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October 31, 2011
October 28, 2011
October 27, 2011
For the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) Files - No. Sir.
We've had a few posts now where people have shared some horrific tales of man fail. Not the least of which were the comments from yesterday's #WTHwasIthinkin post. In the spirit of reach one, teach one - let's talk about a few things that will quickly land a man squarely in the S.No.B. (So Not Bougie) files. (Don't worry fellas, we'll do a no ma'am episode as well)
1. Animal Print Drawers - DRED = Don't Rock 'Em, Dudes. Unless you all are playing some sort of jungle cocoa game where dude is Tarzan...never mind. Just don't do it.
2. Unsolicited Outbursts of Poetry and/or Rap - I don't know who decided it was hot in the dating streetz for a fella to get his Def Poetry Slam on at Red Lobster between the salad and dinner course but I must implore fellas to cease and desist. There's a place to spit rhymes and hot fire, 9 times of 10 the dinner table is not that place.
3. "You got this, right?" - Date finances should always (always) be discussed prior to the check arriving at the table. Assumptions that your date will "cover" you may lead to misunderstandings, mild violence and misdemeanors.
4. Suits in fruit colors - Apple, cranberry, lime, lemon, cantaloupe. Stop the madness. Not only is it S.No.B. it's S.No.Sexy to impersonate a Jolly Rancher. Unless you're dressing up as Steve Harvey for Halloween... don't do it.
5. Funk - I don't mean sweat from the gym. There's a grace period for that. I mean pungent funk emanating from your mouth, armpits, feet, wherever. That's unacceptable. As is indiscriminate cologne usage. Fellas, please ask your most trusted crew if you smell like deep fried musky plant extract before splashing at will.
I say these things with love, fellas.
BougieLand, care to add to the S.No.B. No Sir Files? Sharing is caring. The floor is yours.
1. Animal Print Drawers - DRED = Don't Rock 'Em, Dudes. Unless you all are playing some sort of jungle cocoa game where dude is Tarzan...never mind. Just don't do it.
2. Unsolicited Outbursts of Poetry and/or Rap - I don't know who decided it was hot in the dating streetz for a fella to get his Def Poetry Slam on at Red Lobster between the salad and dinner course but I must implore fellas to cease and desist. There's a place to spit rhymes and hot fire, 9 times of 10 the dinner table is not that place.
3. "You got this, right?" - Date finances should always (always) be discussed prior to the check arriving at the table. Assumptions that your date will "cover" you may lead to misunderstandings, mild violence and misdemeanors.
4. Suits in fruit colors - Apple, cranberry, lime, lemon, cantaloupe. Stop the madness. Not only is it S.No.B. it's S.No.Sexy to impersonate a Jolly Rancher. Unless you're dressing up as Steve Harvey for Halloween... don't do it.
5. Funk - I don't mean sweat from the gym. There's a grace period for that. I mean pungent funk emanating from your mouth, armpits, feet, wherever. That's unacceptable. As is indiscriminate cologne usage. Fellas, please ask your most trusted crew if you smell like deep fried musky plant extract before splashing at will.
I say these things with love, fellas.
BougieLand, care to add to the S.No.B. No Sir Files? Sharing is caring. The floor is yours.
October 25, 2011
THE 80/20 RULE....
The Pareto principle (also known as the 80-20 rule, the law of the vital few, and the principle of factor sparsity) states that, for many events, roughly 80% of the effects come from 20% of the causes
PLAYING YOUR POSITION.....(THOUGHTS)
Whenever I write about unconventional relationships like unboyfriends, open relationships, or casual hookups, the discussion always leads to someone protesting that they can’t get involved in these types of situations because they’re unable to “turn their feelings off”. I think this may well be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life.
For one thing, the last time I checked, the only people who are able to completely turn off their feelings are sociopaths; I hardly think it makes sense to say that we can’t do something because we’re not sociopaths. Secondly, it’s not our feelings that are the problem in life, it’s how we choose to act on said feelings.
This is where the notion of playing your position comes in. And all it really means is keeping your behaviour confined to the scope of the situation you’re in. It seems pretty simple but it always seems to go so terribly wrong.
Let’s take for example the f*ck buddy and friend with benefits relationships. Such a beautiful concept – two people coming together (pause?) for a thronx and maybe a conversation with no obligation to participate if they don’t want to and the freedom to do the same thing with other people an hour later if they’re up for it. It could be a such a wonderful thing; if only people didn’t mess it up.
Wait – did you catch that? People sh!t it up, not feelings.
What goes wrong in these situations is not that someone catches feelings; that’s a common enough affliction that even I the most cold-hearted among us cannot avoid forever. What goes wrong in these situations is that one f*ck buddy wants to make their feelings the other f*ck buddy’s problem. So when a woman finds herself daydreaming about jumping brooms with the man that just put it on her, instead of keeping it to herself like she should be she decides she’s going to unilaterally alter the nature of the relationship by suddenly expecting the man to date her. And then get angry when he doesn’t see the point in paying money for milk he’s been getting for free. And when the male FWB suddenly decides he wants exclusive access to the p*ssy he’d previously been content to have a time share in, instead of sitting quietly and waiting for the wave of temporary insanity to pass him, he starts flying into jealous rages over the fact that other men are sniffing the ladyflower.
The whole point of casual relationships is that no one has to alter their behaviour to accomodate anyone’s feelings. So when we start imposing them on one another the delicate balance of the no-strings situation is irrevocably upset. This is where playing your position comes in. If you are a jump off or a f*ck buddy or a friend with benefits, you have to abide by the rules of engagement. And all “situations” have them, whether they’re tacit or explicit. If a man wanted to walk down the street holding hands with you, he’d be your boyfriend not your f*ck buddy. And if a woman wanted to give you exclusive access to her nani, she’d make you put a ring on it. Basic principle of playing your position – if you’re not a bona fide, don’t act bona fide.
But playing your position isn’t only confined to casual relationships; it applies to those of you who are boo’d up as well. When you are in an exclusive relationship, you’re expected to reserve certain behaviours for your significant other. But we’re all human and sometimes we feel the urge to get close to someone other than the one to whom we are enslaved committed. That’s not the problem. The problem is when the man who wifed the high-powered no-cooking career woman starts eating his meals in little Suzy Homemaker’s panties. The problem is when the woman who married the strong silent type lets another dude whisper sweet nothings in her ear while he’s long stroking her. It’s not the inclination to experience something with someone else that’s the problem, the act of doing so is the problem.
One of the things that separates humans from animals is our ability to squelch our urges, but people seem to forget that when it comes to relationships. Once sex or love gets involved we like to pretend that we have no choice but to act on every feeling we have, regardless of whether it’s appropriate. Playing your position is basically a fancy way of saying you made your bed now lie in it. And if you don’t want to lie in it then get out.
For one thing, the last time I checked, the only people who are able to completely turn off their feelings are sociopaths; I hardly think it makes sense to say that we can’t do something because we’re not sociopaths. Secondly, it’s not our feelings that are the problem in life, it’s how we choose to act on said feelings.
This is where the notion of playing your position comes in. And all it really means is keeping your behaviour confined to the scope of the situation you’re in. It seems pretty simple but it always seems to go so terribly wrong.
Let’s take for example the f*ck buddy and friend with benefits relationships. Such a beautiful concept – two people coming together (pause?) for a thronx and maybe a conversation with no obligation to participate if they don’t want to and the freedom to do the same thing with other people an hour later if they’re up for it. It could be a such a wonderful thing; if only people didn’t mess it up.
Wait – did you catch that? People sh!t it up, not feelings.
What goes wrong in these situations is not that someone catches feelings; that’s a common enough affliction that even I the most cold-hearted among us cannot avoid forever. What goes wrong in these situations is that one f*ck buddy wants to make their feelings the other f*ck buddy’s problem. So when a woman finds herself daydreaming about jumping brooms with the man that just put it on her, instead of keeping it to herself like she should be she decides she’s going to unilaterally alter the nature of the relationship by suddenly expecting the man to date her. And then get angry when he doesn’t see the point in paying money for milk he’s been getting for free. And when the male FWB suddenly decides he wants exclusive access to the p*ssy he’d previously been content to have a time share in, instead of sitting quietly and waiting for the wave of temporary insanity to pass him, he starts flying into jealous rages over the fact that other men are sniffing the ladyflower.
The whole point of casual relationships is that no one has to alter their behaviour to accomodate anyone’s feelings. So when we start imposing them on one another the delicate balance of the no-strings situation is irrevocably upset. This is where playing your position comes in. If you are a jump off or a f*ck buddy or a friend with benefits, you have to abide by the rules of engagement. And all “situations” have them, whether they’re tacit or explicit. If a man wanted to walk down the street holding hands with you, he’d be your boyfriend not your f*ck buddy. And if a woman wanted to give you exclusive access to her nani, she’d make you put a ring on it. Basic principle of playing your position – if you’re not a bona fide, don’t act bona fide.
But playing your position isn’t only confined to casual relationships; it applies to those of you who are boo’d up as well. When you are in an exclusive relationship, you’re expected to reserve certain behaviours for your significant other. But we’re all human and sometimes we feel the urge to get close to someone other than the one to whom we are enslaved committed. That’s not the problem. The problem is when the man who wifed the high-powered no-cooking career woman starts eating his meals in little Suzy Homemaker’s panties. The problem is when the woman who married the strong silent type lets another dude whisper sweet nothings in her ear while he’s long stroking her. It’s not the inclination to experience something with someone else that’s the problem, the act of doing so is the problem.
One of the things that separates humans from animals is our ability to squelch our urges, but people seem to forget that when it comes to relationships. Once sex or love gets involved we like to pretend that we have no choice but to act on every feeling we have, regardless of whether it’s appropriate. Playing your position is basically a fancy way of saying you made your bed now lie in it. And if you don’t want to lie in it then get out.
October 24, 2011
LIFE LESSON 189....
Growth and maturity are when you realize that YOU are not good for the situation and instead of damaging/hurting somebody else, you take yourself out of the equation.
We all want what we want when we want it but a REAL MAN or WOMAN thinks about other people and how your actions will/can affect them for a lifetime. That's called being selfless.
We all want what we want when we want it but a REAL MAN or WOMAN thinks about other people and how your actions will/can affect them for a lifetime. That's called being selfless.
5 THINGS ABOUT MEN ILL TEACH MY DAUGHTER....
You guys wanna know a secret? More than anything, I’ve always wanted a daughter. When the prospect of having children was nothing more than a distant dream, the child I dreamt of the most was my future little girl. As I’ve gotten older and the idea of having children has progressed from dream to long term goal, to short term goal, to plan, the need to build a legacy that lasts generations has increased my desire for male offspring. I need sons to carry forward my name and advance whatever greatness I achieve in my lifetime. Still, when I think about being a father, when I think about my relationship with my children, the relationship I look forward to the most is the relationship I’ll have with daddy’s little girl.
I imagine we’ll be close, close enough for her to feel comfortable sharing with me her romantic hopes, dreams, trepidations, and loves. At being a man, I’m pretty well practiced. Not only that, but I’m also the kind of man that spends hours upon hours thinking about decisions I’ve made, analyzing why I think the things I think, and constantly working toward achieving that next level of manliness. I say that to say, I think I know men well. I hope I am a good enough father and a man enough man to be stern, when necessary, gentle when necessary and when necessary, comfortable enough to share with my daughter all of the secrets she’ll need know to be successful in life and love. Most of all, I hope that through my actions she’s able to learn everything she needs to learn about what a man should be.
Two Monday’s ago I started the Future Father Series with “Five Things About Women I’ll Teach My Son,” today’s post picks up where that one left off. Today I want to share with you all five things about men I’ll teach my daughter. Let’s jump right in.
Many Men, By Nature, Are Secretive
Men abide in secrets. All of the best and worst parts of a man, the things that make him who he is, are found in places he keeps obscured from public view, only sharing with those who’ve earned his trust. This is not a bad thing. I’m actually distrustful of men who portend to bare their souls to every person they happen to come across. Maybe it’s because we’re not asked about our feelings enough as children or maybe it’s born out of some antiquated ideology around masculinity. Whatever the cause, the fact remains, most men you encounter will have secrets, and before you give yourself to a man, make sure you’ve seen those places no one else sees.
How might you do this? Well, the first step is to listen. Listen not just to what a man says, but also to what he is saying. Bits and pieces of the truth of who a man is and who he is not can come out at any moment. Secrets are not always shared in deep, expansive conversations, sometimes they’re bared in those unexpectedly intimate moments when you’re sitting around doing nothing. Next, learn to challenge without judging. Most of the secrets a worthwhile man will share will be things he’s already spent hours obsessing over. If you can ask a perfectly timed question that doesn’t pass judgment but forces him to re-think whatever conclusion he’s already come to, you’ll get the rare opportunity to see that man sans the wall, moat, shield and suit of armor he’s built to protect himself. And once you’ve seen us that vulnerable, we have but two choices, kill you or love you. Most times we’ll choose the latter.
Ladies: Ever met a man who kept the best parts of himself to himself until he developed a certain measure of trust in you?
Fellas: How secretive are you? How much of yourself do you hold back in the early stages of a relationship.
Men Don’t Make Mistakes
This is not to say that men are perfect, we are not. It is to say that the vast majority of a man’s actions, both heroic, and villainous, will be the product of premeditation. In hindsight they are mistakes, but in the moment, we know exactly what we’re doing and we are weighing the consequences with each forward step we take. Trust not and forgive not a man who tells you he made a mistake because if he views it as a mistake, he’s likely to make it again. Understand, there’s a difference between a man telling you he made a mistake, and a man telling you he made a decision that was wrong. One abdicates responsibility and the other accepts responsibility. The fact that a man takes responsibility for his decisions doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a man worthy of you, but it does mean he has a good grasp of who he is and what he’s capable of; and that makes him more trustworthy than the man who makes mistakes. How you choose to proceed is up to you, but understanding the difference before making your decision is important. If a man shows you who he is, believe him… the first time.
Ever been in a relationship and either made or been the victim of a major error in judgement or poor decision? How did you handle it? When looking back, was it really a mistake?
A Man’s Love Is Not Confusing
Some things about us are complicated. Our ability to compartmentalize our lives, our affinity for secrets – these are all things that can at times, be difficult to comprehend. But when we love, it’s not complex at all – it’s obvious. The only thing we put before our own happiness, our own goals, and our own desires is a woman we love. Love inspires selflessness so if we’re not putting you first, it’s probably because we don’t love you. If you’re confused about whether or not we love you, we probably are too. If you have to sit around plucking pedals off a dandelion saying “he loves me, he loves me not” you’ve already got your answer. Has there ever been a moment in your life where you doubted my love for you? From when you were just a little girl all the way up till now, whether I was angry at you or whether you were angry at me, you’ve always known I loved you right? My love for your mother is the same and so too will be the love of the man who falls for you. You’ll just know.
Most Men Will Only Respect You To The Extent They Think You Respect Yourself
This seems a lot more obvious than it really is; if you respect yourself, men will respect you. Simple enough right? The thing you need to understand is, men won’t always use the same yard stick as you when it comes to measuring how much we think you respect yourself. We often make our own judgments based on our own arbitrary formulas that take into unquantifiable account what you say, what you do, what people say you said, what people say you do, and a whole host of other things that may or may not be in your control. We treat you how we think you deserve to be treated, not how you think you deserve to be treated. You might see yourself as a Queen and the man you’re getting to know, through his words, his actions, his general attitude toward you might be showing you that he disagrees. What are you to do then? I’ll never tell you to change who you are or what you do because of how a man sees you, but you do need to understand that sometimes, a man’s opinion about you – however inaccurate – cannot be changed. In those situations you need to have the discipline, character, and self-esteem to be willing to just move on. He’s not for you.
Fellas, keep it real, ever disrespected a woman you were dealing with because you thought she didn’t respect herself? Ladies, ever felt like a man treated you less than you deserved because of a lack of respect?
Not All Men Are Created Equal
Contrary to Jefferson’s words in the Declaration of Independence, all men are not created equal. Sure, in God’s eyes we’re all the same, but as it relates to you and your happiness, you’ll find some of us are better than others. How to figure out the man’s man from the rest will, at some point, be of great importance to you. There are many scales by which history has advised we judge men. Hov would tell you to judge a man by his achievement, but then Martin told us the ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. Voltaire said judge a man by his questions, not his answers. Still, Longfellow would say that we judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. My advice: judge the men you come to know by the consistency with which they do the things they say they are going to do. A man’s word is his bond and a man who consistently breaks that bond is a lesser man than the man you deserve.
The prospect of having children, a daughter no less, is daunting, and scary, and exciting at the same time. I hope and pray I’m blessed enough to be allowed initiation into the fraternity of fathers. And when I am, I hope for sons, and look forward to daughters. Till then, all I can do is sit around and think about the things I’ll pass on. What do you all think, is this good information to pass my daughter about men, am I missing some major points? How about you? What secrets about men would you all will pass along to your daughters. Moms and future moms, what have you learned from your experiences? Dads and future dads what nuggets of man-logic are you planning to pass along to your little girls.
I imagine we’ll be close, close enough for her to feel comfortable sharing with me her romantic hopes, dreams, trepidations, and loves. At being a man, I’m pretty well practiced. Not only that, but I’m also the kind of man that spends hours upon hours thinking about decisions I’ve made, analyzing why I think the things I think, and constantly working toward achieving that next level of manliness. I say that to say, I think I know men well. I hope I am a good enough father and a man enough man to be stern, when necessary, gentle when necessary and when necessary, comfortable enough to share with my daughter all of the secrets she’ll need know to be successful in life and love. Most of all, I hope that through my actions she’s able to learn everything she needs to learn about what a man should be.
Two Monday’s ago I started the Future Father Series with “Five Things About Women I’ll Teach My Son,” today’s post picks up where that one left off. Today I want to share with you all five things about men I’ll teach my daughter. Let’s jump right in.
Many Men, By Nature, Are Secretive
Men abide in secrets. All of the best and worst parts of a man, the things that make him who he is, are found in places he keeps obscured from public view, only sharing with those who’ve earned his trust. This is not a bad thing. I’m actually distrustful of men who portend to bare their souls to every person they happen to come across. Maybe it’s because we’re not asked about our feelings enough as children or maybe it’s born out of some antiquated ideology around masculinity. Whatever the cause, the fact remains, most men you encounter will have secrets, and before you give yourself to a man, make sure you’ve seen those places no one else sees.
How might you do this? Well, the first step is to listen. Listen not just to what a man says, but also to what he is saying. Bits and pieces of the truth of who a man is and who he is not can come out at any moment. Secrets are not always shared in deep, expansive conversations, sometimes they’re bared in those unexpectedly intimate moments when you’re sitting around doing nothing. Next, learn to challenge without judging. Most of the secrets a worthwhile man will share will be things he’s already spent hours obsessing over. If you can ask a perfectly timed question that doesn’t pass judgment but forces him to re-think whatever conclusion he’s already come to, you’ll get the rare opportunity to see that man sans the wall, moat, shield and suit of armor he’s built to protect himself. And once you’ve seen us that vulnerable, we have but two choices, kill you or love you. Most times we’ll choose the latter.
Ladies: Ever met a man who kept the best parts of himself to himself until he developed a certain measure of trust in you?
Fellas: How secretive are you? How much of yourself do you hold back in the early stages of a relationship.
Men Don’t Make Mistakes
This is not to say that men are perfect, we are not. It is to say that the vast majority of a man’s actions, both heroic, and villainous, will be the product of premeditation. In hindsight they are mistakes, but in the moment, we know exactly what we’re doing and we are weighing the consequences with each forward step we take. Trust not and forgive not a man who tells you he made a mistake because if he views it as a mistake, he’s likely to make it again. Understand, there’s a difference between a man telling you he made a mistake, and a man telling you he made a decision that was wrong. One abdicates responsibility and the other accepts responsibility. The fact that a man takes responsibility for his decisions doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a man worthy of you, but it does mean he has a good grasp of who he is and what he’s capable of; and that makes him more trustworthy than the man who makes mistakes. How you choose to proceed is up to you, but understanding the difference before making your decision is important. If a man shows you who he is, believe him… the first time.
Ever been in a relationship and either made or been the victim of a major error in judgement or poor decision? How did you handle it? When looking back, was it really a mistake?
A Man’s Love Is Not Confusing
Some things about us are complicated. Our ability to compartmentalize our lives, our affinity for secrets – these are all things that can at times, be difficult to comprehend. But when we love, it’s not complex at all – it’s obvious. The only thing we put before our own happiness, our own goals, and our own desires is a woman we love. Love inspires selflessness so if we’re not putting you first, it’s probably because we don’t love you. If you’re confused about whether or not we love you, we probably are too. If you have to sit around plucking pedals off a dandelion saying “he loves me, he loves me not” you’ve already got your answer. Has there ever been a moment in your life where you doubted my love for you? From when you were just a little girl all the way up till now, whether I was angry at you or whether you were angry at me, you’ve always known I loved you right? My love for your mother is the same and so too will be the love of the man who falls for you. You’ll just know.
Most Men Will Only Respect You To The Extent They Think You Respect Yourself
This seems a lot more obvious than it really is; if you respect yourself, men will respect you. Simple enough right? The thing you need to understand is, men won’t always use the same yard stick as you when it comes to measuring how much we think you respect yourself. We often make our own judgments based on our own arbitrary formulas that take into unquantifiable account what you say, what you do, what people say you said, what people say you do, and a whole host of other things that may or may not be in your control. We treat you how we think you deserve to be treated, not how you think you deserve to be treated. You might see yourself as a Queen and the man you’re getting to know, through his words, his actions, his general attitude toward you might be showing you that he disagrees. What are you to do then? I’ll never tell you to change who you are or what you do because of how a man sees you, but you do need to understand that sometimes, a man’s opinion about you – however inaccurate – cannot be changed. In those situations you need to have the discipline, character, and self-esteem to be willing to just move on. He’s not for you.
Fellas, keep it real, ever disrespected a woman you were dealing with because you thought she didn’t respect herself? Ladies, ever felt like a man treated you less than you deserved because of a lack of respect?
Not All Men Are Created Equal
Contrary to Jefferson’s words in the Declaration of Independence, all men are not created equal. Sure, in God’s eyes we’re all the same, but as it relates to you and your happiness, you’ll find some of us are better than others. How to figure out the man’s man from the rest will, at some point, be of great importance to you. There are many scales by which history has advised we judge men. Hov would tell you to judge a man by his achievement, but then Martin told us the ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. Voltaire said judge a man by his questions, not his answers. Still, Longfellow would say that we judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done. My advice: judge the men you come to know by the consistency with which they do the things they say they are going to do. A man’s word is his bond and a man who consistently breaks that bond is a lesser man than the man you deserve.
The prospect of having children, a daughter no less, is daunting, and scary, and exciting at the same time. I hope and pray I’m blessed enough to be allowed initiation into the fraternity of fathers. And when I am, I hope for sons, and look forward to daughters. Till then, all I can do is sit around and think about the things I’ll pass on. What do you all think, is this good information to pass my daughter about men, am I missing some major points? How about you? What secrets about men would you all will pass along to your daughters. Moms and future moms, what have you learned from your experiences? Dads and future dads what nuggets of man-logic are you planning to pass along to your little girls.
October 21, 2011
October 19, 2011
FROM MAMMY...TO JEZEBEL...TO BLACK GIRLS WHO ROCK....!!!
This is an essay... originally written in 2002. I rarely share my "bunkered" essays, and this one is a little lengthy, but after watching Tyler Perry's "For Colored Girls" and encountering some very self-disparaging feedback about it and other Black movies in general (including some unabashed self blame), I felt compelled to touch this up and re share... just some perspective....
_____________________
Jezebel Stereotypes
The portrayal of Black women as lascivious by nature is an enduring stereotype. The descriptive words associated with this stereotype are singular in their focus: seductive, alluring, worldly, beguiling, tempting, and lewd. Historically, White women, as a category, were portrayed as models of self-respect, self-control, and modesty – even sexual purity, but Black women were often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory. This depiction of Black women is signified by the name Jezebel.2
K. Sue Jewell, a contemporary sociologist, conceptualized the Jezebel as a tragic mulatto – "thin lips, long straight hair, slender nose, thin figure and fair complexion."3 This conceptualization is too narrow. It is true that the "tragic mulatto" and "Jezebel" share the reputation of being sexually seductive, and both are antithetical to the desexualized "Mammy" caricature; nevertheless, it is a mistake to assume that only, or even mainly, fair-complexioned Black women were sexually objectified by the larger American society. From the early 1630s to the present, Black American women of all shades have been portrayed as hypersexual "bad-black-girls."4
Jewell's conceptualization is based on a kernel of historical truth. Many of the slavery-era Blacks sold into prostitution were mulattoes. Also, freeborn light-skinned Black women sometimes became the willing concubines of wealthy White southerners. This system, called placage, involved a formal arrangement for the White suitor/customer to financially support the Black woman and her children in exchange for her long-term sexual services. The White men often met the Black women at "Quadroon Balls," a genteel sex market.
The belief that Blacks are sexually lewd predates the institution of slavery in America. European travelers to Africa found scantily clad natives. This semi nudity was misinterpreted as lewdness. White Europeans, locked into the racial ethnocentrism of the 17th century, saw African polygamy and tribal dances as proof of the African's uncontrolled sexual lust. Europeans were fascinated by African sexuality. William Bosman described the Black women on the coast of Guinea as "fiery" and "warm" and "so much hotter than the men."5 William Smith described African women as "hot constitution'd Ladies" who "are continually contriving stratagems how to gain a lover."6 The genesis of anti-Black sexual arch types emerged from the writings of these and other Europeans: the Black male as brute and potential rapist; the Black woman, as Jezebel whore.
The English colonists accepted the Elizabethan image of "the lusty Moor," and used this and similar stereotypes to justify enslaving Blacks. In part, this was accomplished by arguing that Blacks were subhumans: intellectually inferior, culturally stunted, morally underdeveloped, and animal-like sexually. Whites used racist and sexist ideologies to argue that they alone were civilized and rational, whereas Blacks, and other people of color, were barbaric and deserved to be subjugated.7
The Jezebel stereotype was used during slavery as a rationalization for sexual relations between White men and Black women, especially sexual unions involving slavers and slaves. The Jezebel was depicted as a Black woman with an insatiable appetite for sex. She was not satisfied with Black men. The slavery-era Jezebel, it was claimed, desired sexual relations with White men; therefore, White men did not have to rape Black women. James Redpath, an abolitionist no less, wrote that slave women were "gratified by the criminal advances of Saxons."8 This view is contradicted by Frederick Douglass, the abolitionist and former slave, who claimed that the "slave woman is at the mercy of the fathers, sons or brothers of her master."9 Douglass's account is consistent with the accounts of other former slaves. Henry Bibb's master forced a young slave to be his son's concubine; later, Bibb and his wife were sold to a Kentucky trader who forced Bibb's wife into prostitution.10
Slave women were property; therefore, legally they could not be raped. Often slavers would offer gifts or promises of reduced labor if the slave women would consent to sexual relations, and there were instances where the slaver and slave shared sexual attraction; however, "the rape of a female slave was probably the most common form of interracial sex."11 A slave woman explained, "When he make me follow him into de bush, what use me to tell him no? He have strength to make me."12 At the same time, Black men convicted of raping White women were usually castrated, hanged, or both.13
People make decisions based on the options they have and the options that they perceive. The objective realities of slavery and the slaves' subjective interpretations of the institution both led female slaves to engage "voluntarily" in sexual unions with Whites, especially slavers, their sons, and their overseers. A slave who refused the sexual advances of her slaver risked being sold, beaten, raped, and having her "husband" or children sold. Many slave women conceded to sexual relations with Whites, thereby reinforcing the belief that Black women were lustful and available.
The idea that Black women were naturally and inevitably sexually promiscuous was reinforced by several features of the slavery institution. Slaves, whether on the auction block or offered privately for sale, were often stripped naked and physically examined. In theory, this was done to insure that they were healthy, able to reproduce, and, equally important, to look for whipping scars – the presence of which implied that the slave was rebellious. In practice, the stripping and touching of slaves had a sexually exploitative,14 sometimes sadistic function. Nakedness, especially among women in the 18th and 19th centuries, implied lack of civility, morality, and sexual restraint even when the nakedness was forced. Slaves, of both sexes and all ages, often wore few clothes or clothes so ragged that their legs, thighs, and chests were exposed. Conversely, Whites, especially women, wore clothing over most of their bodies. The contrast between the clothing reinforced the beliefs that White women were civilized, modest, and sexually pure, whereas Black women were uncivilized, immodest, and sexually aberrant.
Black slave women were also frequently pregnant. The institution of slavery depended on Black women to supply future slaves. By every method imaginable, slave women were "encouraged" to reproduce. Some slavers, for example, offered a new pig for each child born to a slave family, a new dress to the slave woman for each surviving infant, or no work on Saturdays to Black women who produced six children.15 Young Black girls were encouraged to have sex as "anticipatory socialization" for their later status as "breeders." When they did reproduce, their fecundity was seen, as proof of their insatiable sexual appetites. Deborah Gray White, a contemporary historian, wrote:
Major periodicals carried articles detailing optimal conditions under which bonded women were known to reproduce, and the merits of a particular "breeder" were often the topic of parlor or dinner table conversations. The fact that something so personal and private became a matter of public discussion prompted one ex-slave to declare that "women wasn't nothing but cattle." Once reproduction became a topic of public conversation, so did the slave woman's sexual activities.16
The Jezebel stereotype is contradicted by several historical facts. Although Black women, especially those with brown or tan skin and "European features," were sometimes forced into prostitution for White men, "slaves had no prostitution and very little venereal disease within their communities."17 Slaves rarely chose spouses from among their blood relatives. Slavers often encouraged, and sometimes mandated, sexual promiscuity among their slaves; nevertheless, most slaves sought long-term, monogamous relationships. Slaves "married" when allowed, and adultery was frowned upon in most Black "communities." During Reconstruction "slaves eagerly legitimated their unions, holding mass-marriage ceremonies and individual weddings."18
Unfortunately for Black women, Emancipation and Reconstruction did not stop their sexual victimization. From the end of the Civil War to the mid-1960s, no Southern White male was convicted of raping or attempting to rape a Black woman; yet, the crime was common.19 Black women, especially in the South or border states, had little legal recourse when raped by White men, and many Black women were reluctant to report their sexual victimization by Black men for fear that the Black men would be lynched.20
Jezebel in the 20th Century
The portrayal of Black women as Jezebel whores began in slavery, extended through the Jim Crow period, and continues today. Although the Mammy caricature was the dominant popular cultural image of Black women from slavery to the 1950s, the depiction of Black women as Jezebels was common in American material culture. Everyday items – such as ashtrays, postcards, sheet music, fishing lures, drinking glasses, and so forth – depicted naked or scantily dressed Black women, lacking modesty and sexual restraint. For example, a metal nutcracker (circa 1930s) depicts a topless Black woman. The nut is placed under her skirt, in her crotch, and crushed.21 Items like this one reflected and shaped White attitudes toward Black female sexuality. An analysis of the Jezebel images in the Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia reveals several patterns.
Many of the Jezebel objects caricature and mock African women. For example, in the 1950s "ZULU LULU" was a popular set of swizzle sticks used for stirring drinks. There were several versions of this product but all show silhouettes of naked African women of various ages. One version read: "Nifty at 15, spiffy at 20, sizzling at 25, perky at 30, declining at 35, droopy at 40." There were versions that included depictions of African women at fifty and sixty years of age. ZULU LULU was billed as a party gag as illustrated by this advertisement on the product:
Don't pity Lulu – you're not getting younger yourself…laugh with your guests when they find these hilarious swizzle sticks in their drinks. ZULU-LULU will be the most popular girl at your party.
The Jezebel images which defame African women may be viewed in two broad categories: pathetic others and exotic others. Pathetic others include those depictions of African women as physically unattractive, unintelligent, and uncivilized. These images suggest that African women in particular and Black women in general possess aberrant physical, social, and cultural traits. The African woman's features are distorted – her lips are exaggerated, her breasts sag, she is often inebriated. The pathetic other, like the Mammy caricature before her, is drawn to refute the claim that White men find Black women sexually appealing. Yet, this depiction of the African woman has an obvious sexual component: she is often placed in a sexual setting, naked or near naked, inebriated or holding a drink, her eyes suggesting a sexual longing. She is a sexual being, but not one that White men would consider.
An example of the pathetic other is a banner (circa 1930s) showing a drunken African woman with the caption, "Martini Anyone?"22 The message is clear: this pathetic other is too ugly, too stupid, and too different to elicit sexual attraction from reasonable men; instead, she is a source of pity, laughter, and derision.
The material objects which depict African and Black women as exotic others do not portray them as physically unattractive, although they are sometimes portrayed as being socially and culturally deficient. During the first half of the twentieth century images of topless or completely nude African women were often placed in magazines and on souvenir items, planters, drinking glasses, figurines, ashtrays, and novelty items.
It must be emphasized that the items that depict African and African American women as one-dimensional sexual beings are often everyday items – found in the homes, garages, automobiles, and offices of "mainstream" Americans. These items are functional – in addition to promoting anti-Black stereotypes, they also have practical utility. For example, a topless bust of a Black woman with a fishing hook attached functions as an object of racial stereotyping and as a fishing lure. One such object was the "Virgin Fishing Lucky Lure (circa 1950s)." It has become a highly sought after collectible nationwide.
An analysis of Jezebel images also reveals that Black female children are sexually objectified. Black girls, with the faces of pre-teenagers, are drawn with adult sized buttocks, which are exposed. They are naked, scantily clad, or hiding seductively behind towels, blankets, trees, or other objects. A 1949 postcard shows a naked Black girl hiding her genitals with a paper fan. Although she has the appearance of a small child she has noticeable breasts. The accompanying caption reads: "Honey, I'se Waitin' Fo' You Down South."23 The sexual innuendo is obvious.
Another postcard (circa 1950s) shows a Black girl, approximately eight years old, standing in a watermelon patch. She has a protruding stomach. The caption reads: "Oh-I is Not!...It Must Be Sumthin' I Et!!" Her exposed right shoulder and the churlish grin suggest that the protruding stomach resulted from a sexual experience, not overeating. The portrayal of this prepubescent girl as pregnant suggests that Black females are sexually active and sexually irresponsible even as small children.
The belief that Black women are sexually promiscuous is propagated by innumerable images of pregnant Black women and Black women with large numbers of children. A 1947 greeting card depicting a Black Mammy bears the caption: "Ah keeps right on sendin' em!" Inside is a young Black woman with eight small children. The inside caption reads: "As long as you keeps on havin' em."
In the 1964 presidential election between Lyndon Johnson and Barry Goldwater, Johnson used the political slogan, "All the way with LBJ." A mid-1960s license plate shows a caricatured Black woman, pregnant, with these words, "Ah went all de way wib LBJ." Johnson received overwhelming support from Black voters. The image on the license plate, which also appeared on posters and smaller prints, insults Blacks generally, Black Democrats, and Black women.
Black Jezebels in American Cinema
In the 1915 movie The Birth of a Nation, Lydia Brown is a mulatto character. She is the mistress of the White character Senator Stoneman. Lydia is savage, corrupt, and lascivious. She is portrayed as overtly sexual, and she uses her "feminine wiles" to deceive the formerly good White man. Lydia's characterization was rare in early American cinema. There was a splattering of Black "loose women" and "fallen women" on the big screen, but it would be another half century before the depiction of cinematic Black women as sexually promiscuous would become commonplace.
By the 1970s Black moviegoers had tired of cinematic portrayals of Blacks as Mammies, Toms, Tragic Mulattoes, and Picaninnies. In the 1970s Blacks willingly, though unwittingly, exchanged the old negative caricatures for new ones: Brutes, Bucks, and Jezebels. These new caricatures were popularized by the two hundred mostly B-grade films now labeled blaxploitation movies.
These movies supposedly depicted realistic Black experiences; however, many were produced and directed by Whites. Daniel J. Leab, the movie historian, noted, "Whites packaged, financed, and sold these films, and they received the bulk of the big money."24 The world depicted in blaxploitation movies included corrupt police and politicians, pimps, drug dealers, violent criminals, prostitutes, and whores. In the main, these movies were low-budget, formulaic interpretations of Black life by White producers, directors, and distributors. Black actors and actresses, many unable to find work in mainstream movies, found work in blaxploitation movies. Black patrons supported these movies because they showed Blacks fighting the "White establishment," resisting police corruption, acting assertively, and having sex lives.
The film which ushered in the blaxploitation period was Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (1971), written, directed, produced, and starred in by Melvin Van Peebles. The story centers on Sweet, an amoral and hedonistic hustler and pimp, who kills two White cops who were attacking a young Black radical. He spends the rest of the movie on the lam, running from racist cops and to pimps, gangsters, bikers, and whores. Sweet's "revolutionary consciousness" is heightened because of his first hand experience with police corruption, and by the movie's end he has become a heroic, almost mythical, Black revolutionary. The film ended with the message: "A BAADASSSSS NIGGER IS COMING BACK TO COLLECT SOME DUES."
Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song was originally rated X. After decades of asexual and desexualized Black Tom characters, Black audiences were ready for a sexually assertive Black male movie character. Sweet was reared in a brothel. In one flashback scene, a ten-year-old Sweet (played by Van Peeples' real life son, Mario) is graphically taught how to make love by an older prostitute. Sweetback is slang for "large penis" and "great lovemaking ability." Much of the movie centers on Sweet's lovemaking abilities, and this movie helped promote the "Black sex machine" characterization of Black men common in later movies. Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song also gave impetus to cinematic portrayals of Black women as Jezebel whores. According to Donald Bogle, a film historian:
With the glamorization of the ghetto, however, came also the elevation of the Pimp/outlaw/rebel as folk hero. Van Peeples played up this new sensibility, and his film was the first to glorify the pimp. It failed, however, to explain the social conditions that made the pimp such an important figure. At the same time, the movie debased the black woman, depicting her as little more than a whore.25
The commercial success of Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song inspired many imitators. A formula for these "Black action" movies emerged: a justifiably angry Black male seeks revenge on corrupt White police officers, politicians, or drug dealers. In the process of extracting revenge his political consciousness is raised and he has numerous sexual exploits. Although this formula was aided by Van Peeples, a Black man, it served as the template for the Whites who wrote, directed, and produced blaxploitation movies.
The movies that followed Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song increasingly limited Black actresses to Jezebel type roles. Lynn Hamilton, a Black actress, auditioned for the role of a "strong Angela Davis type." At the beginning of the audition she was asked if she would play nude scenes. She said of the role and character: "Here is this woman who holds all kinds of academic degrees and has a high position opening the door totally nude to admit her boyfriend, a policeman. The first thing he says is, 'Fix me some breakfast."26 She fries bacon, grease splattering, while her boyfriend fondles her breasts and buttocks.
Many Black women in these blaxploitation movies functioned as "sexual fodder," legitimizing the street credentials of the Black male superhero. Even when Black women were the central characters of the movies, they were still portrayed as sexually aggressive, often deviants. Black actresses such as Pam Grier and Tamara Dobson built their acting careers starring in blaxploitation movies. Their characters resembled those of the male superheroes: they were physically attractive and aggressive rebels, willing and able to gain revenge against corrupt officials, drug dealers, and violent criminals. According to Donald Bogle:
Like the old-style mammies, they ran not simply a household but a universe unto itself. Often they were out to clean up the ghetto of drug pushers, protecting the black hearth and home from corrupt infiltrators. Dobson and Grier represented Woman as Protector, Nurturer, Communal Mother Surrogate. Yet, these women also had the look and manner of old-style mulattoes. They were often perceived as being exotic sex objects (Grier's raw sexuality was always exploited) – yet with a twist. Although men manhandle them, Grier and Dobson also took liberties with men, at times using them as playful, comic toys.27
The portrayal of Black women as sexually lascivious became commonplace in American movies. Grier, for example, in Coffy (1973) and Foxy Brown (1974) goes undercover as a "whore" to get revenge on Whites who have victimized her loved ones. In The Big Bird Cage (1972), Carol Speed plays a spunky Black hooker inmate. The 1973 movie Black Hooker is a movie about a "White" boy whose mother is an uncaring Black whore. In the made-for-television movie, Dummy (1979), Irma Riley plays a Black prostitute. Lisa Bonet, one of the daughters on the Cosby show, plays a voodoo priestess in Angel Heart (1987). Her character, Epiphany Proudfoot, has a sexual episode with Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) that was so graphic that the movie almost received an X rating. In Harlem Nights (1989), Sunshine (played by Lela Rochon) is a prostitute so skilled that a White lover calls his wife on the telephone to tell her that he is never returning home.
The obligatory "Black whore" is added to urban-themed movies, apparently to give "real life" authenticity. In the classic movie Taxi Driver (1976), a Black hooker (Copper Cunningham) has sex with a White businessman in the backseat of the taxi driven by Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro). The sex act is offered as evidence of the moral decline and decadence of America. Bickle washes his taxi after the sex act. Hazelle Goodman plays Cookie, a hooker in Woody Allen's Deconstructing Harry (1997). When Cookie is asked if she knows what a black hole is, she replies, "what I make my living with." In the credits listed for In Dangerous Ground (1997), Temsie Times is listed as "Black Hooker." Cathy Tyson, the niece of actress Cicely Tyson, got her first major role as a sophisticated call girl in Mona Lisa (2001). The racial and sexual stereotypes depicted in these and similar movies find their fuller, clearer expression in low-budget pornographic movies.
The pornography industry remains a bastion of explicit anti-Black stereotyping – raw, obscene, and increasing mainstreamed. Many of the heterosexual themed movies in the American pornographic market have White actresses; however, there are hundreds of pornographic movies that also depict Black women as "sexual things" – and as "sexual animals." Internet "stores" sell videos with titles like Black Chicks in Heat, Black Bitches, Hoochie Mamas, Video Sto' Ho, Black and Nasty, South Central Hookers, and Git Yo' Ass On Da Bus! In the privacy of their homes or hotel rooms, Americans can watch Black actresses – Purple Passion, Jamaica, Toy, Chocolate Tye, Juicy, Jazz, Spontaneeus Xtasy, and others – "validate" the belief that Black women are whores. Most of the Black actresses in mainstream movies who play Jezebel roles – especially those with interracial sex scenes – are light skinned or brown skinned women; however, most of the Black women in pornographic movies are brown skinned and dark skinned women.
Halle Berry won an academy award for the role of Leticia Musgrove in Monster's Ball (2001), a complex and haunting drama. Leticia had a sexual relationship with Hank Grotowski (Billy Bob Thornton), a racist jailer who supervised the execution of her husband. The link between Leticia's Black husband's execution and her White lover was not revealed to her until the movie's end, by then she and Hank were bonded together – self-loathers, angry, defeated, drunk, grieving the loss of relatives, trying frantically to find redemption, and failing that, someone to share the emotional pain. Their initial sexual encounter followed a drunken lamentation of their failures as parents. She lost her husband, and then her son was killed. His son committed suicide, in his presence. Writhing in emotional pain, she begged, "Make me feel better." There followed one of the rawest, most intense sexual scenes in American cinematic history. Later, he gave her a truck. He named his new business venture, a service station, Leticia. He readied a room in his home, moved his racist father to a convalescent home, and after Leticia was evicted from her home he moved her into his house.
The relationship between Hank and Leticia was an updated version of the placage arrangements common in the 1800s. The first night after she moved into his home they lie in bed. He said, "I'm gonna take care of you." Leticia replied, "Good, 'cause I really need to be taken care of." In a tender moment, he went to a store to get ice cream. While he was gone she found evidence that he was involved in her husband's execution. She cried, wailed, gripped with gut-wrenching pain. He returned. She had a dazed look. He told her, "You look real pretty. Let's go out on the steps, if you want to." She followed him. Outside, she accepted a spoon, stared at his son's tombstone, and then accepted ice cream from his spoon. His last words were, "I think we gonna be alright." Angela Bassett, nominated for an academy award in 1993 (Tina Turner in What's Love Got To Do With It), rejected the role of Leticia. In an interview with Newsweek, she said: "It's about character, darling. I wasn't going to be a prostitute on film. I couldn't do that because it's such a stereotype about black women and sexuality."28 Bassett's assessment was harsh and probably overstated. Leticia was portrayed as a "loose woman:" drinking from a bottle, slouched, legs open, later initiating sex with a man she barely knew. She ended the movie as a "kept woman," not a prostitute – her status is a function of the harsh realities of being a poor, Black woman in a society that devalues the poor, the Black, and women. Bassett insisted that she was not criticizing Berry so much as she was criticizing the Hollywood system for continuing to typecast black women in demeaning roles. This was a reasonable criticism. Only a handful of Black actresses and actors have won academy awards, and most won because they brought depth and complexity to otherwise one-dimensional stereotypical roles: Hattie McDaniel played a Mammy in Gone With the Wind (1939); Sidney Poitier played a Tom, albeit a dignified one, in Lilies of the Field (1964), and Denzell Washington was a rogue cop, a variant of the Brute in Training Day (2000).
Conclusion
The Jezebel has replaced the Mammy as the dominant image of Black women in American popular culture. The Black woman as prostitute, for example, is a staple in mainstream movies, especially those with urban settings. The Black prostitute and the Black pimp supposedly give these movies cutting edge realism. Small budget pornographic movies reinforce vile sexual stereotypes of Black women. These women are willing, sometimes predatory, sexual deviants who will fulfill any and all sexual fantasies. Their sexual performances tap into centuries-old images of Black women as uninhibited whores. Televised music videos, especially those by gangsta rap performers, portray scantily clad, nubile Black women who thrust their hips to lyrics which often depict them as ‘hos, skeezers, and bitches. A half century after the American civil rights movement, it is increasingly easy to find Black women, especially young ones, depicted as Jezebels whose only value is as sexual commodities.
_____________________
Jezebel Stereotypes
The portrayal of Black women as lascivious by nature is an enduring stereotype. The descriptive words associated with this stereotype are singular in their focus: seductive, alluring, worldly, beguiling, tempting, and lewd. Historically, White women, as a category, were portrayed as models of self-respect, self-control, and modesty – even sexual purity, but Black women were often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory. This depiction of Black women is signified by the name Jezebel.2
K. Sue Jewell, a contemporary sociologist, conceptualized the Jezebel as a tragic mulatto – "thin lips, long straight hair, slender nose, thin figure and fair complexion."3 This conceptualization is too narrow. It is true that the "tragic mulatto" and "Jezebel" share the reputation of being sexually seductive, and both are antithetical to the desexualized "Mammy" caricature; nevertheless, it is a mistake to assume that only, or even mainly, fair-complexioned Black women were sexually objectified by the larger American society. From the early 1630s to the present, Black American women of all shades have been portrayed as hypersexual "bad-black-girls."4
Jewell's conceptualization is based on a kernel of historical truth. Many of the slavery-era Blacks sold into prostitution were mulattoes. Also, freeborn light-skinned Black women sometimes became the willing concubines of wealthy White southerners. This system, called placage, involved a formal arrangement for the White suitor/customer to financially support the Black woman and her children in exchange for her long-term sexual services. The White men often met the Black women at "Quadroon Balls," a genteel sex market.
The belief that Blacks are sexually lewd predates the institution of slavery in America. European travelers to Africa found scantily clad natives. This semi nudity was misinterpreted as lewdness. White Europeans, locked into the racial ethnocentrism of the 17th century, saw African polygamy and tribal dances as proof of the African's uncontrolled sexual lust. Europeans were fascinated by African sexuality. William Bosman described the Black women on the coast of Guinea as "fiery" and "warm" and "so much hotter than the men."5 William Smith described African women as "hot constitution'd Ladies" who "are continually contriving stratagems how to gain a lover."6 The genesis of anti-Black sexual arch types emerged from the writings of these and other Europeans: the Black male as brute and potential rapist; the Black woman, as Jezebel whore.
The English colonists accepted the Elizabethan image of "the lusty Moor," and used this and similar stereotypes to justify enslaving Blacks. In part, this was accomplished by arguing that Blacks were subhumans: intellectually inferior, culturally stunted, morally underdeveloped, and animal-like sexually. Whites used racist and sexist ideologies to argue that they alone were civilized and rational, whereas Blacks, and other people of color, were barbaric and deserved to be subjugated.7
The Jezebel stereotype was used during slavery as a rationalization for sexual relations between White men and Black women, especially sexual unions involving slavers and slaves. The Jezebel was depicted as a Black woman with an insatiable appetite for sex. She was not satisfied with Black men. The slavery-era Jezebel, it was claimed, desired sexual relations with White men; therefore, White men did not have to rape Black women. James Redpath, an abolitionist no less, wrote that slave women were "gratified by the criminal advances of Saxons."8 This view is contradicted by Frederick Douglass, the abolitionist and former slave, who claimed that the "slave woman is at the mercy of the fathers, sons or brothers of her master."9 Douglass's account is consistent with the accounts of other former slaves. Henry Bibb's master forced a young slave to be his son's concubine; later, Bibb and his wife were sold to a Kentucky trader who forced Bibb's wife into prostitution.10
Slave women were property; therefore, legally they could not be raped. Often slavers would offer gifts or promises of reduced labor if the slave women would consent to sexual relations, and there were instances where the slaver and slave shared sexual attraction; however, "the rape of a female slave was probably the most common form of interracial sex."11 A slave woman explained, "When he make me follow him into de bush, what use me to tell him no? He have strength to make me."12 At the same time, Black men convicted of raping White women were usually castrated, hanged, or both.13
People make decisions based on the options they have and the options that they perceive. The objective realities of slavery and the slaves' subjective interpretations of the institution both led female slaves to engage "voluntarily" in sexual unions with Whites, especially slavers, their sons, and their overseers. A slave who refused the sexual advances of her slaver risked being sold, beaten, raped, and having her "husband" or children sold. Many slave women conceded to sexual relations with Whites, thereby reinforcing the belief that Black women were lustful and available.
The idea that Black women were naturally and inevitably sexually promiscuous was reinforced by several features of the slavery institution. Slaves, whether on the auction block or offered privately for sale, were often stripped naked and physically examined. In theory, this was done to insure that they were healthy, able to reproduce, and, equally important, to look for whipping scars – the presence of which implied that the slave was rebellious. In practice, the stripping and touching of slaves had a sexually exploitative,14 sometimes sadistic function. Nakedness, especially among women in the 18th and 19th centuries, implied lack of civility, morality, and sexual restraint even when the nakedness was forced. Slaves, of both sexes and all ages, often wore few clothes or clothes so ragged that their legs, thighs, and chests were exposed. Conversely, Whites, especially women, wore clothing over most of their bodies. The contrast between the clothing reinforced the beliefs that White women were civilized, modest, and sexually pure, whereas Black women were uncivilized, immodest, and sexually aberrant.
Black slave women were also frequently pregnant. The institution of slavery depended on Black women to supply future slaves. By every method imaginable, slave women were "encouraged" to reproduce. Some slavers, for example, offered a new pig for each child born to a slave family, a new dress to the slave woman for each surviving infant, or no work on Saturdays to Black women who produced six children.15 Young Black girls were encouraged to have sex as "anticipatory socialization" for their later status as "breeders." When they did reproduce, their fecundity was seen, as proof of their insatiable sexual appetites. Deborah Gray White, a contemporary historian, wrote:
Major periodicals carried articles detailing optimal conditions under which bonded women were known to reproduce, and the merits of a particular "breeder" were often the topic of parlor or dinner table conversations. The fact that something so personal and private became a matter of public discussion prompted one ex-slave to declare that "women wasn't nothing but cattle." Once reproduction became a topic of public conversation, so did the slave woman's sexual activities.16
The Jezebel stereotype is contradicted by several historical facts. Although Black women, especially those with brown or tan skin and "European features," were sometimes forced into prostitution for White men, "slaves had no prostitution and very little venereal disease within their communities."17 Slaves rarely chose spouses from among their blood relatives. Slavers often encouraged, and sometimes mandated, sexual promiscuity among their slaves; nevertheless, most slaves sought long-term, monogamous relationships. Slaves "married" when allowed, and adultery was frowned upon in most Black "communities." During Reconstruction "slaves eagerly legitimated their unions, holding mass-marriage ceremonies and individual weddings."18
Unfortunately for Black women, Emancipation and Reconstruction did not stop their sexual victimization. From the end of the Civil War to the mid-1960s, no Southern White male was convicted of raping or attempting to rape a Black woman; yet, the crime was common.19 Black women, especially in the South or border states, had little legal recourse when raped by White men, and many Black women were reluctant to report their sexual victimization by Black men for fear that the Black men would be lynched.20
Jezebel in the 20th Century
The portrayal of Black women as Jezebel whores began in slavery, extended through the Jim Crow period, and continues today. Although the Mammy caricature was the dominant popular cultural image of Black women from slavery to the 1950s, the depiction of Black women as Jezebels was common in American material culture. Everyday items – such as ashtrays, postcards, sheet music, fishing lures, drinking glasses, and so forth – depicted naked or scantily dressed Black women, lacking modesty and sexual restraint. For example, a metal nutcracker (circa 1930s) depicts a topless Black woman. The nut is placed under her skirt, in her crotch, and crushed.21 Items like this one reflected and shaped White attitudes toward Black female sexuality. An analysis of the Jezebel images in the Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorabilia reveals several patterns.
Many of the Jezebel objects caricature and mock African women. For example, in the 1950s "ZULU LULU" was a popular set of swizzle sticks used for stirring drinks. There were several versions of this product but all show silhouettes of naked African women of various ages. One version read: "Nifty at 15, spiffy at 20, sizzling at 25, perky at 30, declining at 35, droopy at 40." There were versions that included depictions of African women at fifty and sixty years of age. ZULU LULU was billed as a party gag as illustrated by this advertisement on the product:
Don't pity Lulu – you're not getting younger yourself…laugh with your guests when they find these hilarious swizzle sticks in their drinks. ZULU-LULU will be the most popular girl at your party.
The Jezebel images which defame African women may be viewed in two broad categories: pathetic others and exotic others. Pathetic others include those depictions of African women as physically unattractive, unintelligent, and uncivilized. These images suggest that African women in particular and Black women in general possess aberrant physical, social, and cultural traits. The African woman's features are distorted – her lips are exaggerated, her breasts sag, she is often inebriated. The pathetic other, like the Mammy caricature before her, is drawn to refute the claim that White men find Black women sexually appealing. Yet, this depiction of the African woman has an obvious sexual component: she is often placed in a sexual setting, naked or near naked, inebriated or holding a drink, her eyes suggesting a sexual longing. She is a sexual being, but not one that White men would consider.
An example of the pathetic other is a banner (circa 1930s) showing a drunken African woman with the caption, "Martini Anyone?"22 The message is clear: this pathetic other is too ugly, too stupid, and too different to elicit sexual attraction from reasonable men; instead, she is a source of pity, laughter, and derision.
The material objects which depict African and Black women as exotic others do not portray them as physically unattractive, although they are sometimes portrayed as being socially and culturally deficient. During the first half of the twentieth century images of topless or completely nude African women were often placed in magazines and on souvenir items, planters, drinking glasses, figurines, ashtrays, and novelty items.
It must be emphasized that the items that depict African and African American women as one-dimensional sexual beings are often everyday items – found in the homes, garages, automobiles, and offices of "mainstream" Americans. These items are functional – in addition to promoting anti-Black stereotypes, they also have practical utility. For example, a topless bust of a Black woman with a fishing hook attached functions as an object of racial stereotyping and as a fishing lure. One such object was the "Virgin Fishing Lucky Lure (circa 1950s)." It has become a highly sought after collectible nationwide.
An analysis of Jezebel images also reveals that Black female children are sexually objectified. Black girls, with the faces of pre-teenagers, are drawn with adult sized buttocks, which are exposed. They are naked, scantily clad, or hiding seductively behind towels, blankets, trees, or other objects. A 1949 postcard shows a naked Black girl hiding her genitals with a paper fan. Although she has the appearance of a small child she has noticeable breasts. The accompanying caption reads: "Honey, I'se Waitin' Fo' You Down South."23 The sexual innuendo is obvious.
Another postcard (circa 1950s) shows a Black girl, approximately eight years old, standing in a watermelon patch. She has a protruding stomach. The caption reads: "Oh-I is Not!...It Must Be Sumthin' I Et!!" Her exposed right shoulder and the churlish grin suggest that the protruding stomach resulted from a sexual experience, not overeating. The portrayal of this prepubescent girl as pregnant suggests that Black females are sexually active and sexually irresponsible even as small children.
The belief that Black women are sexually promiscuous is propagated by innumerable images of pregnant Black women and Black women with large numbers of children. A 1947 greeting card depicting a Black Mammy bears the caption: "Ah keeps right on sendin' em!" Inside is a young Black woman with eight small children. The inside caption reads: "As long as you keeps on havin' em."
In the 1964 presidential election between Lyndon Johnson and Barry Goldwater, Johnson used the political slogan, "All the way with LBJ." A mid-1960s license plate shows a caricatured Black woman, pregnant, with these words, "Ah went all de way wib LBJ." Johnson received overwhelming support from Black voters. The image on the license plate, which also appeared on posters and smaller prints, insults Blacks generally, Black Democrats, and Black women.
Black Jezebels in American Cinema
In the 1915 movie The Birth of a Nation, Lydia Brown is a mulatto character. She is the mistress of the White character Senator Stoneman. Lydia is savage, corrupt, and lascivious. She is portrayed as overtly sexual, and she uses her "feminine wiles" to deceive the formerly good White man. Lydia's characterization was rare in early American cinema. There was a splattering of Black "loose women" and "fallen women" on the big screen, but it would be another half century before the depiction of cinematic Black women as sexually promiscuous would become commonplace.
By the 1970s Black moviegoers had tired of cinematic portrayals of Blacks as Mammies, Toms, Tragic Mulattoes, and Picaninnies. In the 1970s Blacks willingly, though unwittingly, exchanged the old negative caricatures for new ones: Brutes, Bucks, and Jezebels. These new caricatures were popularized by the two hundred mostly B-grade films now labeled blaxploitation movies.
These movies supposedly depicted realistic Black experiences; however, many were produced and directed by Whites. Daniel J. Leab, the movie historian, noted, "Whites packaged, financed, and sold these films, and they received the bulk of the big money."24 The world depicted in blaxploitation movies included corrupt police and politicians, pimps, drug dealers, violent criminals, prostitutes, and whores. In the main, these movies were low-budget, formulaic interpretations of Black life by White producers, directors, and distributors. Black actors and actresses, many unable to find work in mainstream movies, found work in blaxploitation movies. Black patrons supported these movies because they showed Blacks fighting the "White establishment," resisting police corruption, acting assertively, and having sex lives.
The film which ushered in the blaxploitation period was Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song (1971), written, directed, produced, and starred in by Melvin Van Peebles. The story centers on Sweet, an amoral and hedonistic hustler and pimp, who kills two White cops who were attacking a young Black radical. He spends the rest of the movie on the lam, running from racist cops and to pimps, gangsters, bikers, and whores. Sweet's "revolutionary consciousness" is heightened because of his first hand experience with police corruption, and by the movie's end he has become a heroic, almost mythical, Black revolutionary. The film ended with the message: "A BAADASSSSS NIGGER IS COMING BACK TO COLLECT SOME DUES."
Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song was originally rated X. After decades of asexual and desexualized Black Tom characters, Black audiences were ready for a sexually assertive Black male movie character. Sweet was reared in a brothel. In one flashback scene, a ten-year-old Sweet (played by Van Peeples' real life son, Mario) is graphically taught how to make love by an older prostitute. Sweetback is slang for "large penis" and "great lovemaking ability." Much of the movie centers on Sweet's lovemaking abilities, and this movie helped promote the "Black sex machine" characterization of Black men common in later movies. Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song also gave impetus to cinematic portrayals of Black women as Jezebel whores. According to Donald Bogle, a film historian:
With the glamorization of the ghetto, however, came also the elevation of the Pimp/outlaw/rebel as folk hero. Van Peeples played up this new sensibility, and his film was the first to glorify the pimp. It failed, however, to explain the social conditions that made the pimp such an important figure. At the same time, the movie debased the black woman, depicting her as little more than a whore.25
The commercial success of Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song inspired many imitators. A formula for these "Black action" movies emerged: a justifiably angry Black male seeks revenge on corrupt White police officers, politicians, or drug dealers. In the process of extracting revenge his political consciousness is raised and he has numerous sexual exploits. Although this formula was aided by Van Peeples, a Black man, it served as the template for the Whites who wrote, directed, and produced blaxploitation movies.
The movies that followed Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song increasingly limited Black actresses to Jezebel type roles. Lynn Hamilton, a Black actress, auditioned for the role of a "strong Angela Davis type." At the beginning of the audition she was asked if she would play nude scenes. She said of the role and character: "Here is this woman who holds all kinds of academic degrees and has a high position opening the door totally nude to admit her boyfriend, a policeman. The first thing he says is, 'Fix me some breakfast."26 She fries bacon, grease splattering, while her boyfriend fondles her breasts and buttocks.
Many Black women in these blaxploitation movies functioned as "sexual fodder," legitimizing the street credentials of the Black male superhero. Even when Black women were the central characters of the movies, they were still portrayed as sexually aggressive, often deviants. Black actresses such as Pam Grier and Tamara Dobson built their acting careers starring in blaxploitation movies. Their characters resembled those of the male superheroes: they were physically attractive and aggressive rebels, willing and able to gain revenge against corrupt officials, drug dealers, and violent criminals. According to Donald Bogle:
Like the old-style mammies, they ran not simply a household but a universe unto itself. Often they were out to clean up the ghetto of drug pushers, protecting the black hearth and home from corrupt infiltrators. Dobson and Grier represented Woman as Protector, Nurturer, Communal Mother Surrogate. Yet, these women also had the look and manner of old-style mulattoes. They were often perceived as being exotic sex objects (Grier's raw sexuality was always exploited) – yet with a twist. Although men manhandle them, Grier and Dobson also took liberties with men, at times using them as playful, comic toys.27
The portrayal of Black women as sexually lascivious became commonplace in American movies. Grier, for example, in Coffy (1973) and Foxy Brown (1974) goes undercover as a "whore" to get revenge on Whites who have victimized her loved ones. In The Big Bird Cage (1972), Carol Speed plays a spunky Black hooker inmate. The 1973 movie Black Hooker is a movie about a "White" boy whose mother is an uncaring Black whore. In the made-for-television movie, Dummy (1979), Irma Riley plays a Black prostitute. Lisa Bonet, one of the daughters on the Cosby show, plays a voodoo priestess in Angel Heart (1987). Her character, Epiphany Proudfoot, has a sexual episode with Harry Angel (Mickey Rourke) that was so graphic that the movie almost received an X rating. In Harlem Nights (1989), Sunshine (played by Lela Rochon) is a prostitute so skilled that a White lover calls his wife on the telephone to tell her that he is never returning home.
The obligatory "Black whore" is added to urban-themed movies, apparently to give "real life" authenticity. In the classic movie Taxi Driver (1976), a Black hooker (Copper Cunningham) has sex with a White businessman in the backseat of the taxi driven by Travis Bickle (Robert De Niro). The sex act is offered as evidence of the moral decline and decadence of America. Bickle washes his taxi after the sex act. Hazelle Goodman plays Cookie, a hooker in Woody Allen's Deconstructing Harry (1997). When Cookie is asked if she knows what a black hole is, she replies, "what I make my living with." In the credits listed for In Dangerous Ground (1997), Temsie Times is listed as "Black Hooker." Cathy Tyson, the niece of actress Cicely Tyson, got her first major role as a sophisticated call girl in Mona Lisa (2001). The racial and sexual stereotypes depicted in these and similar movies find their fuller, clearer expression in low-budget pornographic movies.
The pornography industry remains a bastion of explicit anti-Black stereotyping – raw, obscene, and increasing mainstreamed. Many of the heterosexual themed movies in the American pornographic market have White actresses; however, there are hundreds of pornographic movies that also depict Black women as "sexual things" – and as "sexual animals." Internet "stores" sell videos with titles like Black Chicks in Heat, Black Bitches, Hoochie Mamas, Video Sto' Ho, Black and Nasty, South Central Hookers, and Git Yo' Ass On Da Bus! In the privacy of their homes or hotel rooms, Americans can watch Black actresses – Purple Passion, Jamaica, Toy, Chocolate Tye, Juicy, Jazz, Spontaneeus Xtasy, and others – "validate" the belief that Black women are whores. Most of the Black actresses in mainstream movies who play Jezebel roles – especially those with interracial sex scenes – are light skinned or brown skinned women; however, most of the Black women in pornographic movies are brown skinned and dark skinned women.
Halle Berry won an academy award for the role of Leticia Musgrove in Monster's Ball (2001), a complex and haunting drama. Leticia had a sexual relationship with Hank Grotowski (Billy Bob Thornton), a racist jailer who supervised the execution of her husband. The link between Leticia's Black husband's execution and her White lover was not revealed to her until the movie's end, by then she and Hank were bonded together – self-loathers, angry, defeated, drunk, grieving the loss of relatives, trying frantically to find redemption, and failing that, someone to share the emotional pain. Their initial sexual encounter followed a drunken lamentation of their failures as parents. She lost her husband, and then her son was killed. His son committed suicide, in his presence. Writhing in emotional pain, she begged, "Make me feel better." There followed one of the rawest, most intense sexual scenes in American cinematic history. Later, he gave her a truck. He named his new business venture, a service station, Leticia. He readied a room in his home, moved his racist father to a convalescent home, and after Leticia was evicted from her home he moved her into his house.
The relationship between Hank and Leticia was an updated version of the placage arrangements common in the 1800s. The first night after she moved into his home they lie in bed. He said, "I'm gonna take care of you." Leticia replied, "Good, 'cause I really need to be taken care of." In a tender moment, he went to a store to get ice cream. While he was gone she found evidence that he was involved in her husband's execution. She cried, wailed, gripped with gut-wrenching pain. He returned. She had a dazed look. He told her, "You look real pretty. Let's go out on the steps, if you want to." She followed him. Outside, she accepted a spoon, stared at his son's tombstone, and then accepted ice cream from his spoon. His last words were, "I think we gonna be alright." Angela Bassett, nominated for an academy award in 1993 (Tina Turner in What's Love Got To Do With It), rejected the role of Leticia. In an interview with Newsweek, she said: "It's about character, darling. I wasn't going to be a prostitute on film. I couldn't do that because it's such a stereotype about black women and sexuality."28 Bassett's assessment was harsh and probably overstated. Leticia was portrayed as a "loose woman:" drinking from a bottle, slouched, legs open, later initiating sex with a man she barely knew. She ended the movie as a "kept woman," not a prostitute – her status is a function of the harsh realities of being a poor, Black woman in a society that devalues the poor, the Black, and women. Bassett insisted that she was not criticizing Berry so much as she was criticizing the Hollywood system for continuing to typecast black women in demeaning roles. This was a reasonable criticism. Only a handful of Black actresses and actors have won academy awards, and most won because they brought depth and complexity to otherwise one-dimensional stereotypical roles: Hattie McDaniel played a Mammy in Gone With the Wind (1939); Sidney Poitier played a Tom, albeit a dignified one, in Lilies of the Field (1964), and Denzell Washington was a rogue cop, a variant of the Brute in Training Day (2000).
Conclusion
The Jezebel has replaced the Mammy as the dominant image of Black women in American popular culture. The Black woman as prostitute, for example, is a staple in mainstream movies, especially those with urban settings. The Black prostitute and the Black pimp supposedly give these movies cutting edge realism. Small budget pornographic movies reinforce vile sexual stereotypes of Black women. These women are willing, sometimes predatory, sexual deviants who will fulfill any and all sexual fantasies. Their sexual performances tap into centuries-old images of Black women as uninhibited whores. Televised music videos, especially those by gangsta rap performers, portray scantily clad, nubile Black women who thrust their hips to lyrics which often depict them as ‘hos, skeezers, and bitches. A half century after the American civil rights movement, it is increasingly easy to find Black women, especially young ones, depicted as Jezebels whose only value is as sexual commodities.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE NOT THAT SPECIAL....
Many people want to find that special person that will stand up above all the rest and be the one who we will be down with forever. We search like De Beers looking for that “diamond” of a person. We sift through the coal mines of life until we find the one we can hold up in the air and rejoice that we finally found. But, have you ever thought as much as you are searching for this special person. What really makes you special? This weeks guest blog from Daunte Henderson( @dauntewrites) of My Name is Daunte will discuss this notion. Daunte also has a dope introspective book out called Things I I Learned While Walking but let’s just let you get into the world of Daunte Henderson.
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My last relationship made me realize the importance of identifying my likes/dislikes early on in a relationship. I spent three years in a relationship with that little birdie on my shoulder saying “Ay dawg, she’s not right for you fam”. When you are young and dumb and seeking love this happens. It was an honest mistake that taught me a lot about relationships and myself. At times I feel like I’m on the “Flavor of Love”, cutting women who don’t fit the mold. I don’t have a checklist but I do believe in identifying what you want and what you can accept. No man or woman is perfect. When you date someone you will quickly (hopefully) realize that they aren’t the same person you met that one day. You have to ask yourself, “Can I live with this person’s imperfections?” And I don’t mean imperfections in the sense of it being a bad thing. Your imperfections perfectly make you who you are so EMBRACE them. The harsh reality is that everyone doesn’t like them and isn’t meant to live with them.
I’ll start off by saying that I would LOVE to have a significant other with the intention of it developing into something serious (i.e. wife) I’m 27 and the girlfriend title at this age isn’t what I aspire to have. I enjoy my singleness to the fullest. I believe God gave me this time to develop in him and to live out my goals. I’m taking this time to develop “me”, so that when I meet “Mrs. Henderson” I can develop “we”. Most respectable men at this age more than likely want the same thing or something similar. The gift and curse of being a respectable man is that it allows us to have options and women to-be-options. It’s sad but its reality.
I have come up with the following observations
•There are more women than men. That’s a fact. However, there are not enough RESPECTABLE men to go around for these women. Respectable for the purposes of this article would be defined as “he can meet my mother…. fuck that…he can meet my whole family”. There are a shitload of bum-ass-dudes , but women don’t want them as husbands. Bum-ass-dudes most of the time stay as cutty buddies or the nigga that buys drinks.
“There must be more good women than men percentage wise. So her chance of having a husband just minimized. That’s why a lot of girls claim they ain’t into guys. And mess with other girls part-time to improvise”-Kanye West
• Respectable people (men and women) have options. We don’t have to settle for the bums. We can get what we want. It’s not that we have a checklist and are saying to every soul “Oh no, you have a mole. … NEXXXTT”. We are merely exercising the blessing of “I’ve seen your kind before and I’m good on you”. Why put up with a Value Meal when you can eat Five-Star?
•Men have the advantage in dating. Ask any woman and she will tell you that there aren’t a surplus of good men. There are a TON of GREAT women. There are a very few GREAT men. And those GREAT men know this. That’s why wer are quick to tell you “I’m really trying to focus on (insert the words: me, my career, goals etc) and this relationship is hindering that” Besides as Biggie would say “all these girls I got to like one”. We used to chase after women but now women are actually chasing after us. Advantage:Men
What does this information mean to you as a man or woman?
Men:
Don’t feel bad when you have to tell a female that she’s not what you want. It may seem as if you have cut her shorter than a midget, but what you’ve actually done is saved her from heartbreak. Don’t continue to talk to a woman when you know that (fill in the blank with an unattractive/contrasting value) doesn’t mesh with who you are and what you want. It’s asinine to be in a relationship with somebody at this age if you don’t feel they’re worthy of being your wife. I’m definitely not saying that you can’t “have fun” and enjoy dating. But to be honest that fun isn’t the same fun anymore. Women have this thing called the biological clock. For some women it starts in their mid-20’s and for others it starts later. Women in their mid-20’s who don’t have a husband or serious relationship are prime suspects in this case of the “biological clock”. Women are primed for pregnancy, marriage and all that other stuff that scares the hell out of men at this age. They are logging on Facebook and seeing all of their sub-par looking friends with happy marriages and inside they are feeling like “oookkkkk, where is my man?????” Women at this age are classic for telling you that they don’t want anything serious. Brothers that’s false. As soon as she realizes that you are a respectable man and you like her…She’s INSTANTLY on your team. If you throw in things like great sexual chemistry, you have a lot of money or a super nice crib the chances of them being “TEAM (insert your name)” is higher.
Don’t let her clock dictate what you want. It’s so easy to cave into her wants because we want to please them, but we have to be very cautious. Caving and compromising are two different things. Caving is when you make a hasty and rash decision for fear of losing the relationship. Compromising is realizing the value of that relationship and making allowances for both parties wants and needs. Brothers, you have to assess the value of your relationship. There are too many brothers that caved and now have babymamas that they hate. I don’t want that to be you. If you have found a person that you feel is right for you, STAY WITH HER. But if you are always second-guessing and fighting inside about your feelings, LEAVE…QUICKLY.
Women:
This is going to sound really mean, but it’s a reality that can allow you to get closer to your dream guy. Ladies, you aren’t as special as you think you are. I compare you to every QUALIFIED job seeker in America. To a normal employer in this day and age, you aren’t that special. EVERYBODY has a college degree but why are you special? Translating this same principle back to dating. Why are you special to this man? I completely get it ladies and despite what you feel about my previous statement, I’m on your side. I completely get it, you cook, clean, have a job, no kids, not too crazy and you’re the business in bed. But guess what?? Some other chick(s) does the same thing that you do. Which makes you not that special. You think you are one but you are one of many in that man’s mind. For dudes it’s the same way. I realize that to some women I’m the world and to others I’m just a neighborhood. It doesn’t make me less than, it just makes me acutely aware of who I am in every situation.
A man can spend a million hours with you and do all the aforementioned things with you but you will still be relegated to bench-status if he doesn’t feel you are special. It’s not that he thinks you are wack. But in his mind if he’s going to drop everything in the world for you, you better be “special”. Don’t fret because there is some dude out there that thinks you are special and you will feel the same way about him. One way women give up their specialness is through sex. You give up so much power and mystique when you give up the drawz . It’s a reality. Think about how much you open up to a man once he has smashed. You instantly start going into your Pandora’s box when he sticks the tip in. STOP IT!!! Save yourself the heartache and time.
At this age men aren’t necessarily scared of commitment (some of us are), we just don’t want to wife the wrong person. That’s my biggest fear, wifing the wrong one and having to get divorced because I didn’t listen to my heart. Your heart is a tricky thing at times. If it’s not filled with the right things it can lead you astray. Ladies continue to seek God and let him order your love life. Fellas do the same thing. I’ve found that the people who have the most fulfilling relationships are the ones who have not only sought God but they found what they love and who they love came along. The purpose of singleness is not for you to lose hella weight so that Prince Charming can come along and swoop your skinny ass up. NO, the mission is for you to find your purpose in God’s vision. I can’t imagine you following that advice and going wrong.
____________________________________________________________________________
My last relationship made me realize the importance of identifying my likes/dislikes early on in a relationship. I spent three years in a relationship with that little birdie on my shoulder saying “Ay dawg, she’s not right for you fam”. When you are young and dumb and seeking love this happens. It was an honest mistake that taught me a lot about relationships and myself. At times I feel like I’m on the “Flavor of Love”, cutting women who don’t fit the mold. I don’t have a checklist but I do believe in identifying what you want and what you can accept. No man or woman is perfect. When you date someone you will quickly (hopefully) realize that they aren’t the same person you met that one day. You have to ask yourself, “Can I live with this person’s imperfections?” And I don’t mean imperfections in the sense of it being a bad thing. Your imperfections perfectly make you who you are so EMBRACE them. The harsh reality is that everyone doesn’t like them and isn’t meant to live with them.
I’ll start off by saying that I would LOVE to have a significant other with the intention of it developing into something serious (i.e. wife) I’m 27 and the girlfriend title at this age isn’t what I aspire to have. I enjoy my singleness to the fullest. I believe God gave me this time to develop in him and to live out my goals. I’m taking this time to develop “me”, so that when I meet “Mrs. Henderson” I can develop “we”. Most respectable men at this age more than likely want the same thing or something similar. The gift and curse of being a respectable man is that it allows us to have options and women to-be-options. It’s sad but its reality.
I have come up with the following observations
•There are more women than men. That’s a fact. However, there are not enough RESPECTABLE men to go around for these women. Respectable for the purposes of this article would be defined as “he can meet my mother…. fuck that…he can meet my whole family”. There are a shitload of bum-ass-dudes , but women don’t want them as husbands. Bum-ass-dudes most of the time stay as cutty buddies or the nigga that buys drinks.
“There must be more good women than men percentage wise. So her chance of having a husband just minimized. That’s why a lot of girls claim they ain’t into guys. And mess with other girls part-time to improvise”-Kanye West
• Respectable people (men and women) have options. We don’t have to settle for the bums. We can get what we want. It’s not that we have a checklist and are saying to every soul “Oh no, you have a mole. … NEXXXTT”. We are merely exercising the blessing of “I’ve seen your kind before and I’m good on you”. Why put up with a Value Meal when you can eat Five-Star?
•Men have the advantage in dating. Ask any woman and she will tell you that there aren’t a surplus of good men. There are a TON of GREAT women. There are a very few GREAT men. And those GREAT men know this. That’s why wer are quick to tell you “I’m really trying to focus on (insert the words: me, my career, goals etc) and this relationship is hindering that” Besides as Biggie would say “all these girls I got to like one”. We used to chase after women but now women are actually chasing after us. Advantage:Men
What does this information mean to you as a man or woman?
Men:
Don’t feel bad when you have to tell a female that she’s not what you want. It may seem as if you have cut her shorter than a midget, but what you’ve actually done is saved her from heartbreak. Don’t continue to talk to a woman when you know that (fill in the blank with an unattractive/contrasting value) doesn’t mesh with who you are and what you want. It’s asinine to be in a relationship with somebody at this age if you don’t feel they’re worthy of being your wife. I’m definitely not saying that you can’t “have fun” and enjoy dating. But to be honest that fun isn’t the same fun anymore. Women have this thing called the biological clock. For some women it starts in their mid-20’s and for others it starts later. Women in their mid-20’s who don’t have a husband or serious relationship are prime suspects in this case of the “biological clock”. Women are primed for pregnancy, marriage and all that other stuff that scares the hell out of men at this age. They are logging on Facebook and seeing all of their sub-par looking friends with happy marriages and inside they are feeling like “oookkkkk, where is my man?????” Women at this age are classic for telling you that they don’t want anything serious. Brothers that’s false. As soon as she realizes that you are a respectable man and you like her…She’s INSTANTLY on your team. If you throw in things like great sexual chemistry, you have a lot of money or a super nice crib the chances of them being “TEAM (insert your name)” is higher.
Don’t let her clock dictate what you want. It’s so easy to cave into her wants because we want to please them, but we have to be very cautious. Caving and compromising are two different things. Caving is when you make a hasty and rash decision for fear of losing the relationship. Compromising is realizing the value of that relationship and making allowances for both parties wants and needs. Brothers, you have to assess the value of your relationship. There are too many brothers that caved and now have babymamas that they hate. I don’t want that to be you. If you have found a person that you feel is right for you, STAY WITH HER. But if you are always second-guessing and fighting inside about your feelings, LEAVE…QUICKLY.
Women:
This is going to sound really mean, but it’s a reality that can allow you to get closer to your dream guy. Ladies, you aren’t as special as you think you are. I compare you to every QUALIFIED job seeker in America. To a normal employer in this day and age, you aren’t that special. EVERYBODY has a college degree but why are you special? Translating this same principle back to dating. Why are you special to this man? I completely get it ladies and despite what you feel about my previous statement, I’m on your side. I completely get it, you cook, clean, have a job, no kids, not too crazy and you’re the business in bed. But guess what?? Some other chick(s) does the same thing that you do. Which makes you not that special. You think you are one but you are one of many in that man’s mind. For dudes it’s the same way. I realize that to some women I’m the world and to others I’m just a neighborhood. It doesn’t make me less than, it just makes me acutely aware of who I am in every situation.
A man can spend a million hours with you and do all the aforementioned things with you but you will still be relegated to bench-status if he doesn’t feel you are special. It’s not that he thinks you are wack. But in his mind if he’s going to drop everything in the world for you, you better be “special”. Don’t fret because there is some dude out there that thinks you are special and you will feel the same way about him. One way women give up their specialness is through sex. You give up so much power and mystique when you give up the drawz . It’s a reality. Think about how much you open up to a man once he has smashed. You instantly start going into your Pandora’s box when he sticks the tip in. STOP IT!!! Save yourself the heartache and time.
At this age men aren’t necessarily scared of commitment (some of us are), we just don’t want to wife the wrong person. That’s my biggest fear, wifing the wrong one and having to get divorced because I didn’t listen to my heart. Your heart is a tricky thing at times. If it’s not filled with the right things it can lead you astray. Ladies continue to seek God and let him order your love life. Fellas do the same thing. I’ve found that the people who have the most fulfilling relationships are the ones who have not only sought God but they found what they love and who they love came along. The purpose of singleness is not for you to lose hella weight so that Prince Charming can come along and swoop your skinny ass up. NO, the mission is for you to find your purpose in God’s vision. I can’t imagine you following that advice and going wrong.
19 YR OLD BLACK MALE SHOT TO DEATH BY MARTA POLICE...ATLANTA....
.ATLANTA -- The Fulton County Medical Examiner's office released an autopsy report Tuesday in the death of Joetavius Stafford, who was shot to death in a confrontation with a MARTA police officer Saturday night.
According to the report, Stafford, 19, was shot three times -- once in the left-front-chest area, once in the left side of the mid-back and once more in the mid-lower back area.
The report goes on to say information is not provided as to the position of Stafford's body when he was shot, or the order in which the shots occurred. It also says the shots do not appear to have occurred at close range.
The Fulton County Medical Examiner's complete report said the following:
The autopsy examination of Joetavious Stafford, who was shot near the Vine City MARTA Station on October 15, 2011, shows that there were three gunshot entry wounds. There were no exit wounds and three bullets were recovered. One of the entry wounds was located on the left front chest area, another was on the left side of the mid-back, and the third was near the mid-lower back. The autopsy does not provide information to indicate Joetavious' body position when he was shot or the order in which the shots occurred. None of the entry wounds appear to be close range or contact wounds. Deputy Chief Medical Examiner Michele Stauffenberg, MD, conducted the autopsy. The cause of death is gunshot wounds of the torso. Investigation by law enforcement personnel continues, and further tests will be conducted by the GBI Division of Forensic Sciences.
***This is a breaking news update. 11Alive's earlier reporting follows***
ATLANTA -- Contrary to witness reports, a statement from MARTA on Saturday night's fatal shooting of a 19-year-old says the victim was armed when he was shot by a MARTA police officer.
According to MARTA, Officer Robert Waldo confronted Joetavius Stafford near the Vine City MARTA station after 10 p.m. Saturday.
Stafford was shot and killed in the exchange.
His older brother, Rodney Stafford, said Joetavius had gotten into a fight outside the MARTA station. Rodney said someone fired a gun into the air, causing the gathered crowd to scatter.
Rodney said his brother was running from the area when Officer Waldo began chasing him, and that he had his hands up when the officer shot him.
"I witnessed that he was shot in the back," Rodney Stafford said. "My little brother had his hands up, and they shot him in the back."
He said the officer shot his brother in the back two more times when he was on the ground.
The Fulton County Medical Examiner ruled Stafford's death a homicide.
MARTA officials said Officer Waldo has been placed on administrative leave with pay pending the conclusion of a GBI investigation into the shooting.
According to the report, Stafford, 19, was shot three times -- once in the left-front-chest area, once in the left side of the mid-back and once more in the mid-lower back area.
The report goes on to say information is not provided as to the position of Stafford's body when he was shot, or the order in which the shots occurred. It also says the shots do not appear to have occurred at close range.
The Fulton County Medical Examiner's complete report said the following:
The autopsy examination of Joetavious Stafford, who was shot near the Vine City MARTA Station on October 15, 2011, shows that there were three gunshot entry wounds. There were no exit wounds and three bullets were recovered. One of the entry wounds was located on the left front chest area, another was on the left side of the mid-back, and the third was near the mid-lower back. The autopsy does not provide information to indicate Joetavious' body position when he was shot or the order in which the shots occurred. None of the entry wounds appear to be close range or contact wounds. Deputy Chief Medical Examiner Michele Stauffenberg, MD, conducted the autopsy. The cause of death is gunshot wounds of the torso. Investigation by law enforcement personnel continues, and further tests will be conducted by the GBI Division of Forensic Sciences.
***This is a breaking news update. 11Alive's earlier reporting follows***
ATLANTA -- Contrary to witness reports, a statement from MARTA on Saturday night's fatal shooting of a 19-year-old says the victim was armed when he was shot by a MARTA police officer.
According to MARTA, Officer Robert Waldo confronted Joetavius Stafford near the Vine City MARTA station after 10 p.m. Saturday.
Stafford was shot and killed in the exchange.
His older brother, Rodney Stafford, said Joetavius had gotten into a fight outside the MARTA station. Rodney said someone fired a gun into the air, causing the gathered crowd to scatter.
Rodney said his brother was running from the area when Officer Waldo began chasing him, and that he had his hands up when the officer shot him.
"I witnessed that he was shot in the back," Rodney Stafford said. "My little brother had his hands up, and they shot him in the back."
He said the officer shot his brother in the back two more times when he was on the ground.
The Fulton County Medical Examiner ruled Stafford's death a homicide.
MARTA officials said Officer Waldo has been placed on administrative leave with pay pending the conclusion of a GBI investigation into the shooting.
GET INTO THE LYRICS.....FORTUNATE....MAXWELL
Never seen a sun shine like this
Never seen the moon glow like this
Never seen the waterfalls like this
Never seen the lights off like this
Never dug anyone like this
Never had tasty lips to kiss
Never had someone to miss
Never heard a song quite like this
Fortunate to have you girl,
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
Never had room service all night
Never took a trip first class flight
Never had a love affair so tight
I’ve never felt a feeling so right
Never seen a winter so white
Never had words to recite
Never had a flame to ignite
And I never sang a song with all my might
Fortunate to have you girl,
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(I’m so ecstatic baby)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(It’s all about you)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Lady.. so.. so so glad)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(Can you hear the silence child?)
Silence child so I hope you hear
I’m callin out to your body
(I’m callin now)
Baby you know just what to do
Close the door no interlude
(Put yo hands together now)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Let em see)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(She is my girl.. my world.. my girl)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(And I’m so mighty mighty proud about it)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Ain’t no shame in my game)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Oh.. )
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
(No…)
I bless the day that I found you
(I wanna show you off)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(I wanna let them know)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Let the whole world know I’m..)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
(Loving my baby now
I bless the day that I found you
(Loving my baby now
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Ain’t nobody)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(I said ain’t no lady lady lady better than my baby)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(See I’m so mighty mighty mighty proud.. mighty proud)
Fortunate to have you girl,
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Babe, it’s makin me change)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
(Babe, it’s makin me dance)
I bless the day that I found you
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Babe, it’s makin me dance)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Babe, it’s makin me dance)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
Never seen the moon glow like this
Never seen the waterfalls like this
Never seen the lights off like this
Never dug anyone like this
Never had tasty lips to kiss
Never had someone to miss
Never heard a song quite like this
Fortunate to have you girl,
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
Never had room service all night
Never took a trip first class flight
Never had a love affair so tight
I’ve never felt a feeling so right
Never seen a winter so white
Never had words to recite
Never had a flame to ignite
And I never sang a song with all my might
Fortunate to have you girl,
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(I’m so ecstatic baby)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(It’s all about you)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Lady.. so.. so so glad)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(Can you hear the silence child?)
Silence child so I hope you hear
I’m callin out to your body
(I’m callin now)
Baby you know just what to do
Close the door no interlude
(Put yo hands together now)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Let em see)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(She is my girl.. my world.. my girl)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(And I’m so mighty mighty proud about it)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Ain’t no shame in my game)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Oh.. )
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
(No…)
I bless the day that I found you
(I wanna show you off)
Fortunate to have you girl,
(I wanna let them know)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Let the whole world know I’m..)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
(Loving my baby now
I bless the day that I found you
(Loving my baby now
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Ain’t nobody)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(I said ain’t no lady lady lady better than my baby)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
(See I’m so mighty mighty mighty proud.. mighty proud)
Fortunate to have you girl,
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Babe, it’s makin me change)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
(Babe, it’s makin me dance)
I bless the day that I found you
Fortunate to have you girl,
(Babe, it’s makin me dance)
I’m so glad you’re in my world,
(Babe, it’s makin me dance)
Just as sure as the sky is blue,
I bless the day that I found you
October 18, 2011
A MAN.....
"A man is not a man until he is able and willing to accept his own vision of the world, no matter how radically this vision departs from that of others."
James Baldwin
James Baldwin
ONLINE DATING....THE WAVE OF THE FUTURE (FROM 2008)
Its 2008. There is technology available to us and ingrained into our daily lives that our grandparents could never have dreamed of … all of it greatly effecting the way we date and love in the 21st century.
Now you have cell phones, giving use 24 hour access to your boo. There is GPS tracking for catching that lying hoe. Text messages have shown us that “b*tches love smiley faces” (Boondocks reference). The list goes on for days …
But … the single biggest impact on dating from the “Information Age” has to be online dating.
Think about it … in your PJs chilling at the crib you can find love, spit game to strangers, or just set up that jump off situation for the night.
Or … you can have a team of computers in a cold room far away use the doctorate research of the greatest minds to scour the internet and find you the perfect match …
WOW …
Personally, if I haven’t found Mrs. SBM by 27 … I’m headed to e-Harmony and finding my mate. I am a big believer in online dating (in theory) … so let me tell you why.
More selection
If you think about it … the dating system is horribly inefficient (here is where my Economics degree gets utilized). The whole thing is based on being at the same place at the same time with the right person … and then actually interacting with them. Whether its the club, bar, professional group, supermarket … its still a lot of chance. This, as an auctioning system (in pure economic terms that what dating is) … its highly inefficient. Online dating opens up your selection pool significantly.
Best foot forward
Suppose lightning does strike and you see Mrs. Right. Oh … wait … she has a ketchup stain on her shirt from that chicken biscuit she had this morning … “keep it moving”. Now you are passing up a happiness you will never know … because of a random event. Since online profiles are the best representation of a person, this is what you should judge someone on (as long as its honest … no more putting up high school picks as your profile pics). This takes out a lot of the volatility that happens in the real world … you know … even things out a bit.
More information sooner
Me … SBM … doesn’t think a phat ass is telling about how good your gonna treat me or if your a b*tch or not. As a result, I’m not going to approach every attractive female (which would consume all my day with the fine women here in the Nation’s capital). Online, I know what you look like, what you do for a living, if you went to school, if you got kids, and if your best friends with my crazy ex. This is sooooo helpful in figuring out who gets poked … and who get passed on.
Computers are smart
Some of these sites actually use well researched algorithms to match people together. Having a computer science background … damned if I can’t put some trust in these machines. Hell … I trust the navigation in my car to get me home … why not trust a machine to make sure I’m putting the ring on the right finger.
Now … I say all this with a MySpace failure and a Facebook failure under my belt and having never used Match, e-Harmony, or BlackPeopleMeet … but I’m a thinker … so I still believe its the future.
Now you have cell phones, giving use 24 hour access to your boo. There is GPS tracking for catching that lying hoe. Text messages have shown us that “b*tches love smiley faces” (Boondocks reference). The list goes on for days …
But … the single biggest impact on dating from the “Information Age” has to be online dating.
Think about it … in your PJs chilling at the crib you can find love, spit game to strangers, or just set up that jump off situation for the night.
Or … you can have a team of computers in a cold room far away use the doctorate research of the greatest minds to scour the internet and find you the perfect match …
WOW …
Personally, if I haven’t found Mrs. SBM by 27 … I’m headed to e-Harmony and finding my mate. I am a big believer in online dating (in theory) … so let me tell you why.
More selection
If you think about it … the dating system is horribly inefficient (here is where my Economics degree gets utilized). The whole thing is based on being at the same place at the same time with the right person … and then actually interacting with them. Whether its the club, bar, professional group, supermarket … its still a lot of chance. This, as an auctioning system (in pure economic terms that what dating is) … its highly inefficient. Online dating opens up your selection pool significantly.
Best foot forward
Suppose lightning does strike and you see Mrs. Right. Oh … wait … she has a ketchup stain on her shirt from that chicken biscuit she had this morning … “keep it moving”. Now you are passing up a happiness you will never know … because of a random event. Since online profiles are the best representation of a person, this is what you should judge someone on (as long as its honest … no more putting up high school picks as your profile pics). This takes out a lot of the volatility that happens in the real world … you know … even things out a bit.
More information sooner
Me … SBM … doesn’t think a phat ass is telling about how good your gonna treat me or if your a b*tch or not. As a result, I’m not going to approach every attractive female (which would consume all my day with the fine women here in the Nation’s capital). Online, I know what you look like, what you do for a living, if you went to school, if you got kids, and if your best friends with my crazy ex. This is sooooo helpful in figuring out who gets poked … and who get passed on.
Computers are smart
Some of these sites actually use well researched algorithms to match people together. Having a computer science background … damned if I can’t put some trust in these machines. Hell … I trust the navigation in my car to get me home … why not trust a machine to make sure I’m putting the ring on the right finger.
Now … I say all this with a MySpace failure and a Facebook failure under my belt and having never used Match, e-Harmony, or BlackPeopleMeet … but I’m a thinker … so I still believe its the future.
WORD OF THE DAY-INSECURITY
Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be vulnerable in some way, or a sense of vulnerability or instability which threatens one's self-image or ego.
Key word is SELF-Nobody else can help you with your insecurities. Man the f up and stop blaming others for your lack of security.
Key word is SELF-Nobody else can help you with your insecurities. Man the f up and stop blaming others for your lack of security.
October 17, 2011
SHE'S MY "BAD HABIT"....I CAN RELATE....
Throughout this journey of the Marcus Graham Chronicles you have seen me introspectively look at myself when it comes to my own personal relationships. Just as Marcus Graham in Boomerang had to look at himself and realize what he want he really wanted out of a lady I have done the same. I have previously wrote about the concept of “Why I Love Jacquelines” but this post will dive a bit more into the addiction one can have for another person. I will go out on a limb and say this but I have what Maxwell song called a “BadHabits”. Yep….this woman is my Bad Habit.
I was conflicted about even writing this post considering my “Bad Habit” subscribes to my blog(how often she reads it I guess we will see right?)
Marcus Graham’s “bad habit” was Jacqueline Broyer(Robin Givens) so much to the extent it became destructive to not only his personal life but his professional life as well. Marcus puts the relationship he had with Angela Lewis(Halle Berry) and his career at lady Eloise on the line because of his “bad habit”. No matter how much Jacqueline was not good for him it was something about her that kept pulling him back in. Marcus had to figure out a way to break this bad habit of a woman to be able to get what was in store for him in his life and move forward.
My personal “bad habit” is somewhat different from Marcus’ situation but it is a great backdrop of where I am going with this post. Have you ever been off and on with someone who because of that relationship always confines your future relationship maturity?
Raises hand! ( I aint the only one either let’s not front)
My “bad habit” has been an off and on again relationship that lasted over a 7 year period. We have been friends longer than that but the concept of this “bad habit” I didn’t even realize until I sat down and really thought about it. We would mess around continuously off and own. She would come visit me( and vice versa) and go on trips and then after a few months we would fizzle out and go to just being cool. We would both get into relationships and coincidentally (or uncoincidentally not gonna front) we would both be getting out of a relationship. And we would keep this repeat of wash, rinse, dry going. We don’t even talk about the previously relationship we were in too much we just pick up like a lover was on an extended European trip and finally coming back home.
This “bad habit” situation was so routine that my brother has even said to me “I am surprised you haven’t made your annual trek to (insert city here)”. Honestly this “bad habit” is one of the only women I can say I really loved even to the extent of talking marriage at some point.
*I know I know please quit throwing tomatoes studio audience*
One day I was looking in the mirror(literally I was) and was like if I am going to keep growing to another level I have to let go of her because is my “bad habit”. When I say “bad habit” I am not talking about her in any disparaging way it’s just that a relationship like that with no stability can stunt my romantic relationship growth. Her ever looming presence keeps me from being 100% invested in any woman. It’s like a drug that euphorically gets you on this emotional, mental, and sexual high but when you come down you realize it may not be the best thing for you in the long run. I found myself standing still many times waiting for her and thinking maybe this time when we get together that it will be for good. I know she takes advantage of the situation and the comfort of the relationship safety net. She has even drunkenly told me that she knows that no other chick can have my heart like she does and that she knows she can come back and we will be ok ( I was drunk too and just laughed but it was still an ironic/braggadoscious statement).
There is a scene in Boomerang where Marcus is telling Jacqueline that she has ruined his life by stringing him along and playing with his emotions(which ironically he has done for a long time himself). Jacqueline says a line that sticks out and was one of the most poignant things said in the film. She says “I didn’t ruin your life. YOU ruined your life.” The reason it is a dope line is because YOU can control who you are with and who you decide to be with. If you choose to let a person you are with be deconstructive to anyway then you are choosing to let that person “ruin” your life.
I am responsible for my happiness not someone else. It isn’t fair to future women if I continuosly allow her to come in and out my life and let her be like the Death Star looming my relationships. I love my “bad habit” and will always have her back but I have to let it go if I am going to be able to move forward in development. Me and her haven’t rekindled our romantic affair in a long time and I am cool with that because it is the best thing for me and probably for her as well. I guess I won’t be gaining those annual frequent flyer miles as much because I am cool with letting go of my “bad habit”…
I was conflicted about even writing this post considering my “Bad Habit” subscribes to my blog(how often she reads it I guess we will see right?)
Marcus Graham’s “bad habit” was Jacqueline Broyer(Robin Givens) so much to the extent it became destructive to not only his personal life but his professional life as well. Marcus puts the relationship he had with Angela Lewis(Halle Berry) and his career at lady Eloise on the line because of his “bad habit”. No matter how much Jacqueline was not good for him it was something about her that kept pulling him back in. Marcus had to figure out a way to break this bad habit of a woman to be able to get what was in store for him in his life and move forward.
My personal “bad habit” is somewhat different from Marcus’ situation but it is a great backdrop of where I am going with this post. Have you ever been off and on with someone who because of that relationship always confines your future relationship maturity?
Raises hand! ( I aint the only one either let’s not front)
My “bad habit” has been an off and on again relationship that lasted over a 7 year period. We have been friends longer than that but the concept of this “bad habit” I didn’t even realize until I sat down and really thought about it. We would mess around continuously off and own. She would come visit me( and vice versa) and go on trips and then after a few months we would fizzle out and go to just being cool. We would both get into relationships and coincidentally (or uncoincidentally not gonna front) we would both be getting out of a relationship. And we would keep this repeat of wash, rinse, dry going. We don’t even talk about the previously relationship we were in too much we just pick up like a lover was on an extended European trip and finally coming back home.
This “bad habit” situation was so routine that my brother has even said to me “I am surprised you haven’t made your annual trek to (insert city here)”. Honestly this “bad habit” is one of the only women I can say I really loved even to the extent of talking marriage at some point.
*I know I know please quit throwing tomatoes studio audience*
One day I was looking in the mirror(literally I was) and was like if I am going to keep growing to another level I have to let go of her because is my “bad habit”. When I say “bad habit” I am not talking about her in any disparaging way it’s just that a relationship like that with no stability can stunt my romantic relationship growth. Her ever looming presence keeps me from being 100% invested in any woman. It’s like a drug that euphorically gets you on this emotional, mental, and sexual high but when you come down you realize it may not be the best thing for you in the long run. I found myself standing still many times waiting for her and thinking maybe this time when we get together that it will be for good. I know she takes advantage of the situation and the comfort of the relationship safety net. She has even drunkenly told me that she knows that no other chick can have my heart like she does and that she knows she can come back and we will be ok ( I was drunk too and just laughed but it was still an ironic/braggadoscious statement).
There is a scene in Boomerang where Marcus is telling Jacqueline that she has ruined his life by stringing him along and playing with his emotions(which ironically he has done for a long time himself). Jacqueline says a line that sticks out and was one of the most poignant things said in the film. She says “I didn’t ruin your life. YOU ruined your life.” The reason it is a dope line is because YOU can control who you are with and who you decide to be with. If you choose to let a person you are with be deconstructive to anyway then you are choosing to let that person “ruin” your life.
I am responsible for my happiness not someone else. It isn’t fair to future women if I continuosly allow her to come in and out my life and let her be like the Death Star looming my relationships. I love my “bad habit” and will always have her back but I have to let it go if I am going to be able to move forward in development. Me and her haven’t rekindled our romantic affair in a long time and I am cool with that because it is the best thing for me and probably for her as well. I guess I won’t be gaining those annual frequent flyer miles as much because I am cool with letting go of my “bad habit”…
HAVING A DEGREE=SUCCESS?? THOUGHTS....
Before my laptop crashed, I had a list of people who made it without college degrees. I wasn’t talking about people who dropped out of Ivy League schools. People always want to point to Mark Zuckerberg and say, “See you don’t need a degree to succeed.” My reply, “Aight bet, just get into an Ivy League school before you make that decision though.” I’m talking about good and regular citizens like me and you who may or may not have a degree but we make due anyway.
I thought about this because as Black people we always stress the need for higher education. I think that it’s important that you tell the youth to reach for the stars and so I don’t think it’s wise to tell a 10 year old, “You don’t have to go to school, you can do good all by yourself.” That’s not the right type of motivation that the youth needs. However, I do think that we shouldn’t think of someone as a failure or having a ceiling just because they don’t have a degree. My family is very successful, but my grandfather didn’t go to college, he actually dropped out of high school and ran away from home in South Carolina and he did what all of us do, “he made some sh*t happen.” My grandfather hustled numbers until he had a family and then he settled into a fulltime gig at Sterling Dry Cleaners for 30 years until his retirement. My grandfather got me to thinking though, how necessary is the degree. Check me out.
Despite popular belief the military is a great option – Here’s what I don’t like about the military: they put guns in the hands of young Black men and tell them to go kill their own people. Here’s what I like about the military: they educate men and women with state of the art technology and they also teach a sense of discipline and maturity that is ions ahead of what happens at four year institutions in America. You can go into the military, serve your country and you will exit the military either through discharge or retirement and have access to some of the best things in America. I know a dude who retired as a Lt. Colonel and came into my firm and make 200K. When you ask him about his degree, he doesn’t know what that means, but he oversaw over 10,000 troops in Iraq. I don’t care what you say, you can have six degrees from Harvard, that ain’t got nothing on being in charge of 10,000 men and women’s lives in a time of war.
If you go to work everyday and you work hard, you will be rewarded - Like my grandfather, if you go to work everyday and work hard, everything will work out for you. It’s real men out here right now without degrees who do what they have to do to provide for them and theirs. They should be applauded. You ain’t got to put on a shirt and tie to bring home a paycheck, legally. If you are a contractor for FedEx, be the best at what you do; pass all your drug tests and show up on time. You never know, one day that may turn into your own business and Kobe Bryant from the Lakers. Now that’s paper!
A Good Government Job, is still a good Government Job - My boy told me he couldn’t date a chick who didn’t go to college. She was a DC slim with hazel eyes, and I said, “Dog you just not from here, she probably doing alright for herself.” If you not from DC, I’ll have to explain this later but, YOU AIN’T GOT TO GO TO COLLEGE TO MAKE GS-13. All them position descriptions say, “or equivalent experience.” A lot of females grow up and they know they need to get out the house as soon as possible, they graduate high school and go in the government. You put your time in the government and you can retire. If you are motivated you can turn a GS-3, into a 5, into a 7/9, into a 9/11/12 and then be on your way in no time. (All that is are the GS schedules and the way the positions are in the government. The Federal government is just set up in a way that you can keep moving up without a degree.) My whole point was this, how can you judge a chick for not having a degree when she got more money than you? (Sidenote: Being from here, I got too many family members in the government to ever take shots at that life, keep this in mind during the comments.)
Trade school is a good look these days - You know how much plumbers make? $80 an hour. Yep, and I’m not talking about that guy who comes over your house and pays you in yards. I’m talking about the dude who unclogs your drains because you don’t know how to put your hair in the trash can. You go to trade school and you can be making $80/hour for life. That’s a skill that they can’t take from you. Because of the decrease of men becoming plumbers, their rates are going up and so is their business. You know how much the person who operates a crane on a construction site makes? They make a bill an hour. You know how much a consultant makes? On average, about $30-35 an hour. Think about that.
I’m just not the social type and campus life is crazy - One of my boys raps, y’all know him, but I won’t shout him out. He was my roommate freshman year in college, he only lasted two weeks. He couldn’t deal with campus life. It wasn’t like he was partying or banging everything that walked, he was just not into it and it depressed him, so he dropped out. He got himself in a good position once he left college and he started dropping these weird mixtapes and hanging around artists. He’s making paper now. The only reason I bring this up is because there are some people who just ain’t made for college campuses. We force their hand by dragging them there. They don’t do well, they may graduate, but just barely. Those people would be better served if no one forced them to college, but instead taught them some other routes that they could go.
What do you guys think though? Is it important that we present these other options to our youth? Do we stop stratifying ourselves with our degrees? What’s the difference between paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to market yourself, or just finding it out yourself? What’s the difference between a hustler and a professional? What you think?
I thought about this because as Black people we always stress the need for higher education. I think that it’s important that you tell the youth to reach for the stars and so I don’t think it’s wise to tell a 10 year old, “You don’t have to go to school, you can do good all by yourself.” That’s not the right type of motivation that the youth needs. However, I do think that we shouldn’t think of someone as a failure or having a ceiling just because they don’t have a degree. My family is very successful, but my grandfather didn’t go to college, he actually dropped out of high school and ran away from home in South Carolina and he did what all of us do, “he made some sh*t happen.” My grandfather hustled numbers until he had a family and then he settled into a fulltime gig at Sterling Dry Cleaners for 30 years until his retirement. My grandfather got me to thinking though, how necessary is the degree. Check me out.
Despite popular belief the military is a great option – Here’s what I don’t like about the military: they put guns in the hands of young Black men and tell them to go kill their own people. Here’s what I like about the military: they educate men and women with state of the art technology and they also teach a sense of discipline and maturity that is ions ahead of what happens at four year institutions in America. You can go into the military, serve your country and you will exit the military either through discharge or retirement and have access to some of the best things in America. I know a dude who retired as a Lt. Colonel and came into my firm and make 200K. When you ask him about his degree, he doesn’t know what that means, but he oversaw over 10,000 troops in Iraq. I don’t care what you say, you can have six degrees from Harvard, that ain’t got nothing on being in charge of 10,000 men and women’s lives in a time of war.
If you go to work everyday and you work hard, you will be rewarded - Like my grandfather, if you go to work everyday and work hard, everything will work out for you. It’s real men out here right now without degrees who do what they have to do to provide for them and theirs. They should be applauded. You ain’t got to put on a shirt and tie to bring home a paycheck, legally. If you are a contractor for FedEx, be the best at what you do; pass all your drug tests and show up on time. You never know, one day that may turn into your own business and Kobe Bryant from the Lakers. Now that’s paper!
A Good Government Job, is still a good Government Job - My boy told me he couldn’t date a chick who didn’t go to college. She was a DC slim with hazel eyes, and I said, “Dog you just not from here, she probably doing alright for herself.” If you not from DC, I’ll have to explain this later but, YOU AIN’T GOT TO GO TO COLLEGE TO MAKE GS-13. All them position descriptions say, “or equivalent experience.” A lot of females grow up and they know they need to get out the house as soon as possible, they graduate high school and go in the government. You put your time in the government and you can retire. If you are motivated you can turn a GS-3, into a 5, into a 7/9, into a 9/11/12 and then be on your way in no time. (All that is are the GS schedules and the way the positions are in the government. The Federal government is just set up in a way that you can keep moving up without a degree.) My whole point was this, how can you judge a chick for not having a degree when she got more money than you? (Sidenote: Being from here, I got too many family members in the government to ever take shots at that life, keep this in mind during the comments.)
Trade school is a good look these days - You know how much plumbers make? $80 an hour. Yep, and I’m not talking about that guy who comes over your house and pays you in yards. I’m talking about the dude who unclogs your drains because you don’t know how to put your hair in the trash can. You go to trade school and you can be making $80/hour for life. That’s a skill that they can’t take from you. Because of the decrease of men becoming plumbers, their rates are going up and so is their business. You know how much the person who operates a crane on a construction site makes? They make a bill an hour. You know how much a consultant makes? On average, about $30-35 an hour. Think about that.
I’m just not the social type and campus life is crazy - One of my boys raps, y’all know him, but I won’t shout him out. He was my roommate freshman year in college, he only lasted two weeks. He couldn’t deal with campus life. It wasn’t like he was partying or banging everything that walked, he was just not into it and it depressed him, so he dropped out. He got himself in a good position once he left college and he started dropping these weird mixtapes and hanging around artists. He’s making paper now. The only reason I bring this up is because there are some people who just ain’t made for college campuses. We force their hand by dragging them there. They don’t do well, they may graduate, but just barely. Those people would be better served if no one forced them to college, but instead taught them some other routes that they could go.
What do you guys think though? Is it important that we present these other options to our youth? Do we stop stratifying ourselves with our degrees? What’s the difference between paying hundreds of thousands of dollars to market yourself, or just finding it out yourself? What’s the difference between a hustler and a professional? What you think?
NOTHING ELSE TO SAY....
Come on boy and join me I'll be waitin', waitin', waitin' for you
You can be my homie I'll be waitin', waitin', waitin' for you
Baby, come and hold me I'll be waitin', waitin', waitin' for you
Lookin' for my one and only, you can be my one and only
You can be my homie I'll be waitin', waitin', waitin' for you
Baby, come and hold me I'll be waitin', waitin', waitin' for you
Lookin' for my one and only, you can be my one and only
ALL IN DUE TIME....
1.To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2.A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
3.A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4.A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5.A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6.A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7.A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8.A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
2.A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
3.A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4.A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5.A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6.A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7.A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8.A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
October 12, 2011
Why the Degree’d want the Degreed: Educated Black People Rule!
Apparently Mikki had been told by some EBP that he preferred other EBPs (defined by having a college degree of some sort) when it came to relationships … and this apparently upset her … higlhy.
I’m not sure how this person came across, but I can’t help but play devil’s advocate.
I can’t say a bachelor’s degree is a hard set requirement for anyone I marry or date seriously, but I will say its pretty durn close. Doesn’t have to be a bachelor’s, doesn’t have to be from any particular school, just has to be something from somewhere … or you should be in school working on one. If you don’t have one, there is going to have to be something about your personality or motivation to overcompensate … or just a good reason or story explaining why it just wasn’t/isn’t a priority.
*disclaimer*: I don’t really agree with the definition of EBP meaning a person with a degree … but Mikki set that definition. Personally … you can be educated and without degree … In my opinion.
I know I might catch hell for this … but if I was afraid of that … I wouldn’t have a blog!
So … in response to Mikki … here are the:
Top 3 Reasons For an EBP to date an EBP
3. Earning Potential
One major concern of most (especially women) is the earning potential of their potential mate. It is no secret I am not accepting of the stay at home housewife, so the earning potential of the future mother of my children is somewhat important. There are plenty of studies and statistics showing the average person with a degree will earn more money than someone without one. There are plenty of people who have become extremely successful without a degree … but I feel like they are the exception … not the norm.
2. Similar Experiences
For me … college was an extreme growing experience. I matured more, learned more, experienced more new things, and found out more about myself in those few years than any other period of my life. It comes up a lot for me in conversations (especially since I’m in a Fraternity too … the best one ever at that … 06) … so I could see it coming up with the person I see every day but never experienced it. I don’t want to feel like I have to duck around the topic and not bring it up … but I can see it happening … especially if you hate all degreed black people … like some.
1. Equality in the Relationship
With something like this … it was hard picking a #1 because I haven’t had to think about it in depth before, but I think this could be the biggest reason. For anyone without a degree, I would need to know why you thought going to school just wasn’t important enough. Was it because your mom died and you had to work to take care of your brother? Was it because you already had a small business that was in the black and decided to educate in some other method? Was it because you have a problem with core of the American Education System and your removal from it is a boycott of something you just couldn’t support? Or are you just being lazy and “don’t feel like it”?
If I decide to be with you I am obviously happy with you flaws and all … but I don’t think I could avoid never thinking about why you didn’t go to school and why I could do it and you can’t and won’t … assuming there weren’t extenuating circumstances. I know this same inequality could exist if I have a Harvard PhD and she has a associates from the county community college … but I guess I’m just not that bourgeoise.
Conclusion … Couldn’t help but write a response. As I repeat … It is not a hard set requirement for me that you have a college degree to be my wife … but best believe if you don’t … I want to know everything behind why.
I’m not sure how this person came across, but I can’t help but play devil’s advocate.
I can’t say a bachelor’s degree is a hard set requirement for anyone I marry or date seriously, but I will say its pretty durn close. Doesn’t have to be a bachelor’s, doesn’t have to be from any particular school, just has to be something from somewhere … or you should be in school working on one. If you don’t have one, there is going to have to be something about your personality or motivation to overcompensate … or just a good reason or story explaining why it just wasn’t/isn’t a priority.
*disclaimer*: I don’t really agree with the definition of EBP meaning a person with a degree … but Mikki set that definition. Personally … you can be educated and without degree … In my opinion.
I know I might catch hell for this … but if I was afraid of that … I wouldn’t have a blog!
So … in response to Mikki … here are the:
Top 3 Reasons For an EBP to date an EBP
3. Earning Potential
One major concern of most (especially women) is the earning potential of their potential mate. It is no secret I am not accepting of the stay at home housewife, so the earning potential of the future mother of my children is somewhat important. There are plenty of studies and statistics showing the average person with a degree will earn more money than someone without one. There are plenty of people who have become extremely successful without a degree … but I feel like they are the exception … not the norm.
2. Similar Experiences
For me … college was an extreme growing experience. I matured more, learned more, experienced more new things, and found out more about myself in those few years than any other period of my life. It comes up a lot for me in conversations (especially since I’m in a Fraternity too … the best one ever at that … 06) … so I could see it coming up with the person I see every day but never experienced it. I don’t want to feel like I have to duck around the topic and not bring it up … but I can see it happening … especially if you hate all degreed black people … like some.
1. Equality in the Relationship
With something like this … it was hard picking a #1 because I haven’t had to think about it in depth before, but I think this could be the biggest reason. For anyone without a degree, I would need to know why you thought going to school just wasn’t important enough. Was it because your mom died and you had to work to take care of your brother? Was it because you already had a small business that was in the black and decided to educate in some other method? Was it because you have a problem with core of the American Education System and your removal from it is a boycott of something you just couldn’t support? Or are you just being lazy and “don’t feel like it”?
If I decide to be with you I am obviously happy with you flaws and all … but I don’t think I could avoid never thinking about why you didn’t go to school and why I could do it and you can’t and won’t … assuming there weren’t extenuating circumstances. I know this same inequality could exist if I have a Harvard PhD and she has a associates from the county community college … but I guess I’m just not that bourgeoise.
Conclusion … Couldn’t help but write a response. As I repeat … It is not a hard set requirement for me that you have a college degree to be my wife … but best believe if you don’t … I want to know everything behind why.
REAL N%GG@ SHIT.....THINK ABOUT IT....
Guys walking around the club with two bottles of moet in their hand, sipping from each alternatively in an attempt to let you know “I can afford two bottles of Moet”
Beating or peeing on a woman, and getting away with it just because you have the ability to sing and make hits
N****s without checking accounts and just cash their checks at the check cashing spot. Not only do they charge you a fee to do that … but why do you need your whole check in cash each week.
N****s without a proper savings account and has to “save up” for any purchase over $200. I feel like past a certain age you need to do everything in your power to have an emergency fund.
Guys with neck tattoos. You never plan on getting a job in an office?
Women with neck tattoos.
Television networks who over the course of several years remove any type of positive of intelligent programming and replace it with more shaking asses, ignorant VJs, and Tiny and Toya.
Guys who sit behind me on a 4 hour bus ride talking about how he was about to “smack the teeth” out of a guy outside. And then ask the guy next to them “you every try and eat with all the teeth smacked out yo mouth”?
Men who refer to every woman as b*tch. “Yeah man … all these b*tches out here better stop faking. B*tches need to respect how nice I am with it.”
Women who talk with their neck. Stop that sh*t.
Women who think every man is a dog who will cheat on them with their sister.
Rims bigger than 20″.
Women who think every other man is really gay and on the down low … because that explains why she is still single.
Black people who refer to every other black person as n*gga. “My president is a n*gga. We running the world son!”
Men who cheat on their girls all the time and without remorse … dead it already. You don’t “love” her and you got 2 other chics pregnant while with her.
People with a life goal of “making $50K”. Because once you make $50K doing “whatever” … your set for life?
The word “swag”.
Beating or peeing on a woman, and getting away with it just because you have the ability to sing and make hits
N****s without checking accounts and just cash their checks at the check cashing spot. Not only do they charge you a fee to do that … but why do you need your whole check in cash each week.
N****s without a proper savings account and has to “save up” for any purchase over $200. I feel like past a certain age you need to do everything in your power to have an emergency fund.
Guys with neck tattoos. You never plan on getting a job in an office?
Women with neck tattoos.
Television networks who over the course of several years remove any type of positive of intelligent programming and replace it with more shaking asses, ignorant VJs, and Tiny and Toya.
Guys who sit behind me on a 4 hour bus ride talking about how he was about to “smack the teeth” out of a guy outside. And then ask the guy next to them “you every try and eat with all the teeth smacked out yo mouth”?
Men who refer to every woman as b*tch. “Yeah man … all these b*tches out here better stop faking. B*tches need to respect how nice I am with it.”
Women who talk with their neck. Stop that sh*t.
Women who think every man is a dog who will cheat on them with their sister.
Rims bigger than 20″.
Women who think every other man is really gay and on the down low … because that explains why she is still single.
Black people who refer to every other black person as n*gga. “My president is a n*gga. We running the world son!”
Men who cheat on their girls all the time and without remorse … dead it already. You don’t “love” her and you got 2 other chics pregnant while with her.
People with a life goal of “making $50K”. Because once you make $50K doing “whatever” … your set for life?
The word “swag”.
“Girl … He’s Gay”: Female Homophobia
“He’s got on a pink shirt … He’s Gay”
“He wouldn’t buy me a drink at the bar … He’s Gay”
“He said he rather see ‘the guys’ than me … He’s Gay”
“He said the word ‘toiletries’ … He’s Gay”
“He didn’t want none of this p*ssy … He’s Gay”
I know the whole brother’s on the Down Low got women scared … but damn … this is getting out of control. I hear a little too often girls claiming that a guy is gay off some bullsh*t. Maybe he just doesn’t want you … maybe he is a little metrosexual (something I can’t support … no matter how much my friend likes his pink polo) … or maybe he’s a Kappa … but why must he be gay.
This was inspired by one of my few female acquaintances … here our convo.
*She starts*: My friend was dating this guy for like 2 years. He gave her a promise ring and told her he was going to marry her after she graduated college. We all thought they were a great couple.
*She continues*: Then she graduated … they continued dating for a few months … but no wedding. She tried to move in with him … but he wasn’t having it … then all of a sudden … he dumped her with no reason.
*I ask*: Really … he didn’t give any reason.
*She replies*: Some BS about how she was “needy” and unmotivated and he wanted to advance his career and needed a “go-getter”.
*I respond*: Uhh … sounds like a valid reason. Hell … I feel him. He had a change of heart. He was a lil mean about it … but sounds like a real reason.
*She says while snapping neck*: Uh uh … now he is talks about chilling with his “buddies” all the time. That n*gga is gay!!!
*I exclaim*: WTF … how is he gay! Ya’ll just some salty ass females.
*She concludes*: Naw … he likes to go out with his boys … he’s gay.
I’ve read a post about a guy being labeled “gay” because he used the word “toiletries” and I have heard this often unwarranted accusation time and time again … especially from salty women when hey don’t get the particular d*ck they are so desperately searching for.
What would I look like if I said ever girl that rejected me was gay?!?! While the “Billy-Dee-like” game is highly effective … its not 100%. Your boy SBM does catch a no every couple of weeks. So … are all these chicks gay? If she likes sports … is she gay? If she has a motorcycle … is she gay? Hell … just cause she experimented in college after having too much tequila … is she gay (for a guy the answer is yes though … I know … those pesky double standards).
I’ve never faced this accusation (apparently my best [female] friend thinks I’m too hard because I hate on pink polo’s), but I have friends who have had this salem witch hunt like persecution thrown upon them, while knowing that they just didn’t like the girl or just got finished smashing her best friend the night before. Its like calling rape on a guy … its just wrong.
So I beg of you rejected, dejected, salty, homophobic, catty, and just-got-nothing-better-to -do-with-my-time-because -no-man-wants-to-sleep-with-me women … STOP IT!
“He wouldn’t buy me a drink at the bar … He’s Gay”
“He said he rather see ‘the guys’ than me … He’s Gay”
“He said the word ‘toiletries’ … He’s Gay”
“He didn’t want none of this p*ssy … He’s Gay”
I know the whole brother’s on the Down Low got women scared … but damn … this is getting out of control. I hear a little too often girls claiming that a guy is gay off some bullsh*t. Maybe he just doesn’t want you … maybe he is a little metrosexual (something I can’t support … no matter how much my friend likes his pink polo) … or maybe he’s a Kappa … but why must he be gay.
This was inspired by one of my few female acquaintances … here our convo.
*She starts*: My friend was dating this guy for like 2 years. He gave her a promise ring and told her he was going to marry her after she graduated college. We all thought they were a great couple.
*She continues*: Then she graduated … they continued dating for a few months … but no wedding. She tried to move in with him … but he wasn’t having it … then all of a sudden … he dumped her with no reason.
*I ask*: Really … he didn’t give any reason.
*She replies*: Some BS about how she was “needy” and unmotivated and he wanted to advance his career and needed a “go-getter”.
*I respond*: Uhh … sounds like a valid reason. Hell … I feel him. He had a change of heart. He was a lil mean about it … but sounds like a real reason.
*She says while snapping neck*: Uh uh … now he is talks about chilling with his “buddies” all the time. That n*gga is gay!!!
*I exclaim*: WTF … how is he gay! Ya’ll just some salty ass females.
*She concludes*: Naw … he likes to go out with his boys … he’s gay.
I’ve read a post about a guy being labeled “gay” because he used the word “toiletries” and I have heard this often unwarranted accusation time and time again … especially from salty women when hey don’t get the particular d*ck they are so desperately searching for.
What would I look like if I said ever girl that rejected me was gay?!?! While the “Billy-Dee-like” game is highly effective … its not 100%. Your boy SBM does catch a no every couple of weeks. So … are all these chicks gay? If she likes sports … is she gay? If she has a motorcycle … is she gay? Hell … just cause she experimented in college after having too much tequila … is she gay (for a guy the answer is yes though … I know … those pesky double standards).
I’ve never faced this accusation (apparently my best [female] friend thinks I’m too hard because I hate on pink polo’s), but I have friends who have had this salem witch hunt like persecution thrown upon them, while knowing that they just didn’t like the girl or just got finished smashing her best friend the night before. Its like calling rape on a guy … its just wrong.
So I beg of you rejected, dejected, salty, homophobic, catty, and just-got-nothing-better-to -do-with-my-time-because -no-man-wants-to-sleep-with-me women … STOP IT!
October 10, 2011
5 TOP RELATIONSHIP DEAL BREAKERS.....
When dealing with the opposite sex, I’m far from high maintenance. I look for certain things and ultimately look to coexist, have a good time, and avoid drama at all costs. I got interviewed by Essence , and they asked me about 10 questions including “What’s the Dealbreaker in a relationship for you?” They didn’t publish the answer to that questions, so I decided to list me top 5 here. There’s just some things that I won’t tolerate, and when these top 5 things occur, I’m Swayze:
#5 – Psycho Tendencies: Confession: I think crazy can be sooo sexy. Only a LITTLE crazy though, like .010% crazy. When we get into Jasmine Sullivan territory, that’s no bueno! Any woman willing to commit Caricide to my V, physically harm me (and I don’t mean slappin… I mean gangsta rap induced beat-downs), or who will question every Facebook Status, BBM update, twitter message, phone call, or anything else needs to beat it! Those tendencies reveal a lack of security, and a threat to my peace of mind, and we can’t have that! Ladies, spare me the “Men make us do this” excuses too!
#4 – She DON’T got her own: Let me present a mathematical proof: Various artists have proclaimed that “It aint trickin if you got it”. Streetz does not trick. Streetz does not “got it”. Therefore, to spend $$ Streetz doesn’t have frivolously on a woman would be considered trickin, and since Streetz is not capable of trickin, this action cannot occur. QED
There’s nothing wrong with taking care of those you care about. The problem lies with women who have no ambition, have no car/job/crib/life plan, yet will criticize every dude for not living up to her status quo. I can respect a golddigger more because she at least has a life plan, and if a salad ass nikka is willing to take them to the promise land, then so be it. I’m not the one. I don’t expect a woman to live my life or accomplish what I did. However, certain qualities (independence, ambition, and intelligence) are sexy, productive, and necessary in my book. If you have the confidence of a deer caught in headlights, or the intelligence of a bottle of water, I’m good. I’ll even add personality. If you’re personality and conversational skills are drier than the Sahara, go..THAT way!
#3 – Cheating/Lying: I know myself and I know that if a woman cheated on me, I’d feel a certain way. This actually would depend on my mood. I may feel apologetic and forgiving, or I could cut them off immediately. Who knows if I would get over it. It’s a case-by-case situation for me though. I even include lying in this, because when women lie, yall lie about SERIOUS sh*t! I don’t care about little lies, men do it all the time we ALL tell BS lies, like “Oh I fell asleep that’s why I didn’t call you back” when in reality you just forgot, lol. So if you’re lying, cheating, etc, I question everything else, and it’s not a good look from there. Time heals all wounds and depending on the situation I can forgive, but I won’t forget. It’s always better to end something than to harbor ill feelings and hold it over someones head forever, which no one deserves.
#2: Sexual incompatibility: Sex isn’t everything for other people in a relationship, but its an integral part in overall physical compatibility. I’ve heard enough horror stories from men and women to know that I’m not alone in this. If I could get more sensation from humping the bed than I can from her, then it’s time to call it quits. If someone wraps your relationship over sex, be happy because eventually they would feel the need to attain their sexual seduction elsewhere. I don’t even know how bad sex, horrible sex, or anything worse can be tolerated for extended amounts of time. If someone can explain that to me I’d appreciate it, because that doesn’t compute in my mind.
#1- Invasions of privacy (My answer to Essence): Lil Wayne’s Mrs Officer shed light that there are some sexy/beautiful law enforcement women out there, HOWEVER that doesn’t mean I’m into FBI induced behavior when ina relationship! All the private eye behavior (breaking into phones, email accounts, checking garbage cans,etc) earns you an immediate release from your contract. I don’t do it, nor do I ever feel compelled to snoop, so I don’t think she should either! Ladies, you can tell me all you want about “women’s intuition” and finding something knowing you were right. Sorry, it’s STILL wrong. Fellas, if your shorty ever finds out damaging info on you by super-duper snoopin, please cite that the bill of rights Fourth Amendment protects you from unlawful search and seizure and without a proper warrant, that “evidence” is inadmissible in your conversation.
#5 – Psycho Tendencies: Confession: I think crazy can be sooo sexy. Only a LITTLE crazy though, like .010% crazy. When we get into Jasmine Sullivan territory, that’s no bueno! Any woman willing to commit Caricide to my V, physically harm me (and I don’t mean slappin… I mean gangsta rap induced beat-downs), or who will question every Facebook Status, BBM update, twitter message, phone call, or anything else needs to beat it! Those tendencies reveal a lack of security, and a threat to my peace of mind, and we can’t have that! Ladies, spare me the “Men make us do this” excuses too!
#4 – She DON’T got her own: Let me present a mathematical proof: Various artists have proclaimed that “It aint trickin if you got it”. Streetz does not trick. Streetz does not “got it”. Therefore, to spend $$ Streetz doesn’t have frivolously on a woman would be considered trickin, and since Streetz is not capable of trickin, this action cannot occur. QED
There’s nothing wrong with taking care of those you care about. The problem lies with women who have no ambition, have no car/job/crib/life plan, yet will criticize every dude for not living up to her status quo. I can respect a golddigger more because she at least has a life plan, and if a salad ass nikka is willing to take them to the promise land, then so be it. I’m not the one. I don’t expect a woman to live my life or accomplish what I did. However, certain qualities (independence, ambition, and intelligence) are sexy, productive, and necessary in my book. If you have the confidence of a deer caught in headlights, or the intelligence of a bottle of water, I’m good. I’ll even add personality. If you’re personality and conversational skills are drier than the Sahara, go..THAT way!
#3 – Cheating/Lying: I know myself and I know that if a woman cheated on me, I’d feel a certain way. This actually would depend on my mood. I may feel apologetic and forgiving, or I could cut them off immediately. Who knows if I would get over it. It’s a case-by-case situation for me though. I even include lying in this, because when women lie, yall lie about SERIOUS sh*t! I don’t care about little lies, men do it all the time we ALL tell BS lies, like “Oh I fell asleep that’s why I didn’t call you back” when in reality you just forgot, lol. So if you’re lying, cheating, etc, I question everything else, and it’s not a good look from there. Time heals all wounds and depending on the situation I can forgive, but I won’t forget. It’s always better to end something than to harbor ill feelings and hold it over someones head forever, which no one deserves.
#2: Sexual incompatibility: Sex isn’t everything for other people in a relationship, but its an integral part in overall physical compatibility. I’ve heard enough horror stories from men and women to know that I’m not alone in this. If I could get more sensation from humping the bed than I can from her, then it’s time to call it quits. If someone wraps your relationship over sex, be happy because eventually they would feel the need to attain their sexual seduction elsewhere. I don’t even know how bad sex, horrible sex, or anything worse can be tolerated for extended amounts of time. If someone can explain that to me I’d appreciate it, because that doesn’t compute in my mind.
#1- Invasions of privacy (My answer to Essence): Lil Wayne’s Mrs Officer shed light that there are some sexy/beautiful law enforcement women out there, HOWEVER that doesn’t mean I’m into FBI induced behavior when ina relationship! All the private eye behavior (breaking into phones, email accounts, checking garbage cans,etc) earns you an immediate release from your contract. I don’t do it, nor do I ever feel compelled to snoop, so I don’t think she should either! Ladies, you can tell me all you want about “women’s intuition” and finding something knowing you were right. Sorry, it’s STILL wrong. Fellas, if your shorty ever finds out damaging info on you by super-duper snoopin, please cite that the bill of rights Fourth Amendment protects you from unlawful search and seizure and without a proper warrant, that “evidence” is inadmissible in your conversation.
WATCH.....CAREFULLY
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
5 WAYS TO TELL SHE(OR HE) ACTUALLY LIKES YOU....
As a guy, deciphering a woman’s real feelings towards you is a science. Yes, there are still some good honest women who just want to find a good man, don’t play games, and know how to treat a man. They are the ones you want to marry, mother your children, and spend all your time and energy on … and they deserve it.
Sadly, a large portion of the female population aren’t quite as perfect. Its easy that the girl your talking to or spending time & money on doesn’t really like you, but just wants attention, your money, or a Fake Ass Boyfriend. I touched on this before with Indicators of Interest, but this is the cheat sheet. Its important to weed them out (unless they are sleeping with you … cause aint nothing wrong with a “Friend With Benefits”) … so here are 5 little tips to help weed them out.
She Actually Calls You Without Asking for Something
Women hate calling men they don’t like. Its a waste of time for them, and the whole time they will be rolling their eyes as you talk and thinking “Why am I on the phone”. They will seem distant and uninterested. And if every call is just to set up a date at a restaraunt or to ask for money or gifts … burn it up!
On the flip, if she really likes you (and is mature), she will want to talk to you and return your calls and even initiate a conversation. If her number never comes up on your phone … think about it.
She Pays for Something … Anything
If she is just looking to use you … she will not pay for anything. Also, paying for a man is like a cardinal sin for 90% of women. It doesn’t have to be significant or major, even if its the popcorn and drinks at the movies (which you bought the tickets too) … it is significant. If she offers to by you dinner, then rest easy my friend … she likes you.
She Invites You Over to Spend the Night
You might have sex with her this time, but thats OK. A woman (and most men) don’t want some stranger they don’t like in their house … so if your invited in that means something. If your invited over and then told to spend the night (in the same room), there is a chance that she likes you. Someone who doesn’t want you in their living space and always wants to meet at Ruth’s Chris (or some equally pricey restaurant or bar) … is probably playing you. Drop her …
She Does Something She Knows Only You Will Like
This is basic and gender neutral, but very significant when done by a woman for a man. A woman is not going to waste her time actual listening to your likes and interests if she does not like you … let alone actually act on them. If she takes to time to buy, arrange, plan, or just find that one thing that is particular to you … good chance she likes you. It also counts if its something that all guys like, but most women hate (that threesome you always wanted).
She Leans In to Kiss You
Very Significant! A woman kissing you is by itself is a sign, because while we think “would I sleep with her” … women think “would I kiss him”. But don’t be fooled, you can surprise her and she may kiss you back out of a feeling of commitment or obligation. If you lean in, but not all the way … and she comes towards you to kiss you … thats powerful. That means she wants to kiss you, and likes you enough to let actually come to you.
This one is for the guys. Take these … use them … and feel free to add, argue, or call bullsh*t on anything I have to say … but at the end of the day … if she shows all 5 … 95% she actually likes you and isn’t trying to play you.
Sadly, a large portion of the female population aren’t quite as perfect. Its easy that the girl your talking to or spending time & money on doesn’t really like you, but just wants attention, your money, or a Fake Ass Boyfriend. I touched on this before with Indicators of Interest, but this is the cheat sheet. Its important to weed them out (unless they are sleeping with you … cause aint nothing wrong with a “Friend With Benefits”) … so here are 5 little tips to help weed them out.
She Actually Calls You Without Asking for Something
Women hate calling men they don’t like. Its a waste of time for them, and the whole time they will be rolling their eyes as you talk and thinking “Why am I on the phone”. They will seem distant and uninterested. And if every call is just to set up a date at a restaraunt or to ask for money or gifts … burn it up!
On the flip, if she really likes you (and is mature), she will want to talk to you and return your calls and even initiate a conversation. If her number never comes up on your phone … think about it.
She Pays for Something … Anything
If she is just looking to use you … she will not pay for anything. Also, paying for a man is like a cardinal sin for 90% of women. It doesn’t have to be significant or major, even if its the popcorn and drinks at the movies (which you bought the tickets too) … it is significant. If she offers to by you dinner, then rest easy my friend … she likes you.
She Invites You Over to Spend the Night
You might have sex with her this time, but thats OK. A woman (and most men) don’t want some stranger they don’t like in their house … so if your invited in that means something. If your invited over and then told to spend the night (in the same room), there is a chance that she likes you. Someone who doesn’t want you in their living space and always wants to meet at Ruth’s Chris (or some equally pricey restaurant or bar) … is probably playing you. Drop her …
She Does Something She Knows Only You Will Like
This is basic and gender neutral, but very significant when done by a woman for a man. A woman is not going to waste her time actual listening to your likes and interests if she does not like you … let alone actually act on them. If she takes to time to buy, arrange, plan, or just find that one thing that is particular to you … good chance she likes you. It also counts if its something that all guys like, but most women hate (that threesome you always wanted).
She Leans In to Kiss You
Very Significant! A woman kissing you is by itself is a sign, because while we think “would I sleep with her” … women think “would I kiss him”. But don’t be fooled, you can surprise her and she may kiss you back out of a feeling of commitment or obligation. If you lean in, but not all the way … and she comes towards you to kiss you … thats powerful. That means she wants to kiss you, and likes you enough to let actually come to you.
This one is for the guys. Take these … use them … and feel free to add, argue, or call bullsh*t on anything I have to say … but at the end of the day … if she shows all 5 … 95% she actually likes you and isn’t trying to play you.
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