Hamilton County - A teenager who took his own life may have been the target of bullying.
Jamarcus Bell, 14, was a freshman at Hamilton Southeastern High School. He committed suicide Wednesday after his family says he was bullied at school.
While there are many questions surrounding his death, the ceremony is all about celebrating his life. He was the boy who always smiled.
"He had a very effervescent smile. He could be a million miles away you could pick his smile out of anybody's," said Sam Coffee, a dance coach at the school who was also Bell's mentor.
At 14, Jamarcus Bell had already made an impression on friends, family, even people he didn't know.
"He was always happy," said Coffee.
So it is impossible for the community at Hamilton Southeastern High school to understand why the boy who seemed so happy could end his life so tragically.
Sam Coffee coaches the schools "step" squad, a dance troupe that he says Jamarcus was intent on joining. He believes that bullying "had a pretty big impact."
"He would say you guys seem like a family. That's something I want to be part of," Coffee added.
Coffee, a 2008 graduate of Hamilton Southeastern High School, says he was a target of bullying and believed Bell was one too. But any problems he may have had, Bell kept to himself.
"He would never talk about anything anybody did. He would always talk about step team," said Coffee.
Last Monday, Bell indicated to his mentor he did want to talk. Coffee admits he was too busy at the time, but encouraged his friend to call. Two days later, Bell was gone.
"It's kind of hard to make peace with it. But you know he's in a better place; won't have to deal with it wherever he's going," said Coffee.
Bell's parents also say he was a victim of bullying. They reportedly asked the district for a meeting last week before their son's death, but that meeting did not happen.
It's difficult for many to comprehend how the boy with the big smile who made everyone laugh and friends wherever he went could have felt so alone. If bullying did play a part, many are now looking to the school for answers.
Remembering Jamarcus
Visitation for Bell was held Monday evening at Eastern Star Church in Fishers, followed by funeral services. Some who filed through the visitation line knew Bell. Others, like Norma Johnson, did not.
"And I just wanted the family to know that they were not alone in their pain. My heart is broke for this family, they shouldn't have to bury their child," said Johnson.
Johnson lost her teenage grandson, who had heart problems. She said he had been bullied because of his heart condition.
"My heart is broke. I feel like we let that child down," she said.
Friends say they were blindsided by the news of Bell's death.
"He was actually a great friend of mine and just to see him die like that, it was tragic," said friend Alex Akers.
Like others, Akers only heard about bullying, but never saw it or its effects.
"He's one of those who you didn't really expect that he would do that," said another friend, Austin Akers.
"Marcus was a very active kid. He loved everyone he always wanted to be friends with everyone and that's what made everyone happy and it made me happy, too," said Sydney Taylor, who never noticed signs of distress from Bell. "None of that at all."
Other friends continued to remember Bell as a good friend.
"We had fun in class and stuff. He was always the life of the party," said one friend.
"I'd hang out with him a lot. He seemed like he was always happy, never in a bad mood," said another.
"I never seen him sad," said third friend.
Superintendent comments
The superintendent of Hamilton Southeastern Schools held a press conference Monday afternoon regarding the bullying allegations.
"We're deeply saddened," said Dr. Brian Smith, Hamilton Southeastern superintendent.
"I don't know that we'll ever know all the issues that led to this tragic event. But I do want to assure our parents we take bullying very seriously," said Smith.
Although unable to specifically talk about Jamarcus Bell's case, Smith stressed the importance of communication when it comes to bullying.
"We can't react and deal with something we don't know about," said Smith.
As for enforcement of the school's code, Smith says punishment is subjective and handled on a case by case basis.
The parents of Jamarcus Bell are asking the school to take a more active stand to prevent bullying in the system.
"It depends on the degree and extent. How serious is it, is it ongoing, is it repetitive?" Smiths said.
The tragic loss of such a well-loved student has everyone here asking what they could have done differently. While the circumstances leading up to his death remain very much a mystery, the lesson may be to keep the line of communication open.
The district issued this statement:
"This is a tragic loss touching many in our district and community. We have plans in place for these situations and will implement them Monday as we return from fall break to support our students and staff touched by this."
Anti-bullying has been in the news lately, after the suicide of several teens across the country, including 15-year-old Billy Lucas of Greensburg. President Obama posted a video and statement on the White House website encouraging young people to seek support and guidance if they are being bullied.
The school urges any student who is having thoughts of suicide or who is just having trouble dealing with problems to call this hotline.
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November 30, 2011
DEFINIED....GHETTO FABULOUS....
Ghetto fabulous is an expression believed to have originated among African-Americans living in poor urban areas.
It specifically refers to the mentality and lifestyle of some American ghetto inhabitants and vaguely to the mentality and lifestyle of poor African- American urbanites.
Ghetto fabulous is a stereotype in lower income urban America. In this sense, it means individuals who have mentally created an affluent lifestyle while not always having any luxurious possessions or wealth. As a comedic device it often dramatizes and draws attention to life in the ghetto.
For example, in the motion picture B*A*P*S (or Black American Princesses), the protagonists pretend to belong to an upper-economic class, but in reality they live a lifestyle that is full of superficial glamour also known as ghetto fabulous.
It specifically refers to the mentality and lifestyle of some American ghetto inhabitants and vaguely to the mentality and lifestyle of poor African- American urbanites.
Ghetto fabulous is a stereotype in lower income urban America. In this sense, it means individuals who have mentally created an affluent lifestyle while not always having any luxurious possessions or wealth. As a comedic device it often dramatizes and draws attention to life in the ghetto.
For example, in the motion picture B*A*P*S (or Black American Princesses), the protagonists pretend to belong to an upper-economic class, but in reality they live a lifestyle that is full of superficial glamour also known as ghetto fabulous.
TRUTH IN LIFE...
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you've got them...
November 29, 2011
TRUTH IN LIFE....
Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.
November 28, 2011
November 23, 2011
AFFIRMATION OF MANHOOD....
One of the biggest issues in the African American community to date is the absensce of male figures in younger males lives. Boys act out, are disrespectful, and not responsible when they are lacking affirmation from their fathers, uncles, grandfathers or male mentors that they are a young man. I
was blessed to have a beautillion that marked my passage from young boy to young adulthood but that is something COMMON in our communites.
Especially to the fellaz-If you know any young boys/men who are doing what they are supposed to be doing and are responsible, respectful and accountable, let them know you appreciate them and that they are on the right path.
was blessed to have a beautillion that marked my passage from young boy to young adulthood but that is something COMMON in our communites.
Especially to the fellaz-If you know any young boys/men who are doing what they are supposed to be doing and are responsible, respectful and accountable, let them know you appreciate them and that they are on the right path.
November 22, 2011
WHY WE SHOULD NOT SLEEP IN THE SAME BED AT OUR PARENTS HOUSE.....
People in new relationships and some in old relationships are gearing up to visit at least one set of parents for Thanksgiving. Out of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is arguably the most communal, providing the perfect opportunity for many new couples to break bread (literately and figuratively) with the new person in our lives. Some of us will be making this more than just a day trip, spending nights at the parents home for a couple of days.
The sleeping arrangements behind this situation are either a judgement call or an established rule. Some of our parents establish a strict two bed, separate room policy if we’re not married. That’s the rule in my household.
Over the years, I have brought home several women to meet my mom. Since she lives in California and all these relationships began on the East Coast, all the visits involved a few nights stay at Casa De Ms. Rita’s. Under her roof, it is her rules. When it came to sharing a bed, hell, when it came to being in a room with the door closed, Ms. Rita has zero tolerance. I was 27-years-old the last time I brought a woman to my mom’s home, the rule was still in effect.
I can’t say I have a problem with this rule. As a matter of fact, I find the rule to be so respectable and decent, I have taken to applying it to myself when I have been on the visitor end of a meet-the-parents trip. I have been in a couple of relationships with women who have the cool parents, saying I was more than welcome to sleep in the same bed as their daughter. I have always politely declined.
On a basic level, this is just me carrying on the values my mother instilled in me about this sort of thing. Like all people, I still follow some of my parents rules even if I’m not under their roof. I don’t eat any meals shirtless (the whooping my mom gave me the time I tried to sit at the dinner table without a shirt on still makes my skin crawl, and it was delivered 20 years ago), I don’t sleep in the same bed as my woman at her parents’ home even if they say I can.
But the other reason is, I honestly find such an arrangement kind of awkward. My woman and I sleeping in the same bed isn’t going to be the same in the parents house as it is when we’re back to living our regular lives as a regular couple. When we get back to our own apartments, in our own beds, we can and will do our own thing. But in the childhood bed, I promise you this, nothing is going down. It’s not so much that it’s rude (though I would say it is), it just feels slightly unsavory. To put it more bluntly, We don’t want the parent’s having sex on the couch while we’re visiting for the holidays, do we?
As uncomfortable as it is for me write that and for you to read that, that’s probably what the parents have been doing since the day we’ve moved out of their home. They’ve been doing it on the couch, maybe the kitchen, in the bathroom that you used to call “my bathroom”. Hell, maybe even in your old room. Matter of fact, definitely in your old room if your old room has now been changed into a “guest bedroom”.
From the day you moved out, your old house has become their new sex palace, at least 360 days out of the year. This not only goes for parents who are still together, this goes for many single parents too. Please believe, when the kids are gone at college or living their adult lives in some separate city, mama or daddy are acting like the good looking single people they are doing God knows what with Lord knows who.
But when you come home for the holidays, what do they do? They take a break from the couch sessions for you, the children. And if anything goes down in their master bedroom, they’re keeping it quiet for you, the children. It’s called respect, people. I don’t know what my mom and stepdad do now that they have the whole house to themselves, nor do I want to know (nor do I want you to call and “clear up some facts” with me, mom), but I would like them to keep whatever it is they do out of the common areas just as I promise the next time I bring home a woman to whom I’m not yet married, I promise to leave the doors open and sleep on the couch.
The sleeping arrangements behind this situation are either a judgement call or an established rule. Some of our parents establish a strict two bed, separate room policy if we’re not married. That’s the rule in my household.
Over the years, I have brought home several women to meet my mom. Since she lives in California and all these relationships began on the East Coast, all the visits involved a few nights stay at Casa De Ms. Rita’s. Under her roof, it is her rules. When it came to sharing a bed, hell, when it came to being in a room with the door closed, Ms. Rita has zero tolerance. I was 27-years-old the last time I brought a woman to my mom’s home, the rule was still in effect.
I can’t say I have a problem with this rule. As a matter of fact, I find the rule to be so respectable and decent, I have taken to applying it to myself when I have been on the visitor end of a meet-the-parents trip. I have been in a couple of relationships with women who have the cool parents, saying I was more than welcome to sleep in the same bed as their daughter. I have always politely declined.
On a basic level, this is just me carrying on the values my mother instilled in me about this sort of thing. Like all people, I still follow some of my parents rules even if I’m not under their roof. I don’t eat any meals shirtless (the whooping my mom gave me the time I tried to sit at the dinner table without a shirt on still makes my skin crawl, and it was delivered 20 years ago), I don’t sleep in the same bed as my woman at her parents’ home even if they say I can.
But the other reason is, I honestly find such an arrangement kind of awkward. My woman and I sleeping in the same bed isn’t going to be the same in the parents house as it is when we’re back to living our regular lives as a regular couple. When we get back to our own apartments, in our own beds, we can and will do our own thing. But in the childhood bed, I promise you this, nothing is going down. It’s not so much that it’s rude (though I would say it is), it just feels slightly unsavory. To put it more bluntly, We don’t want the parent’s having sex on the couch while we’re visiting for the holidays, do we?
As uncomfortable as it is for me write that and for you to read that, that’s probably what the parents have been doing since the day we’ve moved out of their home. They’ve been doing it on the couch, maybe the kitchen, in the bathroom that you used to call “my bathroom”. Hell, maybe even in your old room. Matter of fact, definitely in your old room if your old room has now been changed into a “guest bedroom”.
From the day you moved out, your old house has become their new sex palace, at least 360 days out of the year. This not only goes for parents who are still together, this goes for many single parents too. Please believe, when the kids are gone at college or living their adult lives in some separate city, mama or daddy are acting like the good looking single people they are doing God knows what with Lord knows who.
But when you come home for the holidays, what do they do? They take a break from the couch sessions for you, the children. And if anything goes down in their master bedroom, they’re keeping it quiet for you, the children. It’s called respect, people. I don’t know what my mom and stepdad do now that they have the whole house to themselves, nor do I want to know (nor do I want you to call and “clear up some facts” with me, mom), but I would like them to keep whatever it is they do out of the common areas just as I promise the next time I bring home a woman to whom I’m not yet married, I promise to leave the doors open and sleep on the couch.
AGE VS. MATURITY....
As I revisit 2008 and consider my approaching birthday a couple months from now (Pisces), I’ve realized I’ve come a long way over the X # years I’ve been on this earth. In certain areas of life, I feel like I’ve matured at a quicker rate than a lot of the people around me. On another level, I’ve been described as immature for things like my blatant silliness, strolling when a certain song comes on, and for writing blogs. Yes, one chick had the audacity to tell me that I wrote blogs for attention and that it was extremely immature. Can you believe that? Being the witty machine that I’ve been conditioned to be, I had a list of reasons explaining why she was a girl instead of a woman. There’s a distinct difference. As tempted as I am to share the list, I’ll save that for another day. Sorry folks.
What I really wanted to talk about were the roles of age and maturity from this Black male’s perspective. One thing I’ve learned is that age and maturity are 2 completely different things. I follow 3-4 blogs pretty closely in addition to running my own, and from what people are willing to disclose about themselves it seems like the average person reading and commenting is like 27+. And the older you get, the more experience you get…at least in theory.
So maybe it’s safe to say that the people who read these types of blogs are pretty mature overall? But what about everyone else? We all know the 28-35 year old dude who is still living at home and playing video games and doesn’t really seem too interested in personal development. We also all know the chick with the OD strict parents that dominated her life until she had a ring on her finger. When it comes to relationships and handling the stuff that matters, they can appear to be “a little bit behind.”
As I go to holiday parties, clubs, bars, mixers, and other social functions it just seems like people really are all over the place with where they’re at in their lives. I’ve dated the late 20’s chick who had the college degree and full-time job. I dated the college chick with all sorts of innocence that came from a really good upbringing. Both of which brought me joy in all sorts of ways, but ultimately didn’t work out for a variety of pitfalls that I failed to notice at the time.
What I once thought was mature and the way to go became the type of sh*t that made me wanna transform into the Black Incredible Hulk. Point here is that age isn’t the end all be all of what maturity is and supposed to be. As we’ve said time and time again…experience, experience, experience. As we get closer to those scary relationships that will become husbands and wives, we need people with a shared sense of experience who understand us and we can understand them.
My question to the faithful and generous readers is multi-layered. What are your thoughts on age of potential significant others and how do you go about handling those who seem real mature but then drop an age on you that isn’t what you expected? And perhaps more importantly, how do you define maturity? We all grown in our own ways. Let’s get it crackin!
What I really wanted to talk about were the roles of age and maturity from this Black male’s perspective. One thing I’ve learned is that age and maturity are 2 completely different things. I follow 3-4 blogs pretty closely in addition to running my own, and from what people are willing to disclose about themselves it seems like the average person reading and commenting is like 27+. And the older you get, the more experience you get…at least in theory.
So maybe it’s safe to say that the people who read these types of blogs are pretty mature overall? But what about everyone else? We all know the 28-35 year old dude who is still living at home and playing video games and doesn’t really seem too interested in personal development. We also all know the chick with the OD strict parents that dominated her life until she had a ring on her finger. When it comes to relationships and handling the stuff that matters, they can appear to be “a little bit behind.”
As I go to holiday parties, clubs, bars, mixers, and other social functions it just seems like people really are all over the place with where they’re at in their lives. I’ve dated the late 20’s chick who had the college degree and full-time job. I dated the college chick with all sorts of innocence that came from a really good upbringing. Both of which brought me joy in all sorts of ways, but ultimately didn’t work out for a variety of pitfalls that I failed to notice at the time.
What I once thought was mature and the way to go became the type of sh*t that made me wanna transform into the Black Incredible Hulk. Point here is that age isn’t the end all be all of what maturity is and supposed to be. As we’ve said time and time again…experience, experience, experience. As we get closer to those scary relationships that will become husbands and wives, we need people with a shared sense of experience who understand us and we can understand them.
My question to the faithful and generous readers is multi-layered. What are your thoughts on age of potential significant others and how do you go about handling those who seem real mature but then drop an age on you that isn’t what you expected? And perhaps more importantly, how do you define maturity? We all grown in our own ways. Let’s get it crackin!
November 21, 2011
FOUR LESSONS IN LOVE WE ALWAYS LEARN THE HARD WAY.....
Everywhere we go there are people looking to tell us about relationships. There are the psuedo-self-help books by people like Steve Harvey. There are the preachy movies from people like Tyler Perry and T.D. Jakes. There are blogs like this one here. And then there are our closest friends always ready and willing to impart advice. Sometimes the advice is great, sometimes, not so much. The perpetually confounding nature of relationships between men and women inspires us all to share what we’ve learned in relationship success and failure. Despite our unparallelled access to vicarious experience and wisdom, no matter how many books or blogs we read and no matter how many Tyler Perry movies we watch, some lessons in love are only learned the hard way. Here are a few I’ve learned along the way.
Long Term Long Distance Relationships Don’t Work
Raise your hand if you’ve tried a long distance relationship? Thought so. We’ve all been here. Despite the advice of all of our friends and everyone who’s ever attempted one, at some point in our lives we all try it out. They all have the same beginnings: you randomly and unexpectedly meet someone who is absolutely perfect … except for the little fact that they live far away. When this happens for the first time in our lives, we all tell ourselves the same thing: We can make it work. I’ll visit one month for a weekend and you can visit the next month for a weekend and if we happen to fall in love, we’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Even now, it sounds totally plausible, but if you’ve been in a long distance relationship before, you know it’s not. Most long distance relationships end one of two ways, either the love becomes too much and you decide to separate because neither person is willing to move. Or, more commonly, you realize that doing all of the things one must do to make a serious, committed, long term relationship work is impossible without the day to day inspiration of actually seeing the person you’re working for. At some point, something has to give. In order for any long distance relationship to have a chance, there has to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. There has to be an understanding that at some specific point in the future, there will be no longer major distance between the two of you. Absent that, these sorts of relationships are doomed to fail.
The Toughest Break-Ups Are the Ones Without Reason
There are a million reasons why a relationship might end. Sometimes a relationship will end because of infidelity. There aren’t many things more hurtful than when someone betrays the trust that exists in a relationship. Relationships also end because one person treats the other egregiously poor. Some people just don’t make good mates; maybe they’re selfish or mean-spirited, arrogant or abusive – whatever it is, breaking up in these sorts of situations is still hard and still damaging. While relationships ending under these sorts of circumstances are extremely unpleasant, nothing is worse than the relationship that just seems to end without reason. In a matter of weeks, a relationship that was progressing and maturing productively can disintegrate into nothing. One week you’re looking out into the future and seeing the same thing and the next week you can’t remember what it was that initially brought you together. Ending that sort of relationship is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Sitting around for hours trying to come up with a reason to end a relationship that has no major deal-breaking issues present was for me, much more difficult and emotionally draining than ending a relationship where something unforgivable had occurred. When a relationship ends without reason it’s hard to escape the feeling that the whole thing was just one big waste of time; like there was no point in starting it to begin with. It’s easy to wish that all of our relationships ended without major drama, but the truth is the relationships that end without drama can sometimes be much more painful and much more difficult to get over than the ones that do.
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener On the Other Side of the Fence
When I was in 8th grade I had a great girlfriend. We’d gone out for a few months (a pretty long time in junior high) we looked great together and we were pretty compatible. But there was this ninth grade girl that I really liked. I’d always had a crush on her but at that age, it’s nearly impossible for a boy to date a girl who’s older. We’d flirt here and there but nothing ever came of it till one day, fate found us alone in the basement of our school’s auditorium. We made out and it was awesome. I told my best friend and eventually it got back to my girlfriend. She broke up with me. Nothing became of the ninth grader and I. I realized then that when it comes to love, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. While there was genuine attraction between the ninth grader and I, the societal norms and expectations that told me to quell that attraction (the fact that she was older and the fact that I had a girlfriend at the time) only compounded and magnified the attraction. In the end, I was left lonely, wondering where it all went wrong. No matter how happy you are, there will always be other attractive people on this Earth. You can’t let their attractiveness have any influence on your relationship. For some this may mean avoiding people you find attractive altogether, and for others it may just mean not telling your best-friend when you explore that attraction.
“He Who Loves Least Controls The Relationship”
I recently had a conversation with a good friend about this paradoxically confusing but unwaveringly true phenomena. The healthiest relationships are the ones where both individuals love each other so much that they’re both more concerned with their mate’s happiness than their own. But as many of us have learned from experience, not all relationships are like this. Sometimes in a relationship, though both individuals care deeply for one another, one person cares a little more, feels a little deeper, loves a little harder. In a marriage you’ll find that your love has an ebb and flow, sometimes you love each other just the same, sometimes you’ll find yourself loving a little more and other times your partner will be the one loving a little more; in the end it should all balance out. If you’re not married however, recognizing who loves least, when they’re loving least, and how big the gap is between how you’re loving each other is essential. There’s no greater feeling of failure than when you’re the one loving the least and you’re watching this person you care deeply for cling to a relationship you both know is dying. Equally heartbreaking (I Imagine) is the prospect of knowing you harbor unshakeable, unconditional love for someone who doesn’t feel for you as deeply as you feel for them. The complexities of the ebb and flow of love are impossible to understand or comprehend unless you’ve been there, experienced them and learned them the hard way.
I was listening to Miguel’s “Hard Way” when I started writing this post. It’s a really dope song. The lyrics give us a peek into a particularly hurtful point in a relationship while the chorus tells us that for him, this sort of hurt is common; the sort of lesson he only learns the hard way. In my experience lessons learned the hard way have been the most valuable lessons I’ve learned. Have you experienced any of the above? What lessons has love taught you the hard way? Oh… and if you’re not familiar with the song peep it here: Miguel – Hard Way
Long Term Long Distance Relationships Don’t Work
Raise your hand if you’ve tried a long distance relationship? Thought so. We’ve all been here. Despite the advice of all of our friends and everyone who’s ever attempted one, at some point in our lives we all try it out. They all have the same beginnings: you randomly and unexpectedly meet someone who is absolutely perfect … except for the little fact that they live far away. When this happens for the first time in our lives, we all tell ourselves the same thing: We can make it work. I’ll visit one month for a weekend and you can visit the next month for a weekend and if we happen to fall in love, we’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Even now, it sounds totally plausible, but if you’ve been in a long distance relationship before, you know it’s not. Most long distance relationships end one of two ways, either the love becomes too much and you decide to separate because neither person is willing to move. Or, more commonly, you realize that doing all of the things one must do to make a serious, committed, long term relationship work is impossible without the day to day inspiration of actually seeing the person you’re working for. At some point, something has to give. In order for any long distance relationship to have a chance, there has to be some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. There has to be an understanding that at some specific point in the future, there will be no longer major distance between the two of you. Absent that, these sorts of relationships are doomed to fail.
The Toughest Break-Ups Are the Ones Without Reason
There are a million reasons why a relationship might end. Sometimes a relationship will end because of infidelity. There aren’t many things more hurtful than when someone betrays the trust that exists in a relationship. Relationships also end because one person treats the other egregiously poor. Some people just don’t make good mates; maybe they’re selfish or mean-spirited, arrogant or abusive – whatever it is, breaking up in these sorts of situations is still hard and still damaging. While relationships ending under these sorts of circumstances are extremely unpleasant, nothing is worse than the relationship that just seems to end without reason. In a matter of weeks, a relationship that was progressing and maturing productively can disintegrate into nothing. One week you’re looking out into the future and seeing the same thing and the next week you can’t remember what it was that initially brought you together. Ending that sort of relationship is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Sitting around for hours trying to come up with a reason to end a relationship that has no major deal-breaking issues present was for me, much more difficult and emotionally draining than ending a relationship where something unforgivable had occurred. When a relationship ends without reason it’s hard to escape the feeling that the whole thing was just one big waste of time; like there was no point in starting it to begin with. It’s easy to wish that all of our relationships ended without major drama, but the truth is the relationships that end without drama can sometimes be much more painful and much more difficult to get over than the ones that do.
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener On the Other Side of the Fence
When I was in 8th grade I had a great girlfriend. We’d gone out for a few months (a pretty long time in junior high) we looked great together and we were pretty compatible. But there was this ninth grade girl that I really liked. I’d always had a crush on her but at that age, it’s nearly impossible for a boy to date a girl who’s older. We’d flirt here and there but nothing ever came of it till one day, fate found us alone in the basement of our school’s auditorium. We made out and it was awesome. I told my best friend and eventually it got back to my girlfriend. She broke up with me. Nothing became of the ninth grader and I. I realized then that when it comes to love, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence. While there was genuine attraction between the ninth grader and I, the societal norms and expectations that told me to quell that attraction (the fact that she was older and the fact that I had a girlfriend at the time) only compounded and magnified the attraction. In the end, I was left lonely, wondering where it all went wrong. No matter how happy you are, there will always be other attractive people on this Earth. You can’t let their attractiveness have any influence on your relationship. For some this may mean avoiding people you find attractive altogether, and for others it may just mean not telling your best-friend when you explore that attraction.
“He Who Loves Least Controls The Relationship”
I recently had a conversation with a good friend about this paradoxically confusing but unwaveringly true phenomena. The healthiest relationships are the ones where both individuals love each other so much that they’re both more concerned with their mate’s happiness than their own. But as many of us have learned from experience, not all relationships are like this. Sometimes in a relationship, though both individuals care deeply for one another, one person cares a little more, feels a little deeper, loves a little harder. In a marriage you’ll find that your love has an ebb and flow, sometimes you love each other just the same, sometimes you’ll find yourself loving a little more and other times your partner will be the one loving a little more; in the end it should all balance out. If you’re not married however, recognizing who loves least, when they’re loving least, and how big the gap is between how you’re loving each other is essential. There’s no greater feeling of failure than when you’re the one loving the least and you’re watching this person you care deeply for cling to a relationship you both know is dying. Equally heartbreaking (I Imagine) is the prospect of knowing you harbor unshakeable, unconditional love for someone who doesn’t feel for you as deeply as you feel for them. The complexities of the ebb and flow of love are impossible to understand or comprehend unless you’ve been there, experienced them and learned them the hard way.
I was listening to Miguel’s “Hard Way” when I started writing this post. It’s a really dope song. The lyrics give us a peek into a particularly hurtful point in a relationship while the chorus tells us that for him, this sort of hurt is common; the sort of lesson he only learns the hard way. In my experience lessons learned the hard way have been the most valuable lessons I’ve learned. Have you experienced any of the above? What lessons has love taught you the hard way? Oh… and if you’re not familiar with the song peep it here: Miguel – Hard Way
November 17, 2011
A WANT VERSUS A NEED....
When is comes down to having what you want versus what you need....always go with what you want. You can turn a want into a need based on what need needs to be met at what time. You can NEVER turn a need into a want.
Only that ONE person can fill that want versus ANYBODY can fulfill that need.
Only that ONE person can fill that want versus ANYBODY can fulfill that need.
WORDS OF WISDOM.....
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest...
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