DEEP FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Can I be honest?

I spoke his name and he appeared, like the summoning of some spirit from a novice medium tapping into the "otherworld" for the first time. He came to me, pouring out his soul in a fount of words and emotions that caused reality to bend and stretch and blur. And I drank what flowed forth from his heart, lapping up every dripping word, savoring every heated emotion. The taste was different from what I recalled of the past. It was a genuine flow from a suffering soul. When all was said and his cup was empty, my stomach felt heavy and my tongue tasted bitter. Partaking in him came with a price.

Honesty is the first of many charges.

God, give me the courage to be honest.


I dream only of you. I love more than I would like to, more than I have the words to express, more than I have the power to contain, and more than I have the strength to fight. I believed, once, that I had let go, forgiving you of past crimes, and forging ahead with new men - all of whom only served as mirrors, reflecting you back to me. They lacked your firmness, your bravado, your lingering kiss, your eyes. They reminded me only of how incomplete life felt without you. And I will be honest enough to say that I haven't had sex with a single man since you and I tore one another apart through words and infidelity.

But I feel you've gone on to make a foolish mistake. Your confession of love would be no issue if you weren't already involved with another man's heart. This man's heart you've held before, you've broke before. Do you remember how I played the role of the other lover when you last held his heart? Love is dangerous in the hands of the foolish, and I will not be a fool again. Not when karma paid me back so perfectly for loving you in darkness.

So, where do we go from here, my dear? Will we remain lovers only in the depths of our minds while reality denies us another chance to make amends to Eros for spitting on his gift? Are we fated to be the ones who have obtained every thing in life except for love? Or are we just too young to realize that in time this love will fade into the ether, becoming little more than a fond memory of 'naive love'? Or perhaps it is the opposite... This love has had a year to fade and the memories and feelings seem to persist as defiantly and boldly as though you were here just yesterday.

If this is a test from the winged god of love... If he waits to see how highly his gift is regarded by our mortal souls, I am willing to take up arms and fight fiercely for the arrow that pierced my heart long ago. Does my honesty make me foolish?

Why must we suffer for love?

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