WORDS OF WISDOM....

"to avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be ... nothing."

-Elbert Green Hubbard

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS...THE WAY TO GO??

We live in a society where greater than 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and a great proportion of those are due to cheating. A recent report published in the Journal of Sex Research, claimed almost a third of partners who said they were monogamous had in fact slept with someone outside of the relationship. And some behavioral scientists claim that monogamy is indeed unnatural. Some would argue that it appears monogamy isn’t working for people. And if it truly isn’t, many debate whether open relationships are the way to go.

An open relationship is one in which a couple agree to be together, but also agree to have romantic or sexual relationships with additional people. There are no set rules when it comes to open relationships. It’s basically up to the couple to determine the boundaries of acceptable behavior.

Many have opposed the idea of open relationships, and condemned people that practice them, claiming that the lifestyle is simply for the “selfish” and “immature.” And many people in open relationships assert that they have a better grasp on love and reality, unlike their monogamous counterparts that secretly cheat, deceive, and pretend to be monogamous. For an unmarried individual like myself, I wonder if those really are the only two choices: 1. Be in a monogamous relationship where someone secretly strays from time to time or 2. Be in an open relationship.

The topic of open relationships is definitely a hot button issue for people- especially those that have been cheated on. And while monogamous relationships aren’t convention, there are many couples that have had successful open relationships. For example, iconic couple Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis admitted to having an open marriage. And when asked to explain their rationale for that type of relationship, the late Ossie replied: “It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it — that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished — as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease.”

But it didn’t just end there. Interestingly enough, Ossie also went on to say this: “Looking back, I’d say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves…Sex is fine, but love is better. That’s the most important part of being free. In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now…not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other diseases.”

It sounds like a lot of us could learn from Ossie and Ruby. And after reading what they had to say about love and marriage, I’ll say this: If I ever get married, my goal is to have the type of relationship that Ruby and Ossie shared- an honest, happy, and healthy one. I’m a romantic, but I’m also a realist. I don’t believe that people who expect monogamy are unrealistic; and I don’t believe that people who desire multiple lovers are selfish. No matter the type of relationship that you choose, whether your relationship is successful all boils down to how honest you choose to be with yourself and your partner. There are pros and cons to both types of relationships, monogamous or open.

Can open relationships work? Yes. Is monogamy too much to ask? No. I have my own opinions about relationships- some of them conventional, others not so conventional. And for those that simply argue that open relationships are better because monogamy doesn’t come naturally, I will say this: Even if monogamy doesn’t come naturally to our species, this doesn’t mean that honesty doesn’t as well. Monogamy may not be a choice- but honesty is. And regardless of what type of relationship you ultimately choose, each will take a foundation of mutual respect and open communication. If you don’t have that, any relationship will fail.

What are your thoughts on open relationships? Why do you think people cheat instead of being honest with their partner?

http://madamenoire.com/44060/open-relationships-is-it-the-way-to-go/

HOT NEW MUSIC......FOOL FOR YOU...

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BOYS GROW UP WITHOUT FATHERS.....A CRYING SHAME

YOUR APPEARANCE AFFECTS YOUR PAYCHECK.....(I TOLD YOU SO)

How successful you become is mostly up to you. Success also depends on how you're perceived by others. Numerous studies have shown looks can impact career advancement.

Some say physical appearance matters even more to employers than a cover letter.

Researchers have found that facial structure, hair color, and weight all can affect our paychecks. We can't help our genes, but some of them may be helping us more than others.

Here are a a list of physical attributes that boost careers

If you're a 6-foot tall male

Men who are at least 6' tall make an average salary of $5,525 more than their shorter, 5'5 counterparts, says Harvard University. Another study polled half of all the Fortune 500 companies about the height of their CEOs. On average, male CEOs were three inches taller than the average man at just under 6'.

If you're a skinny woman New York University sociologist Dalton Conley conducted a study and discovered that a woman's weight negatively impacts her household income and "job prestige." In fact, a 1% increase in body mass results in a 0.6 percentage point decrease in family income.

Another study by Jay Zagorsky titled "Health and Wealth" found that Caucasian women get the most financial slack for higher weight, seeing their wealth drop 12%. In comparison, African-American women who are overweight only see a 7% drop. Men weren't affected.

If you're a woman who's three inches taller than her colleagues

For every three inches taller than average they are, women earn 5 to 8 percent more money than women of average height.

If you're symmetrical

Have one eye that's smaller than the other? It could be costing you some of your paycheck. Symmetry is perhaps the greatest sign of perceived beauty, and people who are attractive make a considerable amount more than everyone else.

If you smile a lot

Rick Wilson of Rice University studied "Fiscal Attraction." He found a correlation between good looks and success. In particular, the better a person looks, the more other people trust them, and trust is a quality most leaders possess. One of his findings also showed that subjects ranked people who were smiling as more trustworthy than people with straight faces.

If you're attractive

Yale's Daniel Hamermesh conducted a study, “Beauty in the Labor Market.” He found that people with above average looks typically received premiums in pay of 5% or more, and that less attractive people "suffered a salary penalty of up to 9%." Hamermesh also writes that attractive men earn 9% more than unattractive men, and attractive women earn 4% more than unattractive women.

But not if you're too attractive

Normally, being pretty is a good thing. It's been proven time and time again that attractive people make more money. Cute babies are held and played with more than others, teachers have higher expectations in the classroom for good-looking children, and hiring decisions are made largely (but often subconsciously) on looks.

One study, Physical Attractiveness Bias In Hiring, shows that beauty can be beastly. When women apply for jobs typically handled by men, they are discriminated against. One of the researchers says, ""In these professions [such as manager of research and development, director of finance, mechanical engineer and construction supervisor], being attractive was highly detrimental to women," said Johnson. This was only the case for women. Extraordinarily attractive men weren't found to be discriminated against.

If you have hair on your head but not on your face

According to The Times, "facial hair has long been considered a potential blight on career advancement." They report the results of a survey: "60% of businessmen without beards or moustaches feel that these features are a bad sign. Some feel that the person can’t be bothered to shave and others that they are hiding something."

63% of men also report that hair loss or balding has negatively affected their careers. US News and World Report discusses how plastic surgery can boost careers, in particular hair implants. "In the corporate world, there's a lot of emphasis on image, and image goes with self-confidence," says Antonio Armani, a Beverly Hills, Calif., cosmetic surgeon who specializes in hair transplants. "I think a lot of people do invest money in improving their looks because they feel this is one way they can go up the corporate ladder."

The American Academy of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery also reported that two thirds of its members, both men and women, wanted cosmetic surgery because they wanted to "remain competitive in the workplace."

If you're a woman who wears makeup

According to TheGlassHammer, a website designed for women executives, "there is strong statistical evidence to show that women who wear make-up in business get better jobs and are promoted more quickly." And a survey reported in The Times shows that "64 per cent of directors said that women who wore make-up look more professional and 18 per cent of directors said that women who do not wear make-up “look like they can’t be bothered to make an effort”.

If you dress conservatively

Harvard Business Review writes about how dressing professionally and conservatively can advance careers: "Women, in particular, believed that dressing the part was a vital factor in attaining success: 53% of them felt aspiring female execs needed to toe a very conservative line, avoiding flashy make-up, plunging necklines, too-short or too-tight skirts, and long fingernails — exactly the sort of sartorial no-nos UBS spelled out. "Indeed, half the women surveyed and 37% of the men considered appearance and EP to be intrinsically linked; they understood that if you don't look the part of a leader, you're not likely to be given the role.

Far from imagining that appearance is a personal matter, they perceived that looking well-turned-out engenders self confidence, a trait they considered the bedrock of authentic leaders."

If you have great posture

According to Harvard Business School's study, "Power Posing: Brief Nonverbal Displays Affect Neuroendocrine Levels and Risk Tolerance," sitting in a position that oozes confidence (i.e. legs up on your desk, chest puffed out, or leaning forward) will make people deem you powerful.

Why?

It raises testosterone levels by roughly 20% and lowers the stress hormone cortisol by the same. The reverse is also true. If you slouch, cross your legs, or look weak, it works against you. Sitting powerfully for just two minutes can make a psychological difference.

According to the study, "High-power posers were more likely than low-power posers to focus on rewards— 86.36% took an offered gambling risk (only 13.63% were risk averse). In contrast, only 60% of the low-power posers took the risk (and 40% were risk averse).

Finally, high-power posers reported feeling significantly more “powerful” and “in charge.”

BLACK IS BEAUTY.....ART IN MOTION....

THROWBACK.....I MISS THE 90'S

Tackling a pretty common issue by using comedy and an all-star cast, Tracey E. Edmonds and T.D. Jakes joined forces for Jumping the Broom. The movie deals with a couple who’s families are from different socioeconomic backgrounds, and how they interact when the lovebirds plan their wedding in Martha’s Vineyard.

The film’s impressive line-up features Paula Patton, Laz Alonso, Angela Bassett, Loretta Divine, Mike Epps, Meagan Good, and Romeo Miller, and hits theaters on Mother’s Day, May 6, 2011.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT....

WHAT DOES A HOE WHO GETS MARRIED TURN INTO...?

A MARRIED HOE

YOU STILL CAN'T TURN A HOE INTO A HOUSEWIFE....

"I'LL TAKE YOUR MAN..."

A new study conducted by two social psychologists at Oklahoma State University has proven what many women have been claiming for years. The study contained in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology revealed experimental evidence that single women are particularly drawn to other people’s partners, according to The New York Times. Noting that single women often complain that “all the good men are taken,” the psychologists wondered if “this perception is really based on the fact that taken men are perceived as good.” --BB

Read more: http://www1.essence.com/relationships/men/articles/ill_take_your_man_new_study_sheds_light#ixzz1EhehfciX

THE MALE "HOUSEWIVES" OF ATL....FAKE, PHONY PEACHES OF ATL....

Have you noticed that Bravo's The Real Housewives of Atlanta has become more of the Gay Friends of the Atlanta Housewives? These flamboyant man-peaches are not really my type of eye candy I want to see on the show. Now maybe if they showed more of Peter and Apollo then my eyes would be glued to the television. To my surprise I was emailed a video clip of this show called The Life: Atlanta on youtube and I just had to get more info on the show.

BEAUTY IS HIS NAME....

NEWS ON AIDS AND BLACK WOMEN....

Scientists have been trying out different forms of microbicides for some 15 years. Those tests, which were publicly funded for the most part, have failed to stop HIV transmission. But at last summer’s International AIDS Conference, South African researchers unveiled a clear, odorless, flavorless gel form of the HIV-fighting drug tenofovir that women can insert into their vaginas with a plastic applicator. In their multi-year trial of nearly 900 sexually active South African teens and women ages 18 to 40, those who used the gel 12 hours before and after sex reduced their risk of contracting HIV by up to 54 percent. (The gel also reduced participants’ risk of contracting herpes by 51 percent; that’s important because having herpes doubles the risk of contracting HIV.) If a second trial is successful, microbicides could hit the global market as soon as 2014.

That’s a scientific victory that’s been hailed as a potential turning point in the global epidemic, but it will also be of particular importance to black folks in the United States, who make up nearly half of all new HIV infections but only 13 percent of the population. And black women—who are most often infected through sex with men—are 15 times more likely to be diagnosed with HIV than white women. Among AIDS cases in women ages 13 to 24, black women make up a staggering 62 percent. This Monday was National Black HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, which is meant to call attention to these disparities.

This year marks 30 years since this epidemic officially began. During that time, it’s become an increasingly black one for many complicated reasons. As Kai Wright wrote earlier this week, HIV preys upon poverty globally, and poverty rates are remarkably high in black America. So are rates for myriad other preventable health problems—why should we expect HIV to be any different? Studies have long established that black people overall have less access to care than other Americans, and that the care they get is poorer. That poor care echoes through HIV in many ways—less testing so folks don’t know they’re positive and, thus, are less likely to protect their partners; more undiagnosed STDs among young women in particular, which spikes the likelihood of HIV infection.

Then there’s the tipping point theory. HIV, like other infectious diseases, spreads exponentially—in close-knit communities like many black neighborhoods, the more infection that’s out there, the more new infections there will be. And all of that’s before you get to the many social factors that conspire with poverty, incarceration rates and misinformation to fuel the fire.

In short, black America could stand some help from prevention science. Enter, microbicides.

“For 20 plus years, HIV prevention initiatives to address women’s and girls’ distinct vulnerability to HIV has been based on having them be ‘empowered [enough]’ to get their sexual partners to put a condom on a sex organ that is not their own,” says Tracie Gardner, the founder and coordinator of the Women’s Initiative to Stop HIV/AIDS NY at the New York City-based Legal Action Center. “Because this is inherently backwards, we should not be surprised that in 2011 black women and girls bear a disproportionate burden of HIV/AIDS in this country and all over the world.”

Black girls and young women are growing up in an era still defined by misinformation about sex—abstinence-only education alongside a hyper-sexualized media; the AIDS-as-chronic-manageable-disease assumption; the constant drumbeat about the threat of so-called “down low” black men; the related and ever-present cultural obsession with the alleged dearth of eligible black men. In this chaos, an easy-to-use HIV prevention method that doesn’t require sophisticated negotiation and communication skills is critical.

Tarana Burke, who has done in-depth sexuality and self-esteem workshops with African-American girls ages 12 to 18 in Selma, Ala., and Philadelphia, says she would incorporate an effective microbicide into her curriculum if one became available. Her girls, as she calls them, are dealing with an onslaught of adult-sized problems, from familial sexual abuse to physically abusive boyfriends to lack of consistent health care to cripplingly low self-esteem due to colorism. Of particular concern, says Burke, the co-founder of a grassroots girls-centered organization called JustBEInc., are the advances of grown men who “manipulate and exploit” her already-vulnerable girls.

“In my workshops, I’ve had girls who are literally being paid for sex,” says Burke. “I’ll never forget one 14-year-old I taught who admitted that she was meeting up with a 20-year-old man once a week at a hotel. He would pay her cell phone bill, get her nails and hair done, and take her to the Olive Garden; she would have [unprotected] sex with him. That manipulation is too common among the girls I’ve worked with.”

In this kind of situation, it’s easy to imagine how all the efforts in the world to empower a young woman to insist upon condoms wouldn’t get far.

“For too many [black] women, especially those living below the poverty line, the mere act of saying, ‘Look dude, you need to use a condom’ and that actually happening, isn’t a reality,” says Kellee Terrell, an HIV/AIDS activist and the news editor for TheBody.com. “To have this gel that a woman could discreetly inject could give her some sexual autonomy.”

Disproportionate HIV risk isn’t limited to black girls and young women. African American women over 50 are among the fastest growing populations living with HIV and AIDS. And many 50-plus women are also making decisions that make them vulnerable to the virus.

Take Brenda, 64, an HIV-negative Philadelphia retiree who recently became engaged to a truck driver five years her junior. For the first three months of their relationship, he refused sex saying he wanted to wait until marriage. But Brenda insisted. “I got tested before we were intimate to show him that I was clean. It was like, ‘See, I’m free of disease. I don’t have shit. Give me some please,’ ” she jokes. When she and her beau finally had sex, they used condoms.

But while Brenda scheduled an HIV test for her man at a local black AIDS service organization, he never got around to it. Then, once they got engaged, they started having condom-free sex. “I know it sounds foolish, but for me it’s a trust thing,” she admits. “I know the stereotype about truck drivers—that they pay for sex. And I know all about AIDS, but I know that he’s being monogamous and that he’s not wild.”

For women like Brenda, an effective microbicide wouldn’t be a magic bullet. It wouldn’t address the underlying emotional factors or guarantee that she’d stay HIV free. But they would certainly give her another tool to protect herself without suggesting she doesn’t trust her fiancee. And that, says Gardner, is the point here.

“The same way we pushed and won acknowledgment of the drugs that interrupt [mother to child] HIV transmission and the clean syringe to interrupt HIV transmission due to inject drugs, we must prioritize the research on and advocacy of microbicides. To continue the silence on this means that black women and girls don’t matter and that no one cares about them. That is unacceptable to me.”

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO CATCH THIS MESSAGE.....WOOOWWWW

RETURN OF THE PYT....2011 EDITION...

CREATIVE WEDNESDAY....THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT....

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY....AGAIN

Valentine Smile

On Valentine's Day we think of those
Who make our lives worthwhile,
Those gracious, friendly people who
We think of with a smile.


I am fortunate to know you,
That's why I want to say,
To a rare and special person:
Happy Valentine's Day!


By Joanna Fuchs

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.....

FEEL GOOD MUSIC....

ON BEING DIFFERENT....(FROM UNTILIGETMARRIED.COM)

All women are different. All of them. I have dated a lot of women in my time and never once was one woman just like the previous one. They’re all different. They are different sizes, have different voices, said different things, looked different, acted different, walked different, said my name different.

As a matter of fact, I can honestly say, the only thing that makes women not different from each other, the one thing that makes me say, “This woman is just like the last woman I dated” is the woman who tells me she’s different. Soon as she says that, I automatically put her in this big box of women and on the box it says “SAME”.

To be clear, I know men say it too. “I’m not like those other guys.” As a matter of fact, let me be perfectly honest and say, I said it to a friend of mine the other day when she was asking me for dating advice. I prefaced it by saying, “Look, what I’m going to tell you, it’s not what other guys will tell you. I’m different.”

So there we go, guilty. Any room in the “SAME” box for me?

But I think most men are more aware of how they’re alike too and that’s where I begin to see the differences between men and women. A lot of men will pride themselves on being nothing like the next man, but they definitely will admit some of the things they want are the same things all men want. Even a man who owns cats will admit dog is a man’s best friend.

Women, on the other hand, not so much. They all know diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I always seem to meet a woman who wants to boast about how she doesn’t want any jewelry. Fine with us men. We appreciate any woman who enjoys the simple things, but I would never fault a woman who asked me for some jewelry for her birthday or Christmas. I don’t care if my woman said she has no need for jewelry in her life, if I bought her jewelry, she needs to act like I bought her some jewelry.

These girls who I meet at the club who like to tell me they don’t usually go to the club, give me a headache. It’s like a person standing over a dead body with a bloody knife in their hand saying they usually don’t kill people. Okay, fine, they usually don’t kill people, but guess what they just did? Exactly. So just because a woman isn’t the type of woman that goes to the club doesn’t mean she needs to stand around looking like she’s at a funeral. That’s not sexy. No man wants to be around the woman who doesn’t like to go to the club at the club. They’ll see her at, I don’t know, maybe a funeral?

I think what this all comes down to is about attitude. A woman who proudly proclaims how unique and different she is understands her actions show such qualities. Every woman who I have ever approached has some quality unique to her, and she didn’t have to tell it to me or show it to me because I saw it on my own and more importantly, I want to discover more of those qualities. I don’t want to be reminded of them all the time.

Women love to call a man out and tell him he can’t treat her a certain way because she’s not like all the other girls he used to date. What they fail to understand is the way he treats a woman is on him, and not necessarily a direct reflection of the woman he’s dating. Ladies don’t need to be concerned with the way he treated the last woman. They don’t even need to bring it up, because it’s water under the bridge. Instead, a woman needs to worry about how a man is treating her. Understand she has with him an opportunity to be treated differently than before because she is with a man who sees her like no other man does. If it turns out she feels differently, thinks her man is just going through the motions and treating her like he treats anyone else, she should combat that by doing something not many women do. Leave. Now that would be different.

THE BEAUTY OF GROWTH AND EVOLUTION....

The beauty of a growth and evolution in relationships mean when I stop holding your hand everywhere we go, you don't trip because you realize when I lay you on top of me when I'm reading a book or when I cook you dinner after I long day at work, that's bigger than holding your hand.

SOME GOOD ADVICE....TAKE IT WHERE YOU CAN GET IT....

Only a fool solicits and listens to advice from people who themselves do not make good decisions

1. is a bad judge of character
2. makes bad choices when it comes to their own relationships
3. has never been in a "good" relationship
...
This is in respect to ALL OTHER AREAS OF LIFE, ie, money management, dating, exercise/dieting choices, etc.

REAL MEN ARE NEVER SCARED TO DATE WOMEN WITH CHILDREN....

This will happen to the best of us.

We will meet someone and be swept off our feet by them. The chemistry will be there, the attraction will be there, and everything about the chance encounter will feel right. You will ask for her number, or for some type of contact information so you can stay in touch. She will oblige.

Days later, you will use this contact information to ask her out on a date. She will say yes, but before she does, she has something to tell you. She has a child. She wants you to know that now, before she even says yes to the date. This is not to say her child is an issue or has anything to do with whether or not she accepts your invitation for a date, but before date one even begins, and just in case you two have a fantastic time, she wants you to know she’s single, yes, but she’s also a mother. And now it’s your move.

The move I made was to go out on the date anyway. I was only 20 years old, young and care free enough to not making her having a child be an issue. Her being a mother wasn’t an issue. She was a single mother, but very stable. Her child wasn’t a baby, so years before we met, she made and handled all the adjustments a parent has to make to raising their child on their own.

So we went out on our date. And it was indeed fantastic. Days later we went out on another date. And another date. And another date. All the while, I never rushed or pushed to meet her daughter. I didn’t avoid it either, or refuse to broach the subject. I can honestly say, it never even came up. Not for a while. The only time she brought up the goings on of her daughter was when she was recapping her day, and every once in a while, if we were talking on the phone, I would hear her in the background.

Eventually, after a lot of discussions, I met her daughter. I’d like to say we did it the right way, but I would be lying, which is not to say we did it the wrong way. We just, well, we did it the awkward way.

About four weeks into seeing each other, this woman and I were getting serious with one another and started playing with fire. Whereas in the beginning we only saw each other when her daughter was visiting her father or grandparents, I started coming over after she put her daughter to bed. Late night visits were fine, but they started becoming overnight visits, where we would sleep on the couch and I would leave before her daughter woke up. We took these risks because when two people are in the throes of a promising new relationship, they do some uncomfortable things for just a taste of comfort with one another, like, sleep on a couch all night together in the clothes we wore all day.

So this is what we did for a couple of weeks, until, the early morning I won’t ever forget.

In my lifetime of doing things I perhaps shouldn’t be doing, I have been caught red handed a couple of times. All of those moments were uncomfortable, but none of them compared to being caught sleeping uncomfortably on the couch with this little girl’s mother in the clothes we wore all day. I heard her small voice say, “Mommy” and it startled me. Not in the, “What is that?” sense, because I knew exactly what it was. I knew where I was and who I was with, what time of day it was and who was asking for her mother. The mother woke up just as quickly, hopped off the couch, and rushed her child upstairs.I sat on the couch, thinking heavily, while waiting for my lady friend to come downstairs. After about 15 minutes, she appeared looking nervous, so I self-medicated myself to get the nervous off my face.

“Well, I’m sure that wasn’t part of the plan,” I said.

“No it wasn’t,” she said.

We looked at each other with apologies on our faces, kissed, and then said goodbye.

Later that day, the two of us talked on the phone but not so much about what happened that morning. We talked about what to do next. I told her I was serious about her and so I would be serious about meeting her daughter. Again, I wsa 20-years-old, so the newness of this situation didn’t phase. My lady friend was 28 at the time, so she had been through this maybe once or twice, I don’t know. I never asked. But I could tell she was hesitant and rightfully so. I reassured I wasn’t asking to be a part of her daughter’s life so much as I was asking to be introduced to her daughter. Just an introduction. I knew it would open a can of worms later, but I was only worried about the now of it all. She said she had to think about it, and she took the day to do so.

The next day she called me with dinner plans at her place, and said her daughter would be there. All that care-free attitude I had before about the situation the minute she extended the invitation. I thought I was way in over my head. I have always been awkward around children. I just never felt like I had that thing the people who are good with kids have and I didn’t see this being any different. But I really liked this woman a lot, and I wanted to be with her, so I knew this was a part of the process.

Of all the dinners I have ever went on, I was never more nervous than this one. Still none have compared. I remember giving myself a headache over what to wear and what I would say and how I would present myself. The child was six at the time, but I was acting like she was the most important six year old in the world.

When I arrived, I was greeted at the door by my girl, and then properly introduced to her little girl. IT went smoothly enough, as did dinner. So smoothly in fact, there really isn’t much to recap here. I can just move on to the next part of this story, which was my ex and I ended up staying together for a year and a half.

The relationship was great as was the relationship with her daughter. I never felt like a step-father to the girl, but I was always very aware of the responsibility I had to both of them whenever we stepped out of the house together. I knew if anything bad happened at any given moment, and I was with them, the order of people to be removed from the danger would be woman and child first, then me. That’s how I was raised, and even though I wasn’t raising this little girl, there was a part of me that cared very much what she thought of me. I didn’t know how long her mother and I would be together, but I knew of the time we spent, the three of us, I had an opportunity to show the both of them what a good man looked like.

When the mother and I finally ended things, it wasn’t dramatic, it just had to end for reasons I can’t really recall right now. I do know to this day the mother and I remain friends, albeit distantly. She was a major part of my life and I know I was a major part of hers, though I don’t know if I was a major part of her daughter’s. But when the mother and I talk, I still ask about her, and the mother says she’s doing fine. Occasionally I tell the mother to tell her daughter I said hello and I hear her daughter in the background say hello back.

If there is such a thing as happy endings, I would like to believe this story was one of them. Far too often, those of us who don’t have kids discredit the person who does have kids. We think they’re not right for us, but maybe, we’re not right for them. When I think about the relationship I had with a woman who is a mother, that’s where I made my mistake. I was in over my head at an age where I shouldn’t have been, and coincidentally, it’s the same mistake I made with a lot of women I dated when I was younger. So what’s really the difference between a woman with kids and a woman without kids? I’m sure there is one, but I never saw it. All I saw back then was a woman I liked and doing whatever I needed to do in order to be with her. And if I could do it over again, I most definitely would.

from: http://untiligetmarried.com

TUESDAY INSPIRATION....BEACH SEASON IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER....

FOOD FOR THOUGHT....

You can love what a person represents to you without loving who the person truly is.

(That's the shit when you wake up one day and realize you don't know the person you are in a relationship with.)

THIS JUST IN..... NO WORDS NEEDED....

MAN SHOT DEAD AT QUE FRATERNITY PARTY IN OHIO...

Ohio — Two men were arrested Sunday in connection with a shooting that left an Ohio university student dead and 11 other people wounded, police said.

The men, 19 and 22, were arrested without incident and with help from the FBI, Youngstown Police Chief Jimmy Hughes said. Their names were not released.

Neither has yet been charged, but Hughes said police are not looking for any other suspects.

Police said Jamail Johnson, 25, of Girard, Ohio, was killed in the shooting at a house just off the campus of Ohio’s Youngstown State University. He was shot once in the back of the head and several times in the lower body, Dr. Joseph Ohr, a forensic pathologist at the Mahoning County Coroner’s Office, told CNN.

The shooting happened at a house where members of the Omega Psi Phi fraternity were holding a party, Hughes said.

NO MAN WHOULD EVER APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING A GREAT MOTHER......

Anyone who reads this blog knows how important my mother is to me, so when I’m done with today’s post, I’m not reading the comments. And Mom, I know you’re reading this too, so I suggest you avoid reading the comments section as well. I want people to comment freely, but admittedly, this is a sensitive subject. The only reason I’m writing about it is because well, I’d be lying if I were to write about anything else. This is all I’m thinking about.

If I had it my way, my Mom would not need to transfer one dime over into my account. The only type of support I would ever need from her would be emotional and motivational. But that’s not my reality, and I don’t think it’s ever been if I can be completely honest.

The older I got, the more disappointed I became in myself for receiving help from my mother in any way. Because I’m her first born, she’s always doted on me, always went above and beyond any measure to help me out. Just the other day, we were casually talking about cooking, and I said I needed a sautée pan in my life. It was just a casual observation, there was no hidden hint in my tone, nothing to suggest a dire need for such a thing. And two days later in my inbox was a link to zappos.com and a sautee pan, I ignored it until my mom called me later that day and asked me if I saw it. When I told her I did, she asked me what I thought and if I wanted her to order it. I had to explain to her I didn’t need it right away and if I do I’ll try to get it on my own.

So that is just the most recent example of what type of mom I have. She is, as my friend described to me, a “mom’s mom”. Maybe it’s the Puerto Rican woman in her, or maybe she is just like a million other mothers who want to see her children happy and will do everything, even things like offer to buy a sautee pan, to see that happen. I really don’t know what it is, but I know I’m not about to make any apologies for it.

A woman I once dated said my mom enables me. I had to look that word up. Then I went off. When I was a kid, a friend of mine once said my mom spoils me, and I responded by punching him in the face. I’m one of those guys who can crack “your mama” jokes with the best of them, so go ahead and bring on your own, but the minute a person starts saying anything about me and my mom’s relationship or what kind of mother my mom is towards me, I’ll fight. And I know that may come off as defensive, but everyone has their fighting words, right? Any words on the relationship between my mother and I are mine.

The criticism that irks me the most is when it comes from the opposite sex. Even when I hear women talk about other men and their relationships with their mothers, something about their tone makes me want to shut them up. A woman who has something to say about the relationship my mother has with me never lasts long in my life primarily because I don’t think my mom is ever going to change, and therefore the criticism will never cease. I’ll be damned if I spend the rest of my life with someone who has a problem with a woman who will support me for the rest of her life.

I think some women get it confused. They don’t know the difference between a mama’s boy and a mother’s son. A mama’s boy is a classic case of the Oedipus complex. He wants his mom to be his woman and no one else to have her. A mother’s son wants his mother to find a man to make her happy if she doesn’t have one. Before my mom met my step-dad met, I never gave her a hard time when she went out on a date. If anything, I spent many a night praying she would find someone who gave her the happiness she deserved because I knew one day I, the lone man in the house, would be gone. A mother’s son does everything he can to make sure his mom is happy not just being his mom, but being her own woman.

A mama’s boy is someone who needs their mother for everything, whereas a mother’s son, needs his mother when he has no one else to turn to.

When I told my sister about my recent job situation, she told me to tell my mother almost immediately, but I wanted to get everything as squared way as I could, before I did so. I wanted to understand what kind of position I was in, assess my potential prospects and figure out what it would take for me to support myself. Once I had all that squared away, then I told my mother, and of course, nothing I said made her feel comfortable with the idea of me not having a job, but I told her it would be okay. I promised her it would be, and as her mother’s son, I’m going to do everything short of selling drugs to see that I live up to the promise. But if I can’t, after I have exhausted the possibilities, I will have no problem letting my mother know, and why should any woman in my life have a problem with that? No, it doesn’t make me feel good to ask my mom for some help, but why must a woman feel the same way? Your man, yes, but my mom.

If men have to deal with women who had fathers that weren’t there, women have to deal with men who have mothers that were. I don’t say that to be mean or to be cruel, but in some way or another, we’re all affected by our parent’s shortcomings, and we bring those issues into our relationship, unfairly so. And I’m wondering, when we actually have no issues with our parents, when we were raised by parents who loved us hard when we were growing up and continue to do so has adults, what’s the beef then? Why is it a problem? If I date a woman who has a father who dotes on her or a mother who does, I don’t get jealous, I step up to be an addition to that support system.

When it comes to taking care of me, I would never bother comparing my mother’s treatment of me to my woman’s. I don’t want my woman to do anything like my mother except for maybe cook tacos like her. Other than that, she’s free to be the woman she wants to be. But when that times comes for us to have a family together, I will hold my children’s mother to the standard by which I was raised. And I would even apply the same standard to myself. I can’t let all that good parenting I was raised under go to waste!

Right now, nothing in my career is where I want it to be, ditto for my finances. Things are about to get real, and it’s going to be a struggle for me. I have no plans at all to lean on my mother to get myself out of the mess I’m in, but if my mom decided to do so, I’ll be damned if I make any apologies for it. I’m my mother’s son. Get over it.

from:http://untiligetmarried.com

ART IN LIVING COLOR.....FAR AWAY

YOU KNOW YOUR AN 80'S BABY WHEN YOUR MOMS GOT YOU THESE.....

Highlights for Children (referred as simply Highlights) is an American children's magazine. It began publication in June 1946, started by Garry Cleveland Myers and his wife Caroline Clark Myers in Honesdale, Pennsylvania (the present location of its editorial office). They both worked for another children's magazine, Children's Activities, for 12 years before leaving to start Highlights. The company is presently based in Columbus, Ohio, and owns book publishers Zaner-Bloser and Boyds Mills Press. Highlights has surpassed a billion copies in print.

CLASSIC FEEL GOOD MUSIC...THROWBACK....

Breaking Up, What It Feels Like For A Man.....(sad but TRUE)

Here’s the first thing we do

Not give a f*ck.

Then cry.

Or not.

But definitely go off on someone for no reason.

Like at all.

If it was one of those really bad breakups.

Something like one of us got caught doing something we shouldn’t have been doing.

We hurt.

Whether we’re the victim or the culprit.

We hurt.

So now it’s recovery time.

Putting the pieces back together, trying to make sense of the mess we made time.

Here’s how a man does it.

We play a lot of Madden and think about how when we were with our girl, we played a lot of Madden.

At least Madden doesn’t talk back.

Sometimes it doesn’t let us beat a team we know we’re better than, but that’s a different kind of pain.

Back to the pain of dealing with a break up.

It’s something women never think about. Never think a man is hurting.

They be thinking we actually wanted to be single.

On some, “Isn’t that what every man wants?” type deal.

We fight to stay together

She be like

Watch

Soon as gets through this, he’s going to enjoy his freedom.

First drunk night he has

Watch

First drunk night he has, he wants to drunk dial her and say “F*ck you”

The only reason why I’m out in these streets drinking

And buying drinks for girls with last names I don’t know

Is because of you

Just because he’s not in bed, sick, doesn’t mean he’s fine.

Usually around 10:00 pm, it gets bad.

He knows he’s not about to get any sleep for a good five hours.

He be thinking about her one minute.

He be thinking about how to not think about her the next.

You women need to understand.

Dudes may like to be single.

But dudes don’t like breaking up.

Not ever.

FROM: http://untiligetmarried.com

GOOD LOOK FOR TYLER PERRY....ALEX CROSS IS THE MAN....

Tyler Perry has signed on to play the role of Alex Cross -- the crime-solving D.C. detective in James Patterson's seemingly never-ending series of popular novels -- in a new movie called "I, Alex Cross."

The Wrap and other outlets have confirmed the news, which gives Perry a high-profile starring role in a movie that is not a Perry production. Until now, the filmmaker has primarily tackled two major movie parts: Terry, the perfect husband in his "Why Did I Get Married?" movies, and Madea. You know Madea. She hosted a family reunion. And later, she went to jail. (For the record, Perry also appeared briefly in J.J. Abrams's "Star Trek.")

So can Perry pull off Alex Cross, a role previously played onscreen by Morgan Freeman in "Kiss the Girls" and "Along Came a Spider"? And in a related question, what happened to Idris Elba, who at one time looked all set to take on the investigative role? He even sounded kind of excited about it during an interview over the summer, but apparently the deal must have fallen apart.

ADDITIONAL INFO ON ALEX CROSS-

Cross is an African-American detective and psychologist living and working in the Southeast quadrant of Washington, D.C. He works in the homicide division of the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia (MPD), but eventually becomes a Senior Agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). After his stint with the FBI, Alex returns to private psychology practice, but continues to consult for the MPD and the FBI as needed, ultimately rejoining the MPD as a special consultant to the Major Case Squad.

Patterson portrays Dr. Cross as a lonely individual, yet he is a model father and is quite empathetic in dealing with the public. Despite the fact that he is well-educated and makes a decent living, he chooses to continue residing in the Southeast quadrant of D.C. He is very involved in the community, most notably volunteering at St. Anthony's Parish in his neighborhood.

BLACK MEN.....WE ARE NEEDED IN THE CLASSROOMS...

U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan and film director Spike Lee hosted a town hall meeting at Morehouse College Monday and asked African-American male students to seriously consider careers teaching in the nation’s public schools.

Duncan and Lee’s request was part of a broader national teacher recruitment campaign, called TEACH, created by the Department of Education to celebrate and recruit more diverse, highly qualified teachers.

Think about this: Only 1.7 percent of the nation’s 4.8 million public school teachers are black men. Most black boys may never be educated by someone who looks like them, and sadly, some African-American boys will never experience a black male role model in their public school classrooms.

A solution to this crisis is long overdue.

Lee, a graduate of Morehouse, shared his history with education and discussed why African-American male teachers are needed in classrooms today. He told the audience that he is part of a Morehouse legacy: His grandfather graduated Morehouse in 1927, and his father in 1951. His grandmother taught art in Georgia for 50 years and never had a white student because of Jim Crow.

During slavery, Lee reminded, it was a crime to teach black slaves to read and write. “If you were caught, you could be whipped, castrated or hung. And if the massa was having a bad day, it could be all three,” he said.

Too many black teens see only three career paths, Lee said: Sports, rap music or the streets. “Our vision is so narrow,” he said. “Black children have to see more options.”

Monday's town hall meeting comes a week after President Barack Obama's call during his State of the Union address for more Americans to become teachers. And since less than 2 percent of the nation's teachers are African-American males, it made sense for Duncan and Lee to engage black male students, who will soon join millions of other Americans in their search for jobs.

The TEACH campaign encourages more minorities, especially males, to pursue careers in the classroom. Nationwide, more than 35 percent of public school students are African-American or Latino, but less than 15 percent of teachers are.

“With more than 1 million teachers expected to retire in the coming years, we have a historic opportunity to transform public education in America by calling on a new generation to join those already in the classroom,” Duncan said in a statement.

“We are working with the broader education community to strengthen and elevate the entire teaching profession so that every teacher has the support and training they need to succeed," he said. "Education is the great equalizer in America and the civil rights issue of our generation. If you care about promoting opportunity and reducing inequality, the classroom is the place to start.”

Following the town hall meeting Monday, Duncan and "The Tom Joyner Morning Show" contributor Jeff Johnson announced a five-year national initiative to recruit, train and place 80,000 African-American male teachers in classrooms by 2015.

Public school teaching is not for everyone – and, in some cases, not for the faint of heart. Some black men will choose careers that offer heftier paychecks; some won’t have the patience to deal with students and maddening bureaucrats, and others don't want to work in America’s inner cities because of high crime. It’s not politically correct – but it is true.

But Duncan is on a mission. Earlier this year, Duncan visited several historically black colleges and spoke directly with African-American male students about public school teaching. It’s a bold initiative – and comes at a critical time for black America.

“People ask why black males are struggling," Duncan said in an earlier interview with BlackAmericaWeb.com.

“I’ve talked to the first lady about it. I plan to visit black colleges and talk to freshmen and sophomores. I want to talk to them about a call to service."

The bottom line is this: The public school system has failed black males. The graduation rate for African-American boys is abysmal; many black male students drop out early, and they are expelled at a much higher rate than white students. Black boys make up nine percent of public school enrollments, but 20 percent of those identified as mentally challenged.

Some black parents voted for Obama, in part, because they were hoping he could reform America’s troubled public school system and help improve the quality of education for black males.

Duncan, the Obama administration – and now Spike Lee - are trying to bridge the obvious educational divide in America the only way they know how: By appealing directly to young black men, city by city, college by college.

It’s certainly worth the effort.

JUST ONE OF THOSE MOODS....

READING THIS MADE ME REALIZE EVEN MORE.....I LOVE AND CHERISH MY OWN FAMILY.....

So tonight, I leave from my annual holiday visit with my family in California and head back to New York City. For those who follow me on Twitter or see me on Facebook, you can probably tell I had the time of my life. Since I only visit my family once a year, I usually make the trips extended stays. This year was no different, as I’ve been here since December 16.

But now, it’s time to go back to the city I call home. Leaving isn’t bitter sweet. I look forward to going back, being my own man, sleeping in my own apartment, and seeing all my friends, some of whom I also consider family. The other reason I’m leaving with a smile on my face? I have finally lived to see the day when my family is in full bloom.

My peers and I, we’ve become impatient.

All of us.

We want the partner, the house, the kids, all of it right now. But we didn’t wake up with that desire, it’s been in us for years. Like I said a few months ago when I turned 29, I thought by now I’d be fathering at least my first kid, had the high-paying dream job, and the wife to come home to. But here I am, 29 with a low-paying dream job, no kids, and not one hint of a wife in my vicinity. If someone told me 10 years ago that this was the life I would be living, I’d probably be a little disappointed. That’s not what I saw for myself, not what I ordered.

But today, it’s what I have, and I’m not mad about it at all, nor am I in some sort of rush to get there, wherever there is. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the family I have today, it’s that what we want to have may be a lifetime away from us.

The thought occurred to me last week, while I laid sick in bed. It was there I heard a sound unfamiliar coming from the living room. It was the sound of my family and they sounded like something out of The Cosby Show. It was so foreign to me, I almost didn’t recognize it. But when I realized I wasn’t dreaming or going delirious from a fever, I smiled to myself.

My family has been through it all: divorce, unexpected death, separation, feuds, and so many more things that I’m sometimes surprised we didn’t end up on a daytime talk show with all our drama. I grew up seeing family members fight each other, curse each other out, and get their hearts broken.

Even my house, the one I grew up in, is drastically different today from what it was when I lived here full time. It was, much like our family, under constant repair. For years I walked on undone floors, a weeded backyard, and stained carpets. It wasn’t a ran-down shack by any means, it was just constantly unfinished, in need of this and that, almost like a permanent fixer-upper.

But now my house is complete, and what’s so cool to me is, my family is a reflection of it. Not to say we’re finished, but we’ve definitely come full circle.

When I look at my mom and see her sitting on the couch next to my step-dad, a man she met only a few years ago, I think of how long it took for her to get there.

When I look at my younger sister be a mother to my six-month old niece, I think of how many babies she used to take care of for other people, and how long it took for her to get there.

When I see my grandmother be a great-grandmother to my niece, I think of how long it took for her to get there.

When I see my niece’s father make baby faces to his daughter, when I see his son from a previous relationship open up presents alongside my family because he’s in our family too, I think of how long it took for them to get there.

When I take a picture of my grandmother, my mom, my sister, and my niece sitting together at breakfast, I think of how long it took for them to get there.

When I step into a store at the mall with my mom, my sister, my step-dad, and my niece, I think of how long it took for me to get there.

All of this is not to say we were without for so many years. For so many years, it was just me, my mom, and my sister living in this house, and we were definitely a strong family, but much like the house we lived in, we were under construction, adjusting to adjustments we never asked for.

It took my whole life to see those smiles, to see these people, to have this family, and I’m only 29, my sister 26. My grandmother had to wait until her 80s. My mother, her 50s. My step-dad, his 40s. It took them their whole lives too, but hey, we’re all here now. As I like to say, it’s not all blood, but it is all love.

Now when I come home to my mom and step-dad’s house, it looks finished, nothing like the house I grew up in and everything like the house I would love to have a family in. When I fly back home tonight, I know the place I’m going to is both figuratively and literally thousands of miles away from the place I just left, but I’ll get there one day. Even if it takes me a lifetime, I’ll get there, and once I arrive, I won’t think of how long it took me. I’ll be too busy enjoying where I end up.

FROM: http://untiligetmarried.com

CLASSIC EDDIE MURPHY....GOTTA LOVE HIM....

WORD OF THE DAY....EPIPHANY....

("manifestation, striking appearance") is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something.

MINISTERS STEP UP AFTER UNREST IN INDIANAPOLIS....

Alarmed at a recent spate of gun violence, a group of black ministers today called for a “violence-free February” as a way to commemorate Black History Month.

“Let us stop using violence to settle conflicts,” said the Rev. Charles Harrison, chairman of the Ten-Point Coalition, a clergy group.
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“No violence, no street justice, no murders, no revenge killing,” Harrison said. “Let us build a community of peace.”

The preachers were joined by Mayor Greg Ballard and the city’s top police officers, Public Safety Director Frank Straub and Paul Ciesielski, chief of the Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department.

Ballard noted that crime in Indianapolis is down, but that it needs to be lower still. “There’s another level the city wants to get to,” he said.

Straub struck a darker note. “This is a time of shame and sorrow in our city,” he said, noting there were 13 homicides this month, including the shooting death last week of IMPD Officer David Moore.

The ministers urged churches to erect the message “No Guns, No Violence,” on their signboards to promote their campaign. But violence is not caused by guns, Straub said. “Violence is about the absence of respect.”

Harrison announced two upcoming meetings to address the matter, on Feb. 15 and Feb. 28. The first meeting would take place at the Indianapolis Urban League between the ministers, law enforcement officers, and business, civic and religious leaders.

The second meeting will be at the Indiana Historical Society, and parents will be invited to hear discussions about parental responsibility.