linkedin requests.

How To Do It:

Confidence is key.

A proper introduction calls for a firm handshake, eye contact and a smile. A good attitude is contagious. It makes it easier to bring up what you're passionate about, and it makes them actually want to listen to what you have to say. And remember to dress the part. What you're wearing is essentially the first impression you give someone, even before you open your mouth.

Practice makes perfect.
Of course, it helps to be an outgoing person, but networking is a skill that can be perfected. Ask a buddy to help you out—have him or her turn to you at unexpected times and play the part of the person you're hoping to speak with. If you can tune out distractions and get your point across succinctly, you're good to go.

Ditch the sales pitch.
Just go for a natural conversation. Show interest in the other person by asking questions about them. This will create authentic opportunities for you to bring up what you do (and what you're looking to do).

Keep it short and sweet.
Nobody wants to be cornered and you don't want to be remembered for commandeering someone's time. This is mingling, so keep the conversation light but relevant. After 15 minutes you should know whether or not this is someone you'll want to follow up with.

And then follow up.
If things went well, you likely exchanged contact info or swapped business cards. Make sure to follow-up the day or two after, with a quick email or note reminding them of your conversation and what you can do for them. This is your opportunity to briefly outline your potential in whatever goal you're looking to accomplish, be it a job opening or collaboration.

GREAT ACTORS, GREAT STORYLINE....NOT SO GREAT DIALOGUE BUT DEFINITELY WORTH SUPPORTING

January 20, 2012

I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME.....GET INTO THE LYRICS....

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close,
don't patronize

Don't patronize me

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

I'll close my eyes
then I won't see
the love you don't feel
when you're holding me

Morning will come
and I'll do what's right
just give me till then
to give up this fight
and I will give up this fight

Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't
You can't make your heart feel
something it won't
Here in the dark
in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I'll feel the power
but you won't
No, you won't
Cause I can't make you love me
if you don't

FAMOUS AFRO-LATINOS SPEAK.....

YOU GOTTA LOVE A PRESIDENT THAT CAN SING.....WE DOING IT AGAIN IN 2012....

January 19, 2012

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY THANK YOU.....

January 18, 2012

HERE'S TO YOU....SHIRLEY HORN..

No complaints and no regrets.
I still believe in chasing dreams and placing bets.
But i have learned that all you give is all you get, so give it all you got.
I had my share, i drank my fill, and even though i’m satisfied i’m hungry still
To see what’s down another road, beyond a hill and do it all again.
So here’s to life and all the joy it brings.
Here’s to life the dreamers and their dreams.
Funny how the time just flies.
How love can turn from warm hellos to sad goodbyes
And leave you with the memories you’ve memorized
To keep your winters warm.
There’s no yes in yesterday.
And who knows what tomorrow brings or takes away.
As long as i’m still in the game i want to play
For laughs, for life, for love.
So here’s to life and all the joy it brings.
Here’s to life, the dreamers and their dreams.
May all your storms be weathered,
And all that’s good get better.
Here’s to life, here’s to love, here’s to you.
May all your storms be weathered,
And all that's good get better.
Here's to life, here's to love, here's to you.

REAL THOUGHTS ON 3 SOMES.....INTERESTING

SERENITY PRAYER BREAKDOWN....

When I first started being a source of advice for friends and family, I would sit and think about things for a few days and then come up with some strategy that we could possibly take over the world. It took me a long time to realize that the core of most of the advice that I always gave came from the Serenity Prayer. Now, many times when people come to me for advice, I spend most of the time listening to what they have to say and trying to tap into their understanding of each part of what they have to say. I ask questions like, “Well, what do you think that means?” or “What do you think you’re going to do, if I don’t tell you anything right now?” It lets me know everything from every angle of the situation before I offer advice. But most times when I speak, it starts with these three lines and it is organized in that way.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,”

This is a carefully phrased statement, because it does not say, “Don’t worry about the things I cannot change,” it’s asking you accept it, and reach an inner peace about it. The first step of reaching any goal or finding any understanding is to know that there will be things in your life that you can’t change. You can’t worry about what’s preventing you from changing it, it’s more important to understand that you simply cannot change it. Once you take a situation and identify all the pieces that no matter how much you try, you will not be able to change, you’re ready to attack the real meat of the matter.

“Courage to change the things I can,”

There are two types of people in this world. There are those who spend most of their time diagnosing the problem — also known as, complaining. And there are those who spend most of their time resolving the problem. My best professional and personal advice I can give anyone is, “don’t come to me with a problem, if you haven’t thought of a solution.” There’s no country for people who can identify what the problem is, if they won’t do anything about it. Many times once people identify a problem they sit back and say, “I can’t do anything about that.” It’s a cowardly response some times. There will be times when you have situations that you can change, such as: finding a new job, making a move to a new city, ending an unhealthy relationship, or changing a mind.

You can change your job situation, but it doesn’t start with, “I need a new job” it starts with “I’m going to start looking for a new job.” You can make a move to a new city, but it doesn’t start with, “I don’t know anybody there” it starts with “I’ll have to work hard to make new friends and contacts.” And trust me, there’s always someone anywhere you go who you or someone you know knows. Ending unhealthy relationships can be difficult, but sometimes we feel we’re tied to people because we’ve been friends for so long, or we’ve been together for so long, but trust me you can do it. You can change minds too. Inception seems like a difficult thing to do, but it’s not. You can’t go into a person’s mind and make them do anything, but you can inspire and motivate others to do great things. The point here is, when you identify a problem that is changeable, change it.

“And the wisdom to know the difference.”

This is the most difficult part of the prayer because it’s the part that we can get hung up on the most. At times, we think that we are powerful beyond measure and other times we find safety in, “well there isn’t anything I can do about that.” As we grow in life we’ve got to work towards the wisdom needed to understand the difference between the things we can’t change and the things we can. I always like to think about it this way: you can’t change the past, you can only change the present, and you never know what’s going to happen in the future, but you can affect it. As people go through life’s daily bumps and bruises, give them time to hurt, no one is allowed to tell someone that they cannot hurt. But encourage them to heal, because you can’t hurt forever. Sooner or later you have to stop thinking about the past, because there’s nothing you can change about it. Then you have to start doing something about what’s going on right now, because you are missing out on countless opportunities to change the present.

This prayer has gotten me by at times when I didn’t know what to do. You know your life has reached a rough patch when you are pushed up against a wall with, ‘I just don’t know what I’m going to do.” It’s times like those when we need this prayer. When we have to make changes, or do things that we never thought we could do, it’s the best way to approach life.

http://www.singleblackmale.org/2012/01/17/learning-the-true-meaning-of-the-serenity-prayer/

THE SERENITY PRAYER...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

January 17, 2012

GET INTO THE LYRICS....

Don't put your head on my shoulder
Sink me in a river of tears
This could be the best place yet
But you must overcome your fears

Ooh, in time
It could have been so much more
The time is precious I know
In time
It could have been so much more
The time has nothing to show

Because
Time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel
Like they've got something real
But you and me
We know we've got
Nothin' but time
And time won't give me time
Won't give me time
(Time, time, time)

Don't make me feel any colder
Time is like a clock in my heart
Touch we, touch was the
heart too much
I felt I
Lost you from the start

DEFINITION OF A FAG HAG.....

Carrie was Standford’s fag hag on Sex And The City, Charlotte was Anthony’s on Sex And The City, Tracy is Shawn’s fag hag on Christopher Street, Grace was Will’s fag hag, Karen was Jack’s fag hag, and the list continues. Every gay man has their fag hag. And every girl who has a gay best friend is proud of being a fag hag. What is a fag hag? It’s simple: a straight woman who has a gay best friend. I have a fag hag. Sorry for putting you on blast Val. Either which way fag hags are the straight women who accompany us and gives us that minimal 1 percent of hetero-curiosity. Without a fag hag a gay man’s world can only be but so much. Thus, fag hags are the women who keep us on check, give us our flamin’ spice [even if we aren’t flamers at all], and on our sick days take us out to the clubs [um, Val hurry up and take me!]. Fag hags: the women we can’t live without.

THROWBACK.....GET INTO THE MUSIC....

January 16, 2012

SING SING CELEBRATE...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

SOMETHING STRANGE ABOUT THE JOHNSONS....FULL MOVIE...MUST WATCH

January 13, 2012

THE BENEFITS OF BLACK WOMEN.....

January 12, 2012

DEFINITELY WORTH CHECKING OUT...A HISTORY OF GAY BLACK LOVE VIA PHOTOS

Historian Trent Kelly has collected 146 rare vintage photographs of black male couples from the past 150 years.

Although the large majority of the pictures depict gay couples, the collection also includes images of families and friends but they all have one thing in common: they capture images of love.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/hidden-in-the-open/6131322448/in/set-72157624480472079/

REALLY....IN 2012....THIS IS HAPPENING IN GEORGIA SCHOOLS...

The unorthodox teaching methods of teachers at a Norcross elementary school have caused a national uproar. The teachers gave 3rd grade students at Beaver Ridge Elementary a math lesson featuring slavery questions such as figuring out how many beatings a slave would get if he was whipped twice a day for 2 weeks.

Over 100 students were sent home with the math lesson, which featured about 20 questions on slavery. Some parents reacted with fury, accusing the teachers of blatant racism. But education leaders dismiss the allegations of racism.

According to the AJC, Calvine Rollins, president of the Georgia Association of Educators said “the slave math lesson created by a teacher to reinforce a lesson on Frederick Douglass may have used poor judgment, but it shouldn’t lead to the termination of those who wrote or handed it out without reviewing it.”

“This is an unfortunate incident,” Rollins said. “I don’t believe the teacher wanted to expose those kids to anything offensive. Gwinnett County teachers are dedicated. They work hard and try on a daily basis to do the right thing.”

The NAACP has stepped up its call for the teacher’s dismissal. “The superintendent said it was an honest mistake,” said Ed DuBose, state NAACP president. “But there is no scenario in which I think that a teacher should have developed questions that inflammatory. That teacher should have no future in the teaching profession. Our position is that teacher and the teachers who distributed the questions should be fired. Five teachers made the right decision not to distribute them.”

The slavery math lesson was a topic of discussion on ‘The View’ yesterday, where co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd condemned the teachers for being racists.

But co-host Joy Behar disagreed. “Well, they’re saying that slavery exists, I guess,” said Behar.

Beaver Ridge principal Jose DeJesus sent a letter home to parents echoing Behar’s opinion that the uproar over the math lesson is much ado about nothing:

“Our third graders have been studying famous Americans and had been reading about Frederick Douglass, a former slave,” DeJesus wrote. “These particular questions were an attempt at incorporating some of what students had been discussing in social studies with their math activity.”

January 11, 2012

SHIT BLACK GAYS SAY....SHIT IS FUNNY

January 10, 2012

SAMPLING AT IT'S BEST....

10 WAY TO AVOID MARRYING THE WRONG PERSON...

1) Do Not Marry Potential:

Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.

2) Choose Character over Chemistry:

While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:

1. Humility:
The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.

2. Kindness:
The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?

3. Responsibility:
A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.

4. Happiness:
A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.

3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner:

Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated.

To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.

4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans:

In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.

You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.

5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:

Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why Allah has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.

Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
I[COLOR="blue"]ntellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
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6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection:

There are a number of questions that you must answer YES to:

1, Do I respect and admire this person?
2. What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
3. Do I trust this person?
4. Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
5. Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
6. Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?

If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!

7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety:

Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:

1. Controlling behavior:
This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.

2. Anger issues:
This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.

8) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner:

Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them.

This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!

9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility:

It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married.

If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.

10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:

Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:

1. Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside.
These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.

2. Addictions
can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!

Additional Points to Consider:

The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.

Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”

Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.

Be flexible. Be open-minded!

Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.

Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you?

The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage